DBZ Jeopardy
by nedthejanitor
Summary: On public television, no one can hear you scream at stupid DBZ characters, cuz ain't no one watchin' anyway. Justin hosts an abridged version of Jeopardy based on Dragonball Z, and the characters in the show still manage to get questions wrong. Durrp.
1. Gero Trunks and King Kai

"Chop chop, people!" Justin yelled through the megaphone. "The show's gonna kick off here in…" He glanced at his watch, "about twelve minutes ago! Our sponsors are gonna be pissed."

"Just getting this last… letter…" Alex and three other men finally managed to hoist the Y onto the end of the giant word "JEOPARDY" spelled out behind the three contestants' stands. The word wasn't nearly as big as on the actual show, but damn it, this is a jerry-rigged operation and you take what you can get.

"Thanks a lot, Trebek. And hey, thanks again for helping us with our set."

Trebek wiped a dignified sweat from just above his eyebrow and shook Justin's hand. "For a friend of Hercule Satan, anything."

While Trebek left the set, Justin scrambled to double-check and make sure everything was in order. Before long, he was at his designated spot and waiting for his cue to begin the show. But just before he could…

"Hey! Have you covered my end of the deal yet?" Hercule yelled from his front row seat in the live studio audience. Justin sighed and nodded his head. "Yes, I've called 18 and made steps toward getting your debt taken care of. Now we have to start the show."

_THIS ISSSS JEOPARDY!_

A mangled-beyond-recognition version of the Jeopardy theme plays as the camera slowly zooms into the face of the host, who is awkwardly smiling and showing his complete lack of camera discipline. He began to speak in a jilted imitation of a game show host.

"Hello, and welcome to Jeopardy, Dragonball Z edition. Thank you for tuning in to the very first episode. I will now be introducing our three lovely first contestants."

Camera pans right to reveal the three… erm, lovely-ish contestants; Dr. Gero, Trunks and King Kai. Yes, this is our motley crew for episode one.

"So, yeah, it's Dr. Gero, Trunks Brief and North Kai, all competing with each other in a whirlwind quiz game where the only losers are the people not watching! Now, let me briefly explain the rules of the game-"

"Everyone knows how Jeopardy works, let's just start already! Jeez!" King Kai blurted from across the room. Justin's teeth were on edge; this early in the show and already shit like this was happening? It was going to be a long day.

"Okay, have it your way. Let's see the categories on the board."

The camera zooms into the category board to the left of the host.

**DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS**

**THE EARLY LIFE OF GOKU**

**SAIYAN BIOLOGY**

**HISTORICAL TRUE/FALSE**

**REVIVAL COUNTS**

**MUSIC QUES**

"Alright, then, we're ready to start the game. Dr. Gero, you may pick a category-"

"I'll take 'The Early Life of Goku' for $500, please."

"Ahh, starting this off with some confidence, I see. Well, I must warn you, the high dollar questions are massively difficult."

"It will be nothing I cannot handle. Hurry up with it."

**This is the first thing Goku ever said to Bulma when they met in episode 1.**

BZZ! Trunks buzzed in.

"Yes, Trunks?"

"Uh, may I go to the bathroom?"

Justin sighed. "That is incorrect, Trunks, and you should have phrased it as 'What is May I go to the bathroom?' Your score is now -$500. Anyone else want a guess?"

Long pause. The buzzer signifying the end of guessing goes off.

"Ooh, too bad. The answer was, what is 'So you thought you finished me off, huh?'"

Dr. Gero buzzed in for no immediately discernable reason.

"Sir, the guessing has already ended for that question. I even just gave the answer."

"Just how 'early' in Goku's early life is that category implying?"

"The entirety of 'Dragonball', doc. That means some of it is going to be outside of your research, unless you have a time machine in your lab that Trunks destroyed."

Trunks piped up. "That's right, asshole! I blew your lab up! PWNED!"

"Fuck you, Trunks. I'll take 'The Early Life of Goku' for $300."

**This is the precious item of Goku's that Colonel Silver of the Red Ribbon Army temporarily destroyed.**

BZZ! King Kai!

"What is Goku's right nipple?" Upon ending this sentence, the blue Kai exploded into big gales of stupid laughter as his money went down to -$300 and everyone in the audience groaned and rolled their eyes simultaneously, an event that has never occurred nor will ever occur again.

Or- well, that's not true, I'm pretty sure that was the universal reaction to the Fray's performance of the national anthem. Motherfucking ZING.

"No, King Kai, that's wrong. Anyone else?"

BZZ! Dr. Gero.

"Yes, Doctor."

"What is the flying nimbus?"

"Correct. You are in the lead with $300 and the board is still yours."

"I will take 'The Early Life of Goku' for-"

BZZ! "Pick something different, already! I'm bored!" whined Trunks.

"The board is mine, boy. I will choose what I want, regardless of your insolence."

"Don't you know anything about anything else? Come on!"

"You know, he has a point about that, Dr. Gero," King Kai butted in. "You pretty much only think about ways to kill off Goku. It's kind of weird and creepy after 20 years of trying, and you're getting this from a guy who pretty much does nothing BUT watch Goku and other people in the North Quadrant. You're like some freelance stalker or something."

Dr. Gero scowled. "That's utter foolishness. I have too much intellect for my goal of destroying Goku to take up all of my thoughts. My brain is much too big for such limitation."

"Okay, then I'll give you double the money if you pick a different category and answer correctly."

Dr. Gero remained quiet for a few seconds, then "I'll take 'Saiyan Biology' for $500."

Trunks rolled his eyes. "Oh, duh-"

**Goku achieved this special form in his fight with Lord Slug.**

BZZ! King Kai. "Hungry!" Cue snorting and chuckling.

Justin couldn't resist. "Jesus, King Kai, you KNEW the answer to that and you still squandered your chance to make money just so you could say something dumb."

"No, it's okay! We're playing by golf rules, I'm in the lead."

"Uh… we aren't. You're in dead last."

With that revelation, King Kai slowly backed away from the stand and left, silently weeping from humiliation.

"Well, he just gave up, I guess. If neither of you have the answer…"

Long, awkward pause, followed by end-of-round noise.

"…then we'll just move on to Final Jeopardy. Oh wait, since Trunks has negative money, he can't bet anything."

Dr. Gero looked puzzled. "So I won… just by answering one question."

"Well, yeah. Time constraints, after all, we only have like ten minutes." Justin turned to the camera. "SEE YOU NEXT TIME, VIEWERS!"

**THE END**

**ALSO, I DON'T OWN DRAGONBALL Z. THAT'S RIGHT, I PUT THE DISCLAIMER IN THE END INSTEAD OF THE BEGINNING. INNOVATIVE. THE SARGEANT PEPPER'S OF FANFICTION**


	2. Gero Nappa and Bulma

**Disclaimer: Braggin' Ball Z is sponsored by Axe body spray, and I'm not involved in the making of it in any way, shape or form.**

_THIS IS JEOPARDY!_

The camera gently pans into Justin's face. He is slightly sweaty.

"Hello, and welcome to the second episode. If you watched the first episode and decided to become a regular viewer, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts here on the set. But if you're just tuning in for the first time, well, you didn't miss anything important. Let's meet our contestants!"

Camera shoots right, where Dr. Gero is standing to the right of Nappa and Bulma. Justin was much more enthusiastic for this round than the last one; after all, Bulma and Gero were both geniuses, though he didn't expect anything out of Nappa.

"Now, why don't you introduce yourselves for viewers at home?"

Dr. Gero. "I'm the returning contestant. You'll be seeing more of me."

"Yeah, you'll be seeing more of him LOSING!" Bulma shot back to the camera.

"I'm just here to get enough money for a spaceship to get me to a planet that's actually advanced." Dissed Nappa.

"Well, there you have our contestants, folks. With that, let's look at today's categories."

**DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS**

**FRIEZA'S FINAL HOURS**

**HAIR **

**HISTORICAL TRUE/FALSE**

REVIVAL COUNTS

**MUSIC QUES**

"Dr. Gero, you now have the board."

"I'll take 'Hair' for $100."

**The two human Z Fighters that sport no hair at all until the Buu saga.**

BZZ! Nappa. "Uh, Shorty and Three Eyes!"

"No, Nappa, that's wrong-"

"Oh, I meant, 'Who are Shorty and Three Eyes?'"

"Still incorrect. You have to know them by name."

BZZ! Bulma. "Who are Tien and Krillin?"

"Correct. You now have $100 and the board."

"Well, I think I'll take 'Hair' again for $200."

**This character has changed their hairstyle sixteen times over the course of the series.**

BZZ! Doctor Gero buzzed in just before Bulma could! "Who is Bulma?"

"Correct, doc-"

"Oh, WHAT?" Bulma screamed. "H-h-how on Earth are you getting that information? Are you- are you stalking me?"

"Don't flatter yourself, woman. I keep extensive data on all of Goku's friends."

"So it's really pertinent that you know Bulma's hair insecurity?"

Bulma nodded. "Yeah, that's what I was- HEY, wait, I'm not insecure!"

"Look, we don't have time for this. Doc, pick a category."

"I will take 'Hair' yet again for $300."

Nappa screamed with anger. "I GOT IT! You're mocking me! Just because I don't have any hair, you want to keep rubbing it in my scalp constantly by picking that! Well, FUCK YOU, you jerk! I guess having a full head of hair can really… ***sniffle*** get in the way of empathy sometimes…"

"Nappa, you've helped Vegeta destroy entire planets. Let's move on and a-"

"NO! I will turn my back to the game board until I am given a wig and/or apology." So he turned his back.

"Okay, then I guess you'll just have to lose the game, dipshit. Here's the que- AAW CHRIST!"

Justin and many audience members shielded their eyes as Nappa's shiny head reflected the spotlights to create an intense blinding effect. The game was paused and viewers were presented with a "Techincal Difficulties" screen that played Herb Albert's "Spanish Flea" while backstage men worked desperately to find a wig somewhere.

"Boss, I think we've found something that could work!" A man walked up holding a wet mop.

"A goddamn MOP? That won't even- oh, whatever, just get it to him quickly."

The man with the mop put on three pairs of sunglasses and got the mop on Nappa's head, stopping the blinding light much to the relief of the audience and viewers at home.

"Now, finally, I can show you the question."

**The bald saiyan warrior Nappa does have hair, but on a certain part of his body besides his face.**

BZZ! Nappa! "What is, 'You don't even want to go there, honey?'"

"No, Nappa, you are now at -$400. Can either of you guess the question that _the person the question is about_ couldn't fucking answer?"

BZZ! Dr. Gero! "What is the tail?"

"Correct, doc. You are in the lead with $500 and control of the board."

"Very good. I will try 'Historical True/False' for $100."

**The military has staged two separate campaigns against this one villain.**

BZZ! Bulma! "Who is Cell?"

"Nicely done, Bulma. You are now at $200, 300 shy of catching up to the leader. Pick a category."

"Hold on. Can I just state how unfair it is that I, being a normal (albeit beautiful) human girl, have to compete with the buzzing speed of two super-powerful beings? There needs to be some way of leveling the playing field! And, for fuck's sake, why am I standing next to a man who smells like mildew?" She crooked a thumb up at Nappa's bitchen 'do.

"What are you going to do, take it to DBZ Court?" smirked Justin. "Look, you have more knowledge than either of these two about a lot of things, so that should balance out the speed problem. You'll just have to bear with the smell. Now, please pick a category before we run out of time and you have to compete in a probably-unwinnable Final Jeopardy against someone with over two times more money than you-"

DING DING DING!

"AGH, COCK SHIT FUCK! That buzzing sound means the end of the first round, the beginning of Final Jeopardy, and the possibility that we just lost a lot of family-oriented viewers because of my outburst. Okay, Nappa will not be participating because he hasn't got any money, so this is between Bulma and doc."

The board clears off except for one square just to the left of the host's head. "Your final category is going to be…"

**RED RIBBON ARMY RANKINGS**

"Ahh, shit! I may as well go home!" Bulma pouted, arms crossed.

"Are you sure that's what you want to do?"

The blue-haired woman stood awkwardly silent for a few tense seconds, then growled indignantly, uncrossed her arms and shook her head.

"Alright, then the contestants may place their bets on the touch-screen in front of them."

…

"Okay, I will now read you the question."

**Name two people in the Red Ribbon Army with the rank of Captain.**

"Please note that your answer does not have to begin with who or what is. You may now write your answer below where you placed your bet.

_Do do do doodoo do do dooo… and so on and so forth_

"Writing is over. Now let's see your answers. Dr. Gero…" Justin walked over to Gero's stand. "You bet…"

**$500**

"…and your answer…"

**Captain Yellow and Captain Violet**

"You have given an acceptable answer, which puts your score at $1000, and ensures your victory. However, for the sake of completion, let's check out Bulma's bet and answer."

Justin walked a few steps over. "Bulma, you bet…"

**$3.50**

"Well, I can already tell you didn't take this at all seriously. Let's have a look at your answer…"

**Who cares, Goku killed them anyway.**

Dr. Gero seethed to himself for the rest of that day.

**THE END**


	3. Gero Recoome and Videl

**Disclaimer: Druggin' Ball Z is sponsored by the Rohypnol Counsel. With just one pill, you get a thrill! (oh god i am a terrible person for writing that and i am so ashamed please forgive me)**

_THIS ISSS JEOPARDY!_

"Hello, and welcome back to the third installment of Geo-Party, which is how I used to pronounce 'Jeopardy' back when I was five. Now, why don't we forgo the formalities and get on to the introductions? I am Justin, and our contestants are…"

"Dr. Gero, inventor of the Androids and returning contestant. You'll be seeing me around."

"Recoome!" The man with red hair proceeded to do a ridiculous pose that was mostly obscured by the podium in front of him. "And when it's time for trivia, prepare for doom!"

"Hey! I'm Videl, crime-fighter and daughter of Hercule!"

Clapping ensued for about thirty seconds before a terse clearing of Justin's throat brought the room to silence. Mainly because it sounded like he was choking and they were all curious.

"Okay, thank you, now it's time to look at the categories for today's game. I'm… honestly not sure why we have so many choices, considering the fact that these games can only run for about three or four questions at the most, but the more the merrier I guess. Without further ado…"

**DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS**

**FRIEZA'S FINAL HOURS**

**LEVELS OF SUPER SAIYAN**

**TECH TALK**

**REVIVAL COUNTS**

**MUSIC QUES**

"These are the cards that we have been dealt. Savvy viewers may have noticed by now that categories that weren't used last round are re-used this round. This is because our budget consists of three toothpicks and a hay penny so we can't afford enough brainstorming sessions. Once again, since Dr. Gero won the last round, he gets to pick the first category."

Dr. Gero smiled underneath his poofy mustache. "Well, it seems as if you are _trying _to hand the game to me with a category like 'Tech Talk…'"

"So is that what you're picking?"

"No, imbecile, I just felt like making conversation. I'll take 'Tech Talk' for $400."

**These were inside of Future Trunks' capsule when he first met the Z Fighters of the past.**

BZZ! "Yes, Recoome?"

"Soap operas?"

"No, Recoome, and you have to phrase it in the form of a question. Also, soap operas aren't even a tangible object. You… you should probably just not even try to answer any more questions, and enjoy your -$400. Who else wants a guess? Anyone?"

…*time out noise*

"Okay, the correct answer was 'What are soft drinks.'" Doc, you still have the board."

"Alright, very well. I'll take 'Tech Talk' again, this time for $500."

Justin grimaced. "Dude, it didn't work out with the easier question, what the fuck makes you think it'll work now?"

"What are you talking about? It worked fine for me. I am $400 ahead of Recoome. Now on with the question."

"…Interesting perspective on things you have there, doc."

**This Saiyan warrior was the previous owner of the scouter Bulma repaired.**

BZZ! "Ugh… Recoome?"

"Who is soft drinks?"

"…No. Now you have -$900 to spend on your sweetie."

BZZ! Dr. Gero! "Who is Raditz?"

"Correct. It looks like, yet again, Dr. Gero is in the lead, and yet again, I must feign delight at this turn of events. Doctor, you may now pick a category."

"'Tech Talk' for $300."

BZZ! Videl started complaining! "Isn't there some kind of rule so Dr. Gero can't pick the same stupid category over and over again? I mean, if one round of this game only lasts four or five questions, isn't it not fair that Dr. Gero can get us stuck on 'Tech Talk' for an entire round?"

"Yeah, people picking the same category over and over in Jeopardy, that never happens," Justin deadpanned as he absent-mindedly fanned himself with his prop scorecards.

"I'm serious!"

"Look, Videl's being a sore loser," Dr. Gero sneered under his beard (rhyme, because I'm a sensitive poet), "perhaps her husband is experiencing early onset erectile dysfunction."

Videl gaped in disbelief at the doctor's mad takedown, before issuing her comeback. "Hey, why don't you ask him? I'm sure once he's done Super Saiyan-pounding you like he does me every damn night, you'll have just as much to bitch about!"

A silence so awkward it was borne of Urkel and that kid in the back of your math class that always eats his erasers fills the room like the deadliest of mustard gases. All eyes are fixed on Videl's expression as it shifts from indignant rage toward Gero to thorough shame and embarrassment. "I… can't believe I just…"

"You know, don't even worry about it. Let's just pretend that didn't happen."

Recoome butted in. "Uh, I don't wanna do that."

"No one fucking cares. Let's just get the question up for shit's sake."

**Future Bulma wrote this on an item her son kept in a capsule.**

BZZ! "Oh, Recoome again, this won't be stupid at all," blurted Dr. Gero.

"What is 'hope?'"

Everyone in the room did a spit take at the same time, ensuring that the cleaning crew would have their work cut out for them after the show.

"God damn, Recoome, how could you even have known that?"

"Known what? I was just pondering on the very essence of what hope represents in the patchwork of human tribulations. I wonder, myself, whether it is the desperate belief that a unifying purpose exists that brings light to everything that living beings do to sustain themselves, or in fact a great, towering force that-"

***BEEP BEEP!***

"And that sound means it's time for Final Jeopardy, but first, I will let Recoome finish his monologue."

"Uhh… what monologue?"

"The one about hope? The one you were right in the middle of?"

"…Where am I?"

"Final Jeopardy it is, then, since Recoome got the last question right, even though he did so completely unintentionally through some freak accident of the brain. Videl, on the other hand, has to go. Buh bye, Videl, you made a great effort, if none at all."

"Whatever."

"The category for Final Jeopardy is going to be…"

**PLANETS BEYOND EARTH**

"Shit," The doctor replied simply while Recoome picked his nose. "STOP PICKING MY NOSE! Fucking freak!"

"Six inch rule, Recoome, we've been over this. The contestants may now place their bets."

_Do do do…_

"Betting has ended. Now it's time for the question."

**Goku learned his Instant Transmission technique from this race of aliens with strange taste in fashion.**

BZZ! Recoome! "Who is Goku?"

"Goddamnit, what the fu- his buzzer shouldn't even be working right now! Where's the tech guy?"

"I made him quit by demonstrating my superior technological prowess," grinned Dr. Gero.

"Okay, fine, _you _can cut Recoome's buzzer, dipshit."

"I don't want to."

"Why in the fuck not?"

"It amuses me."

Justin closed his eyes and rubbed his temples with both hands while Recoome continued to dick with his buzzer and laugh like an idiot. Basically, what he's doing at any given moment, only replace buzzer with "dick." That's right; he dicks with his dick.

"Let's just get this over with. Write down your answers… now."

_Do do do…_

Justin gently edged close to the three podiums, arriving first at Recoome.

"Okay, Recoome, let's have us a look at what you wagered."

**FIVE PUDINGS**

"…Let's just say you went all in. And your answer?"

**A long time ago, there was a long and arduous battle on a planet called Namek. The Super Saiyan, Goku, and Lord Frieza engaged in combat that shook the foundations of the planet itself. As the long threads of plot winded together, it became clear that the struggle would end in Goku's favor. But, even having destroyed Frieza, he only barely made it away from the explosion on a Ginyu space pod, and woke up, badly weakened, on 'What is the Planet…**

"…So, that's it? The text you wrote, this big paragraph, cuts off RIGHT BEFORE you answer the question? You didn't fucking have enough time?"

"Where my puddins?"

"Fuck you."

Justin walked past Recoome and over to Dr. Gero.

"Well, doc, it's up to you. Recoome is down to zero, so unless you get everything and guessed the wrong answer, it looks like we'll be seeing you on our show for a fourth time."

Dr. Gero huffed. "Perhaps if your challengers would display a shred of competence, I wouldn't have to continue humiliating them."

"I guess I can't argue that. Let's see what you bet."

**$500**

"Alright, yet another bid of confidence. You put as your answer…"

**What is Planet Yardrat?**

"Sum bitch…"

"Hey, I want my puddins NAO!"

Justin seethed. "RECOOME, you fucking LOST! You couldn't have possibly won, too, because even if you'd gotten the question right like you should have and gotten up to $600, doc here would still win with his thousand! You lose! You get nothing! Good day, sir!"

And with that, Justin threw his cards down and stormed off in a huff without bothering to give a sign off at the camera. Recoome turned to the good doctor. "So, what do you plan on doing with all of the money you've collected anyway?"

"I don't know, nor do I care. I already have all the money I need; I just happen to enjoy trivia. What of you?"

"Well, I would have bought a luxury condo in Sweden…"

**THE END**


	4. Gero Krillin and King Cold

**Disclaimer: Dragonfall Z is the world's most boring bungee-jump program, and is not brought to you by nedthejanitor. **

_THIS IS JEOPARDY!_

"Hello, welcome to DBZ Jeopardy, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Disregard everything after the word 'Jeopardy' in the previous sentence while I introduce you to our contestants. First, our returning champion, Dr. Gero."

"Hello, pathetic humans," Dr. Gero boasted.

"Next we have a pathetic human named Krillin."

Krillin grinned and did a peace sign at the camera. "Hey, everyone! I'm here to chew gum and get money, cuz I'm all out of both."

"Well, that was… sort of grammatically flawed. Finally, we have King Cold, father of Frieza and appearer in about four episodes."

"Well, excuuuse me for being a minor character," drawled King Cold after a sip of red wine.

"You are not excused. It's time for the game to start, so let's have a look at the board."

**DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS**

**FRIEZA'S FINAL HOURS**

**LEVELS OF SUPER SAIYAN**

**FACES OF BUU**

**REVIVAL COUNTS**

**MUSIC QUES**

"Let's get this show on the road. Dr. Gero, you can pick the first category."

"I'll take… hrm… feh, I'll take 'Levels of Super Saiyan' for $100."

"I see the good doctor has finally been thoroughly stumped? Very good, let's see the question."

**This is the cause of the Super Saiyan transformation, according to Goku.**

BZZ! "Yes, King Cold?"

"Why, that would be roid rage, Mr. Not-Trebek," King Cold somehow managed to answer in the middle of a sip of wine. Hey, he's the alien, not me.

"I'm sorry, that is incorrect and you must phrase it in the form of a question. No one fucking seems to get that on this show. Anyone else?"

BZZ! "Krillin."

"What is 'need?'"

"That's correct. Krillin takes the board."

"Oh, cool! I think I'll try my luck with 'Revival Counts.'"

"…For?"

"Oh, for $100."

**Piccolo has died this many times over the course of the entire series.**

BZZ! "Krillin."

"What is 'three times?'"

"I'm sorry, that is incorrect."

"WHAT? Hey, that's correct, I know for a fact he's died three-"

"Three times only if you count GT, Krillin, and we don't count that series around here. You should be ashamed for even accusing me of doing so. I should take you to -$1000."

"Yeah, well… I should… I should take _you _to -$1000! You jerk!"

"Excellent rebuttal, my good man. Anyone else want to answer the question?"

BZZ! "Dr. Gero!"

"What is 'twice?'"

"That is cor- OH, SHIT! I pretty much gave up the answer a while ago, didn't I?"

Gero grinned like the Cheshire cat. "Yes."

"Well, this doesn't count, then! Your score should now reset to $0."

Tick… tock…

"Why isn't it resetting? The fuck?"

"Have you not read your own rules, boy? You did nothing to indicate the actual answer, you just gave a huge hint before realizing it. I could just as easily have answered 'one.'"

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"

Krillin flinched, since his hearing is sharper to make up for his complete lack of smell sense. "There's no need to get so mad, man! Chill!"

"…What? I just have that Soundgarden song 'Big Dumb Sex' stuck in my head, is all. Let's move on. Dr. Gero, since you…*sigh* answered the last question correctly, the board is yours."

"I will have Revival Counts for $200."

**This particular character cannot be revived, because they do not have a soul.**

BZZ! King Cold! "The answer is Recoome," he stated as he picked up his wine class with his teeth to drink out of it once more.

"First of all, that is incorrect. Second, I've already told you once that-"

"I'm not doing that ridiculous 'answer in the form of a question' gimmick. I'm not the fucking Riddler."

"That doesn't- ugh, whatever. Why would you guess Recoome, anyway?"

"Because he's a ginger."

Justin proceeds to roll his eyes just _barely _before the point of them falling completely out. "Someone else guess, please."

BZZ! "Go for it, doc."

"Who is 'Android 16'?"

"That's correct, and I'm sure you can even give us the correct reason for this."

"Because he's a ginger."

"No, seriously."

"No, _you _seriously. King Cold was correct in his prior assessment. Don't waste your time trying to debate against a man clearly above your intelligence level."

"You piss me off, doc. Get to choosin' off the board already."

"Revival Counts for $300."

**He is the only character to have died three times over the course of the first two series.**

BZZ! King Cold! "Go for it, but I'm warning you, you won't get it right if you don't do the show's gimmick."

"I just wanted to ask why you specified it for the first two series with this question, but not with the question Baldy tried to answer a minute ago."

"I'm not even bald anymore, come on!"

"…Would you prefer shorty?"

Justin sighed, reacting as if the answer to the question was painfully obvious. "Because, dude, we're pretty much just making this shit up as we go along. Let's move on to someone who can actually answer this question."

Krillin's buzzer rings out sharply right after the period at the end of Justin's sentence. "What is 'me'?"

"That is a very philosophical question and also correct, but I have no time to turn control of the board over to you because now it is time for Final Jeopardy! Currently, Krillin and Dr. Gero are tied for $300, and King Cold is unable to play because he has -$600. Say goodbye to King Wine, everyone! Hey, that's a double entendre!"

King Cold left in a grump.

"Okay, now the Final Jeopardy category is going to be…"

**ENERGY BEAMS**

"You may begin betting."

…

"Betting's over, question time."

**Name this energy attack based upon the following soundclip.**

A high-pitched scream nearly muffled by the sounds of powering up and earth shaking followed, continuing for about 10 seconds before fading out.

"Okay, now you may begin writing out your answers. Good luck."

…

"Answer time is over. Starting with Krillin, it is now time to look at what you have written down."

Justin walked slowly over Krillin's podium, behind which the man was obviously nervous, and precariously balanced on a pile of old books. "Right then, let's have a look at what you wagered."

**$100**

"Ahh, so we aren't feeling very confident?"

Krillin shook his head. "I knew I was screwed as soon as I heard the sound clip. Man, that could have been anyone!"

"Well, let's hope your shot in the dark hit the mark, eh," Justin cheerfully rhymed while Krillin's answer showed up.

**Who is Gohan…?**

"You even put a question mark at the end of the ellipses, how nice. Unfortunately, your guess is also incorrect. Your score has been brought to $200, but have no fear! There's a significant change you can still win this match!"

Krillin's face brightened. "Well, that's good! Maybe then Android 18 won't spousal-abuse me for 12 straight hours when I come home tonight!"

Justin chuckled. "Good for you, then," and he walked a few steps to Dr. Gero. "Alright, everyone knows you're going to win somehow at this point, so let's see what you wagered…"

**$300**

"Uh oh, I guess this means you know the answer?"

"Why don't you check and find out instead of standing around pretending you don't know who's going to win this, because it's exactly like you just said; everyone knows I'm-"

**Who is Vegeta?**

"Don't interrupt me by calling out my answer, you fool!"

"Doesn't matter anymore, you won. Now, how the hell did you even know the answer anyway? That was easily the most obscure question we've ever asked on this show."

"I recognized the soundclip from the battle between Vegeta and Goku. I've watched Goku's many recorded battles over and over, constantly… laying aside all of my other plans for technological events for that one crucial hope in my life… to see that one man dead. It's taken so many long years from me…"

"WHATEVER, GRAMPS."

**THE END**


	5. Gero Oolong and Dabura

**Disclaimer: Drag and Fall Z is brought to you by the Limp Council. Justin, and any other forgettable asshole that might end up appearing in this chapter, is brought to you by nedthejanitor.**

**Thanks for the reviews so far! If you have any ideas on who should appear on the show next, send off a PM and we'll see what happens.**

_THIS ISSSS JEOPARDY!_

"It's episode five and I'm feeling really good about this one," Justin began extra cheerfully, "so let's just hop right in! First, to meet the contestants!"

Justin swept his hand dramatically, pointing it toward the three contestants behind their podiums. "First, we have our returning champion, Dr. Gero!"

"At your service- provided you want me to service you with death by androids," snarled the genius geezer.

"Second, we have a former co-worker of mine; Oolong!"

"Oh, yeah, baby! I love wet t-shirt contests," shouted Oolong, much to the embarrassment of his dead parents.

"Oolong, this isn't even… you know what, you'll probably do better at the game if you think it's a wet t-shirt contest. Third," Justin started again with significantly less enthusiasm, "we have Dabura, another of our many contestants who earned a temporary release from the bowels of… heaven, so that he might inevitably humiliate himself and lose to Dr. Gero!"

"It's wonderful to be here and see you all," Dabura said shyly after a brief sniff of his perpetually present bouquet of flowers.

"Fantastic. It's time to look at the board. And our categories are…"

**DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS**

**FRIEZA'S FINAL HOURS**

**ROOM OF SPIRIT AND TIME**

**FACES OF BUU**

**THE DRIVING EPISODE**

**MUSIC QUES**

BZZ! Before Justin could even begin the round, someone buzzed in! "Oh for Christ's fucking- could someone _please _disable the fucking buzzers until the round actually begins? What is it, Oolong?"

"Why is there an entire category dedicated to the 'driving episode', whatever that is?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked. Actually, no I'm not, but it could have been a way worse question. You see, quite simply, the 'driving episode' is the best episode of Dragonball Z that's ever been made, pure and simple. It features Goku and Piccolo attempting- and failing in hilarious fashion- to obtain driver's licenses for Chi-Chi so that she can be driven to the grocery store and back, as well as other places presumably, without fear of being run over by another idiot or chased by a giant dinosaur, which inexplicably exists in the post-stone age earth of Dragonball Z. Then again, I'm explaining this shit to a talking animal right now, so it's not like reality hasn't already been shattered in every conceivable manner. Now, let's move on, shall we? Doc, since-"

BZZ!

"GOD DAMN IT, OOLONG, WHAT?"

"So, animals don't ever talk where you're from?"

"No, they don't."

"Then how do they tell you when they need to go outside to shit? What, do they just shit inside the house…?"

Justin smacked himself in the forehead only half as hard as he wanted to slap Oolong, an act that nearly gave him a concussion. "Oolong, they learn other ways to alert you on their need to shit."

"They do? So, do they write it down?"

"Oh, my fucking God, Oolong, no. Dogs and other animals don't even fucking have thumbs, dude. You know Mr. Briefs' cat?"

"Yeah, the mentally retarded one. Why?"

"Pretty much every cat and dog in my universe is limited in the same ways."

Oolong was struck speechless for two precious seconds. "Really?"

"Yes. Oh, hey, look at the clock! We have spent well over half of the episode already just bickering and discussing miscellaneous bullshit unrelated to the show. We don't get this time so we can fuck off, you know. Now, please, Oolong, let Dr. Gero pick a goddamn category before I strangle myself with your intestines."

Dr. Gero joined in on the obstructing fun. "Perhaps you should consider hiring some help like you had during your tenure as a judge…?"

"No, I don't think that's necessary. This show isn't about disputes; it's about simple trivia."

"Then why is there so much disputing going on right now? Why can't everyone just be friendly to each other?" Dabura asked, mustering up all of the anger in his voice to do so. It didn't make him sound any different, but it's the thought that counts, right?

"Because I don't think the people at this panel know how to be friendly to each other. I mean, we have here a villain in Dr. Gero, a 'hero' or at least a member of the heroes' team in Oolong, and we have a reformed villain in you. This set of contestants can't possibly get along for longer than a brief period of time, such as the time it takes to get through this show WHICH WE HAVE ALREADY USED MOST OF SINCE YOU OBNOXIOUS MOTHERFUCKERS KEEP ASKING ME QUESTIONS! DR. GERO, PICK A FUCKING CATEGORY! We have enough time for one question, so whoever gets this one wins, okay?"

"I'll take… erm… hmm…" Dr. Gero put his hand furtively upon his beard-hidden chin and stared down the category board, as if hoping that the category he wanted would magically appear.

"DO SOMETHING! FUCK!"

"I request that, in the future, you prepare less vague categories. I mean, really, Music Ques? Are you even trying? No one has picked that and no one ever will."

"THIS IS NOT COURT, DOC!" Justin screamed.

"…I've decided. I will pick-"

DING!

The sound signaling the end of the first round was greeted with relentlessly oppressive silence. If one were to stand too close to the host at this time, they would likely be vivisected and disemboweled through the asshole by the sheer tormenting rage hardening inside of his veins like so much stale cholesterol. Certain people in the audience, which is entirely comprised of Dragonball Z characters, almost worried that he would somehow turn into a Super Saiyan.

Many were startled when Justin finally inhaled sharply out of necessity and left without saying a word. In his wake, he left a confused and disturbed crowd behind.

"Man… Doctor, are you sure this is a good idea?" Oolong asked timidly.

Dr. Gero stroked his beard. "He does seem somewhat angrier than I expected…"

A little more than one tense minute passed before a pale man in a nice gray suit walked out into the middle of the room. "*ahem* I am Justin's lawyer. He has asked me to inform you of… something, I'm not sure I could understand it through the screaming-"

A scream from the back of the building caused the lawyer to jump. "I QUIIIIIIIIIT!"


	6. Gero Oolong and Dabura Attempt II

**Disclaimer: Dra-Golf Ball Z is brought to you by Happy Gilmore, in an alternate universe where he is a gigantic nerd and still not nedthejanitor. **

_THIS ISSSSS JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome," Justin said solemnly as he looked into the camera, "and let me get to the point. I want to apologize for the debacle that was the previous episode. Do not expect any more of these games to turn out like that. Today, we have the same line-up as yesterday, but for those of you who are new or missed the last episode, as if there was anything to miss, let me introduce the contestants. First, we have our returning champion, Dr. Gero."

"Present."

"We have Oolong, who has been sufficiently admonished for his behavior in the previous 'game.'"

"They yelled at me…" Oolong whined. "This is the worst wet T-shirt contest ever."

"You are the worst _thing _ever. Finally, we have Dabura, somewhat fresh out of heaven and ready to do some trivia."

"Well, I-"

"Let's see the board."

**DRAGON BALL LOCATIONS**

**FRIEZA'S FINAL HOURS**

**ROOM OF SPIRIT AND TIME**

**FACES OF BUU**

**THE DRIVING EPISODE**

**MUSIC QUES**

"Dr. Gero, you have the board."

"I will take 'The Driving Episode' for $100."

**Of the two driving instructors, the old man and the woman, this one was the most raucous.**

BZZ! Oolong! "Who is 'the woman?'"

Justin tried to obscure the fact that he was seriously taken aback, followed by the joy he got from the look on Dr. Gero's face. "That… that is correct, Oolong. You have control of the board."

"Awesome! You don't mess with a pig at a wet T-shirt contest! I'll take 'Dragon Ball Locations' for $100."

**Goku's hand was crushed by this animal while retrieving a Dragonball during the Cell saga.**

BZZ! Oolong! "What is 'an elephant?'"

"You're right again! This brings you to $200 to Dr. Gero and Dabura's collective score of zero."

"I want Dragon Ball Locations again, for two hundred!"

**Vegeta hid his Dragonball in this place on Namek before Gohan took it and caused him to flip his shit.**

BZZ! "Where is 'underwater?'"

"A very ignorant-sounding question, but also quite correct! You impress me, Oolong!"

"Well, I am a beast when it comes to wet t-shirts…" Oolong said with the smuggest face he could muster, looking like the SA forums smug emoticon. "I'll take the same category yet again for $300."

**Where were the seven Namekian dragonballs located together before Vegeta stole them?**

BZZ! Dabura narrowly managed to gingerly tap his buzzer before Oolong could. Much to Justin's frustration, he didn't speak.

"Dabura…? Are you going to fucking say something…?" Justin started to do the "hurry up" motion with his left hand. "Out with it, Demon King!"

"That's not me anymore!" Dabura said quickly on the heels of Justin's last word. "I… just wanted to remind everyone that I was here."

"That's… one of the saddest fucking things I've ever heard another living being say. Oh, haha, shit, you aren't actually 'living.' Sorry about that."

Dabura bowed his head with embarrassment.

"Anyone else going to press the buzzer for no other reason than to piss me off?"

Oolong snapped to attention and rang the buzzer like there was no fucking tomorrow. "Where is 'Frieza's spaceship?'"

"Correct! $700 to Dr. Gero's $0 and Dabura's -$300. You may pick yet another category."

"Curse that pig…" Dr. Gero said under his breath. "How am I going to catch up to him…?"

"I want 'The Driving Episode' for $200! Just to change things up. There's nothing worse than a boring wet t-shirt contest."

"Wait!" Dr. Gero snapped seemingly completely out of nowhere, causing Justin to face-fault and then become angry.

"Hold on, motherfucker, you aren't going to start up another distraction-"

"Enough of your nonsense. Fool!" Gero said sharply. "This pig has been under the impression this entire time that this is some kind of boob-laden wet T-shirt contest!"

"It… it isn't?" A hint of rage began to infest Oolong's voice. "Then what the hell is it?"

"It's… a quiz show… you fucking stupid pig," Dr. Gero slowly explained to make absolute sure the pig, resolute in his ignorance, understood perfectly.

The rage in Oolong's voice was replaced with fear. "Oh, man, I'm terrible at those! I know I'm going to lose!"

"You have $700 right now, man. You're well in the lead. Relax. How the fuck could you possibly have been doing so well when you were under the impression that the show was something completely different? The knowledge has been in you the whole time!"

"I… I just don't know. With no titties to think about or stare out… I can't focus…"

"Yes you can! We all believe in you!"

"I don't," Dr. Gero interrupted.

"But I do!" Dabura added. "You can have all of the money I've made!"

"You don't have any money, Dabura, don't be a goddamn idiot. Now, Oolong, you picked 'The Driving Episode' for $200 before you learned the truth. Do you want to stick with that or do you want to pick another one?"

Oolong sighed and rubbed his now-aching forehead. "That category will be fine. It doesn't even really matter anyway."

"Well, okay, Mr. Pessimism Pants."

**This character came to his driving lessons wearing a baseball cap.**

BZZ! Dr. Gero! "That would obviously be Piccolo."

"Correct," oozed the disappointed voice of our heroic host. "You've gained control of the-"

_DING!_

"And that sound means it's time for Final Jeopardy! Dabura, since you are the only one here with no money, you have to leave."

Dabura's eyes welled with tears. "I'll miss you all…" The former demon king faded away, having been taken back to his love-shack (not the nasty kind) in heaven.

"First, as is tradition, we have to begin the betting. We will start by looking at the category…"

**WHY GT SUCKS**

"Hrm…" Dr. Gero once again began to stroke his enormous beard while Oolong sweated and did a comical gulp.

"You have one minute to place your bets."

…

"The betting phase is over. And the question is…"

**This character's name had to be changed for American audience, and they fucked it up in the worst way possible by changing it to this non sequitur of a name. **

"Begin writing your answers. You have one minute."

…

Justin sighed and stretched in an exaggerated way. "Okay… let's inspect the damage, shall we? Oolong, your wager was..."

**$350**

"_Jesus fucking Christ, you idiot, all you had to do was bet less than $300 and you would have won no matter what," _thought Justin to himself. He kept it as well hidden as he could, which meant he had a fuck-off huge grimace of pain on his face for the next couple of sentences. "I see you weren't completely sure. And your answer…"

**I'm so sorry… I don't know.**

"NOT FORGIVEN." Justin screamed right into the pig's face. "YOU HAVE DRAGGED ME THROUGH TWO DAYS OF HELL FOR NOTHING. I WISH UPON YOUR LIFE NOTHING EXCEPT SPIDERS AND A LAKE OF SHIT. Dr. Gero, let's see your wager and answer."

**$200**

**Who is Bulla?**

Justin threw his cards up in the air. "I quit again. Good night everyone."

THE END


	7. Gero Android 18 and Raditz

**Disclaimer: Dragonball Zoo is brought to you by animal planet.**

_THIS ISSS JEOPARDY!_

"Hello. In case you weren't aware, this is, in fact, Jeopardy," Justin began with very little enthusiasm, "and today we're going to have a very exciting game, if my tone of voice weren't enough of an indicator. Let's now get around to introducing our contestants."

The camera pans over to today's misfit crew. "First up, we have our returning champion for a seventh episode, and technically a sixth game, Dr. Gero."

"You seem rather out of it today, J," Gero noted, "is it perhaps because there are no vaguely homosexual men like Dabura around today for you to fantasize about?"

"Gay jokes. You've reached a real plateau, doc, not everyone can have the shit-talking skills of a 7th grader. Very charming. Our second contestant-"

"-is hot."

Justin glared. "Our second contestant-"

"-is a creation of mine-"

"Damn it, doc, knock it off! Our second contestant is actually a former co-worker of mine. Android 18."

The blonde android twirled her hair and occasionally flicked her eyes toward her creator with derision. "Thrilled."

"So are we. And our third contestant is… who the hell are you?"

"Raditz! I am Raditz! The main character's brother!"

"…Goku has a brother? Oh, yeah, guess he does."

"I was the first villain on the show!"

"We don't have time for this discussion, Radish. Let's-"

"RADITZ! NOT RADISH!"

"Fine. Let's look at the categories for today's big game."

**MOST FORGETTABLE DBZ CHARACTERS**

**FRIEZA'S FINAL HOURS**

**ROOM OF SPIRIT AND TIME**

**FACES OF BUU**

**NAMEKIAN BIOLOGY**

**MUSIC QUES**

"Dr. Gero, since you are apparently the almighty king of Jeopardy, you are allowed first pick at a category."

"Why don't you pick a category for me? I'd like to see you try."

"Uh. Okay, fine. I'll give you Music Ques for $500. Keep in mind, this sound clip as well as the other four are from the Bruce Faulconer soundtrack. And they will not be repeated."

**Name one event during the series that this song was played over.**

For about 15 seconds, the one song that plays when Cell blows a hole through Piccolo's stomach plays over the loudspeaker. Immediately after it ends, Android 18 buzzes in.

"It sounds like a cat stepping on an old Moog synthesizer," 18 snarked.

"Uh, not only is that the wrong answer, but it wasn't even an attempt to get a right answer. Also, you didn't phrase it in the form of a question. I think I'm going to make a new rule, starting tomorrow, where you lose an extra $100 if you don't phrase the answer as a question. Who else wants a stab at the answer?"

BZZ! Android 18 again! "What is-"

"You know, 18, I would expect stupidity like this out of Redditz, but not you. You can't attempt to answer the same question twice."

"Who the hell is Redditz? My name is RADITZ!"

"Thanks for telling me, because I actually forgot again. Anyway, what do you have to say for yourself, 18?"

"I wasn't even going to try and answer the question, I was just going to keep making fun of the song clip you just played."

"Whatever. Anyone besides 18?"

BZZ! Raditz! "What is 'how the fuck is any one of us supposed to get this right if we've never even heard the music before?'"

"…I'm sorry, that too is incorrect. Now you and Android 18 have -$500 just because of your shared insistence on being smart asses. Dr. Gero, do you know the answer?"

"No."

"Then let's move on. Doc, I hope this has taught you a decent lesson about allowing me to pick out a category for you."

"Indeed, it has. I want 'Most Forgettable DBZ Characters' for $100."

**Name this character. *shows a picture of Raditz***

All three characters buzzed in seemingly at the exact same time.

"Okay, shit. I have no idea who buzzed in. Do any of you?"

"Me," said Dr. Gero.

"Me," parroted 18.

"Me," insisted Raditz.

Justin slapped his forehead once again. "Okay… looks like I'm going to have to do something drastic." He turned to the audience. Does anyone around here have a die I can use?"

Vegeta stood up. "If it's die you want, then it's die you'll get!"

"No, Vegeta, that's not what I-!"

Vegeta very lightly flicked a roll of die toward the host. "If that's not what you want. I can always _make you_ die as an alternative." He then chuckled lightly at his own joke and sat back down.

"Thanks… I guess," Justin said nervously, still not entirely sure Vegeta wasn't going to randomly wipe him off of the face of the planet. One should not have their guard down around a Vegeta in the wild. Especially during mating season.

"Okay, I'm going to roll this die, and here's how I'll format it; one or two, Dr. Gero gets it. Three or four, 18 gets to answer. Five or six, erm… uh…"

"RADIIIITZ!" He shrieked like a parrot.

"Right, my apologies. Five or six, RADIIIITZ gets to try and answer. Okay, ready?"

Justin rolled the die across the floor, and just after it stopped, Dr. Gero disintegrated it with his laser eyes. The host looked in horror at the smoking hole in the ground where the die landed, and before he could start to scream at the old doctor, Vegeta appeared right behind Dr. Gero and grabbed both of the old android's arms, holding them behind his back in a painful position.

"Now why would you do a thing like that, you old rustbucket?" Vegeta whispered through his teeth to the doctor. "You and I are going to have a serious discussion about this later…"

Justin swallowed his desire to see Vegeta beat the shit out of Dr. Gero because it was overpowered by his desire to keep his job, something that would be made impossible if one of the contestants got killed on live TV. "I tell you what, Vegeta, we here at DBZ Jeopardy will refund you for the one die and allow you to pick who you think should be allowed to answer this question, which will be the last one before Final Jeopardy."

"Fine. I pick Raditz, because even though he's a pathetic excuse for a saiyan, at least he isn't a piece of shit robot," Vegeta turned back to Dr. Gero, "and I'll still be seeing you later."

Raditz opened his mouth to answer the question just after Vegeta made it back to his seat, the speedy little bastard. "Who is 'Raditz?'"

"That's a question I've been asking myself all day, mystery man. You are now at -$400, and with Android 18 at -$500, it looks like Dr. Gero wins by default for, I think, the second time in this show's history. Needless to say, you should both be immensely proud of yourselves; it's a real accomplishment to get every answer wrong. I mean, that takes a real consistent stupidity."

Justin walked from the room, throwing over his shoulder, "I quit again."

**THE END**


	8. Gero Jeice and Captain Ginyu

**Disclaimer: Drakkenball Z, starring Dr. Drakken as Frieza and Shego as Zarbon, is not owned by me but by my imagination.**

_THIS ISSSS JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I am your host, Hung Largely," Justin smirked, "and today we're looking at ourselves yet another passel of geniuses of whom only one will make it to the next round. First, we have our returning contestant-"

"Hung Largerly," Dr. Gero interrupted. "And discerning viewers may note that something has changed about me." He pointed with his right hand to the empty socket where his left arm used to be. "This injury was courtesy of Vegeta, and it's going to take me about three days to repair it. I will be taking him to court soon."

"An interesting story," Justin said in his best imitation of Perfect Cell. "And to Dr. Gero's right, we have Jeice joining us from-"

"YEEEEAH!" Jeice did a hair-metal scream and struck a pose for the camera as soon as he saw it focus on him. "I'm Jeice of the Ginyu Force, and stop askin' me what Australia's like because I don't have a fucking clue and I don't understand why people keep askin' me that! I've come to represent the Ginyu Force in this game and make a lot of money for charity!"

"What charity?"

The third contestant to Jeice's right answered for him. "'End Starvation on Tlahn Achtung,' a charity that is not only a benefit to starving families on said planet, but also one fucking hell of a tax write-off."

"Ah, yes, which brings us to our eighth contestant; the frog currently known as Captain Ginyu. Bulma was gracious enough to allow us to sleep on her front porch without her knowing until she left, then steal her voice-changer device while she was out. Ain't that swell, you adorable little froggy bastard?"

"Start the game, I'm eager to rub my face chemicals all over this button!"

"Your wish is my command. Today's categories are…"

**WHERE ARE THEY NOW?**

**FRIEZA'S FINAL HOURS**

**ROOM OF SPIRIT AND TIME**

**FACES OF BUU**

**NAMEKIAN BIOLOGY**

POTENT POTABLES

"Dr. Gero, since you are King Armless of Amputee Mountain, you may pick the first category."

"I'll take 'Eat An AIDS Boner, Shithead' for $500, Justin."

"What's that? Did you say 'Room of Spirit and Time for $500?'"

"Yes! I mean- no, wait! Shit!"

**This was the first character to enter the room of spirit and time.**

BZZ! "Yes! Ginyu!"

"Who is Goku?"

Justin nodded sagely. "Well played, my wart-sharing friend. You've earned $500 and control of the board, pick a category."

"Actually, it's a common yet false myth that frogs give people warts. In actuality-"

"Shhh! We don't want another Oolong incident. You can bore me with all the details after the game. Pick a category."

"Needless to say, I'm going to pick 'Frieza's Final Hours' for $100."

**This was the last Namekian Frieza destroyed before he met his end.**

BZZ! "Jeice!"

"Who is, uh, Goku?"

"Ooh, I'm sorry, that's incorrect."

"Jeice, you fucking dumbass! Why did you go and do a thing like that? What the hell are you going to do now?"

"Captain," whined Jeice, "you told me to answer every Frieza question with 'Goku!'"

"No, I didn't! I mean, shit, yes I did! Keep doing that, but only if I obviously wasn't about to buzz in!"

"Hold on," Justin interrupted with utmost seriousness, "are you trying to use Jeice as some sort of fuck-up shield so you won't lose any points for getting a wrong answer?"

"If I don't know the answer, I'm not going to buzz in anyway! There's no rule that says Jeice can't take a stab at it first if neither of us are sure!"

"You're supposed to be competing _against _each other, you toad! And to think, I let a non-biped on this show! That's the last time I trust something lower than human and/or alien on the evolutionary chart. Anyway, does anyone else want a crack at this one?"

BZZ! "Captain Ginyu, even though he shouldn't."

"Who is 'Nail?'"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but that's wrong. You were pretty close, though, except for the fact that Nail didn't even technically die because of Frieza. Dr. Gero, want to try?"

"I don't know this one. It's not in my research."

"Objection!" Jeice shouted suddenly. "That doctor guy has a brain full of stuff he knows about these things! That's cheating."

"Yes, it's cheating, but only in opposite land where cheating is just knowing the answers because of personal experience." Justin rolled his eyes. "If we're quite done with this distraction, I think we should move on to the next category. The answer to the previous question was Dende. So far, Captain Ginyu is in the lead with $400, followed by Dr. Gero with nothing and Jeice with -$100. Really fucking competitive. Your pick, Ginyu frog."

"I want 'Frieza's Final Hours' again, for $200."

**This is the character that Frieza would regret killing when it caused Goku's explosive transformation.**

…

…

"Well?" Justin blurted. "No one's going to try and guess at this one?"

"None of us were around when it happened," Dr. Gero noted, "we spent our childhoods doing something besides sitting in front of the TV with our dicks in our hands, marathoning the ongoing adventures of Goku the Overstuffed Buffoon."

"Overstuffed, much like your burrito of a mother. BURN. Anyway, since no one's gonna try and answer this question, the answer is Krillin. The scores are still the same, and Ginyu still has the board."

"'Frieza's Final Hours' for $300."

**This was the only limb that was fully intact on Frieza after Namek exploded.**

BZZ! "Dr. Gero."

"What is his right arm?"

"Correct, although it seems very weird that you would guess that correctly."

"Well, if you understood basic statistics, you'd know that I had a 25% of guessing that right anyway, so I picked the thing that seemed the most logical."

"Good strategy, except for the part where you questioned my ability to understand statistics. Okay, the sound you just heard means it's time for Final Jeopardy. First, I'm going to have to let you go, Jeice, since you have no money to bet with. It was an honor having you-"

"YEEEAAAAH!" Jeice did his best impression of the scream in "Won't Get Fooled Again" before leaping in the air, out through the ceiling, and… who knows where.

"Oh... okay. Anyway, let's look at the category."

**BLOODY MOMENTS**

"Now it's time to begin betting. Just to remind our less observant viewers, Captain Ginyu has $400 and Dr. Gero has $300, so we're looking at a very close race."

…

"And the betting phase is over. Now, the question…"

**This villain was killed in a famous moment that resulted in Goku's first death in the series.**

"Begin writing your answers."

…

"Unbegin writing your answers. Let's have a look at these. First, let's see Captain Ginyu. You wrote…"

"…nothing. Why the fuck is there nothing there, Ginyu-"

"I'M A FROG, ASSHOLE. I CAN'T EVEN WRITE! GOD, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A FUCKING FROG? I HAVE TO FUCKING JUMP UP TO GET ON THE TOILET AND THERE ISN'T EVEN A REASON FOR ME TO GET ON THE TOILET ANYMORE BUT I DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I MISS BEING A FUCKING PERSON! ALL I WANT TO DO IS HAVE SEX AND GET IN A FIGHT, AND I CAN'T DO EITHER OF THOSE THINGS EXCEPT WITH FROGS! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FUCK A FEMALE FROG? SHE WON'T EVEN LET YOU PUT IT IN HER BUTT! I HATE FROGS! I HATE JEOPARDY! I CAN"T BREATHE AGGGHHHH"

Ginyu fainted after one last hoarse exhale. He was pronounced dead on the spot, and Dr. Gero was once again declared victor. For the record, Gero wagered "My Opponent" and guessed "Is A Fucking Frog."

**THE END**


	9. Gero Porunga and Shenron

**Disclaimer: DRAGON BALLSY, THE SHOW WHERE DRAGONS DO MOTHERFUCKING RAD ASS STUNTS, IS NOT OWNED BY NEDTHEJANITOR.**

_THIS… ISSSS… JEOPARDY!_

"Hi guys, I'm Jack Snightly and this is DBZ Jeopardy," Justin snickered at his own little joke, "Now it's time to introduce-"

"You aren't going to turn this little 'introducing yourself with a joke name' gimmick into a regular thing are you?" Dr. Gero, still a one-armed bandit, questioned our valiant host. "I mean, the disclaimers where the show's name gets mangled for a joke are quite enough by themselves, but this is too much."

"Disclaimers? I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, so let's move on. Now that Dr. Gero has already introduced himself, the other two contestants are Porunga-"

"WHAAAAAAAT IS YOUR WIIIIIIIISH?"

"…and Shenron."

"YOUR WIIIIIIIIISH, WHAT IS IT?"

Justin groaned and rubbed his forehead. _"Why did we even agree to do a show today if no other contestants were available…?"_

"You'd better be thinking about your WISH down there…" Shenron bellowed.

"Oh, I have plenty to choose from, believe me. But we have no time for that; let's get started. Our categories are…"

**WHERE ARE THEY NOW?**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "D'AWW…"**

**KAI TRIVIA**

**FACES OF BUU**

**NAMEKIAN BIOLOGY**

POTENT POTABLES

"You have the board, doc."

"I'll have 'Where are they now' for $100."

**This was the last saga in which Android 17 was seen in the Z series.**

BZZ! "Dr. Gero?"

"What is the Cell Saga? Of course."

"Oh, I'm sorry (not), but that's incorrect. Nice try, though. Would either of our eternal dragons like to take a guess?"

"You know, why don't you just wish for us to participate instead of making us hang out here, waiting for you to ask for something?" Porunga said impatiently.

"Ask you for a wish? And waste time? My ass! Now, are you going to try to answer the question or what?"

Shenron became quite irate. "Look, I don't know if you're aware, but every second I'm out here is an hour I'm not spending with my family, so if you keep me out here too long-"

Porunga interrupted. "Only an hour? It's three days for me!"

Their chit-chat was rudely interrupted by the three, err, boop sounds that signaled it being too late to answer the question. "Time's up, guys. The answer was, 'What is the Kid Buu saga?' Although, we also would have accepted 'Buu saga.' Dr. Gero, you still have the board, and just judging by the fact that the eternal dragons aren't even making the remotest effort to answer the questions, you're going to walk home as the winner for the ninth fucking time in a row."

Dr. Gero laughed at the host's frustration openly boiling over. "Bitter much? Now, 'Your Honor', have you forgotten to gargle your dose of sperm today?"

"You're disgusting. Please, just pick a fucking category."

"Very well. I will take 'Where Are They Now' again for $200."

"It worked so well for you last time."

**It is arguable that this character, who currently holds an untold number of championship belts, had pulled his own share of weight as the show progressed from his introduction as a comic relief.**

…

"Oh, so now nobody's going to buzz in? What do y'all think this is anyway? Fucking chess?"

"You're going to have to allow a little time so everyone can read this goddamn novel you call a question," growled Porunga.

Seconds later, BZZ! "Dr. Gero again."

"Who is 'Hercule?'"

"Correct. How did you know that? You were dead before he was even introduced."

"I monitored all of the World Martial Arts Tournaments after Goku destroyed the Red Ribbon Army, and after watching two or three of them with that bumbling imbecile I had a whole new reason to kill Goku."

"You have my sympathy, but more importantly, control of the board."

"The day is mine! I'll take 'Where Are They Now' for $300."

Suddenly a loud series of buzzing noises belted out of the speakers and Justin hopped up and down a couple of times!

"Daily Double!" Justin announced. "This is the first ever occurrence on the entire show of this amazing event! Dr. Gero can bet any amount of the $100 he currently has in his bank before attempting this next question! How much will you wager, Doc?"

"$50," he said back. This caused Shenron and Porunga to glare at him.

"Seriously, that's it?" Porunga's low voice rumbled the room. "You aren't going to bet $51 or something?"

Dr. Gero huffed lowly. "I'm betting half of what I have, you fools. This will probably be the last question of the round."

"Well, no, we aren't that close. If we could hurry this along, there would be time for one more after this. Let's go on ahead with the inquiry…"

Dr. Gero is shown a picture of Tien.

**This character was last seen being defeated by a major villain.**

Dr. Gero immediately jumped to attention. "Who is Tien?"

"That is correct. You get an additional $50 and the knowledge that you would have fucking been better off if you'd just gotten the $300 instead. Oh well, they can't all be winners, except for the fact that you seem to win constantly. Control of the board is still yours."

"$400. Where are they now."

**Nowhere in the world is there a character more rich (and yet virginal) than this one.**

BZZ! "Wow, Shenron, you're going to try and answer this one?"

"What? No, I'm shedding and one of the scales fell onto the buzzer. I don't even have arms, asshole, why am I even here?"

"…So, Porunga or Dr. Gero, it's up to y'all."

"You need to stop making these questions indicative of your own opinions on the people involved," Gero pointed out. "It's getting quite boring being subjected to your personal taste."

All of a sudden, the tone signaling the end of guessing for the question was followed by the buzzer indicating Final Jeopardy.

"You know what's REALLY quite boring," began Justin, "is having only ONE CONTESTANT WITH ANY MONEY FOR FINAL JEOPARDY. THANKS A LOT ETERNAL DRAGONS."

Porunga gave Justin thumbs up.

THE END


	10. Gero Android 16 and Cell

**Disclaimer: Draggin' Buttz is brought to you by Animal Planet. Remember to have your dogs regularly checked for worms, and remember that this anime is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

**Thanks again for the kind reviews. Someone asked me not long ago so it bears repeating; I do take requests. So if you have any ideas of who should appear on the "show" next, you can PM me and probably see it happen. Why, just take this chapter for example; it was a line-up provided by IamSuperVegito.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm I.P. Freely, the writer of 'The Yellow River.' Today's guests are…"

"Dr. Gero," the doctor introduced himself, "and if that last name pun made you cringe, hold on to your hats; they're about to get a whole lot worse."

"Wah wah," Justin mock-cried. "Go cry to your dad's dick forever, noob. Up next, we have a creation of Dr. Gero's! Say hello to Android 16, recently rebuilt and ready for trivias!"

No one said hello to Android 16. He responded with his own hello anyway. "Hello," he said.

"And up third, we have yet another brainchild of Dr. Gero, not to mention a former co-worker of mine who has… well, lately been up to no good. Give a warm howdy-do to Cell!"

"Yo," Cell said simply.

"Yeah, yo daddy, the man standing not far to your right. Without further a-don't, let's look at the categories."

**GUESS THAT PLANET**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "D'AWW…"**

**KAI TRIVIA**

**FACES OF BUU**

**NAMEKIAN BIOLOGY**

**POTENT POTABLES**

"Dr. Gero, if you would…" Justin didn't feel the need to conclude his sentence.

"I'll have 'Namekian Biology' for $100."

**As long as this particular body part is intact, a Namekian can regenerate himself.**

BZZ! "Cell!"

"What is the head?" Cell drawled with boredom.

"That's correct. Now you have control of the board."

"Namekian Biology for $500."

"Whoa! You're getting right down to it, aren't you-"

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. You and I both know I have Piccolo's cells. Unless there's something he doesn't know, which I doubt, I can't lose with this category. You've practically handed me the game."

"Don't forget, Cell, I created you; I know just as much about the Namek as you do."

Cell sneered at his creator. "Yes, but you can never hope to press the buzzer faster than me. And lest you think I'm going to give you any chunk of my money out of sympathy for you losing your winning streak, I will belay that fear right now."

"How pitiful, to think my creation can best his creator at a game of wits. You will soon pay for your insolence."

"You won't even be able to pay for your insolence, good Doctor; I'll have the money."

Justin snapped. "Shut up, you idiots! Didn't you get all of that smug gloating out of your systems during the actual show?"

"We're waiting for you to show the question," 16 stated calmly, the only way in which he could state something.

"…Right, sorry, I was distracted by righteous indignation."

**A blissful form of love that Namekians are not familiar with.**

BZZ! "Yes, Cell?"

"What is the love of a woman?"

"Well… yeah, I guess we can take that. We were looking for 'romantic love', but I think your answer's close enough."

Dr. Gero butted right the fuck in. "Are you suggesting that men cannot feel romantic love toward one another? Are… are you some kind of homophobe, Justin?"

"Oh, hell no, I am not being called a bigot by a fucking killer android-creator. Not again. That is not what I meant and you know it."

"Oh, really. Well, how would you feel if I told you that Android 16 and I were eloping right now?"

"Not nearly as creeped out as me, I bet," 16 added blankly.

"I wouldn't care, as long as 16 consents, which he clearly does not."

"Damn it, 16, help me out here! I created you!"

Once again, 16's response came in a blissfully unaffected monotone: "So, by your logic, if you have a child you are allowed to marry it because you helped in creating it. Is that right?"

Dr. Gero was horrified by his creation's rebellions. Cell decided to take part as well.

"You know, doctor, I find it interesting that you didn't use me in your analogy, but 16 instead," Cell threw in his two cents, "Are you making a statement on your taste in men?"

Dr. Gero seethed. "You both dare to humiliate me like this? Fine! You can both wallow in your beloved host friend's homophobia while I pick a category!"

"Oh, no, you don't," scolded Justin. "It's Cell's turn. Cell, if you would please."

"Namekian Biology for $400."

Dr. Gero began to stew in his own thoughts, which sounds disgusting until you realize most of his thoughts are about fucking Android 18. Then it's REALLY disgusting. _"Picking the same category for the biggest cash amounts so that, if we get to the next categories, he won't have to worry about guessing at them because he already has a lot of money? I don't know whether to be angry or proud of him…"_

**The most sensitive sense on a Namekian.**

BZZ! "Cell!"

"The answer is hearing," Cell yawned as he inspected his fingernails.

"I'm sorry, you didn't phrase that in the form of a question, so you not only lose $400 but you also lose an extra $100 for failing to form your answer properly."

"WHAT?" Cell screamed, biting back the urge to hammer his fist through the podium, "that is not fair at all! I was right!"

BZZ! "Dr. Gero!"

"What is hearing?" Dr. Gero grinned. "Enjoy how my ass feels on your face, Cell?"

"This isn't over," the bio-android growled back.

DING! "That's the sound for Final Jeopardy! I'm sorry, Android 16, but I have to ask you to leave for this part. You don't have any money."

16 nodded and turned to leave. "Thank you. It was fun."

"Mmmhmm! And our category…"

**MINOR CHARACTERS**

"You may begin betting."

…

"Betting over. Now, the decisive moment; answering the question."

**This shapeshifting character can only stay shifted for five minutes.**

"You may begin answering."

…

"Let's see what you wrote, starting with Cell. You wagered…"

**$99**

"And your answer…"

"**Who is Oolong?"**

"You are correct! You now have $199! And as for you, Dr. Gero, you wagered…"

**$100**

"And you guessed…"

"**I don't know the answer."**

"Well, you forgot to phrase that in the form of a question, so I couldn't give you points even if it were correct. Unfortunately… **sigh** you still have more money than Cell, so I have no choice but to once again declare you the winner. Even though Cell answered so many more questions right than you did."

Cell scoffed. "What utter bullshit your show is. I should have killed you when I had the chance…"

**THE END**


	11. Gero Dr Briefs and South Kai

**Disclaimer: Fraggin' Ball Z, the exciting new A&E show where various DBZ characters play Halo and call each other racial epithets like "nigger jew", "green bean" and "lol", is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to DBZ Jeopardy, I'm Dead Inside," Justin began the show on a high note, "I certainly hope you all have had an excellent time seeing Dr. Gero's bright, shining face behind that podium every fucking day, because I tell you, it's been a blast on my end."

"You bitch like a female dog, boy," Gero chuckled, finally sporting a snazzy new arm with which he could assist his other one in flipping off the host, which he did with gusto. "If you insist on having an issue, why don't you use Nappa's tongue as a tissue?"

"Man, you're fucking gross. You know you're going to get your ass kicked open today, right?"

"Oh, do tell, Mr. Inside. Tell me how you plan on seeing the smartest man and/or android in the known universe lose today."

"Because I've brought extra special guests today. The first one is the man who is going to win today… Dr. Briefs!"

"Hello," Dr. Briefs smiled politely for the camera, which would have been a nice gesture had he not been waving at the wrong one.

"Uh, sir, it's the one in front- oh, never mind. Our final guest is, of course, South Kai."

The Kai from the South gave a brief, curt nod of acknowledgement.

"Right on, let's start the game. Here are the categories…"

**GUESS THAT PLANET**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "D'AWW…"**

**KAI TRIVIA**

**FACES OF BUU**

**FIERCEST FIGHTS**

**POTENT POTABLES**

"Dr. Gero, if you would get us started…"

"I have to pick Fiercest Fights for $100, and also question your ability to pick opponents. Seriously, Dr. Briefs? His cat would do better."

Dr. Briefs laughed pleasantly. "Well, she probably would, but I had to leave her home."

"Oh, shut up."

**A fight that was rudely interrupted by the soon to be perfect Cell.**

BZZ! "South Kai!"

"Ah, yes, I do believe North Kai told me about this one… what is 'Piccotto vs. Android 17?'"

"OOH! Close, but I'm sorry, that's… well, nearly not incorrect. But very good try."

BZZ! "Dr. Gero."

"What is Piccolo vs. Android 17?"

"Correct," Justin said through gritted teeth. "Another category."

"Fiercest Fights again, for $200."

**A battle between two Saiyan warriors that resulted in both of their deaths.**

BZZ! "South Kai, again!"

"I definitely remember this one. What is Goku vs. Vegeta?"

"Ohh, I'm sorry yet again, but-"

"Darn! It was Raditz, I meant to say Raditz instead of Vegeta."

"Wow, thanks for just blurting out the answer there, dude. You're at -$300 now, so maybe you should triple check next time you buzz in."

BZZ! "Dr. Gero."

"What is Goku vs. Raditz?"

"That's correct. Congratulations, Dr. Gero, for once again stealing an answer that had already been mostly revealed by South Kai. You have the board once again."

"I want Fiercest Fights for $300."

**Though not for lack of trying, this is the only member of the Ginyu force that Vegeta was not responsible for killing.**

BZZ! "South Kai, let's see what you've got."

"Who is Captain Ginyu?"

"Nicely done, you're back where you started. Go ahead and pick us out a category."

"What the hell do you think I'm gonna pick, sonny boy? Kai Trivia for $500!"

**This late Supreme Kai put up the best fight against Kid Buu, even managing to rip his arm off.**

BZZ! "South Kai!"

"A Kai who I have admired for my whole long life. Who is Southern Supreme Kai?"

"Correct, and with this you are now ahead of Dr. Gero, who has $300. I guess I know what you're going to pick next?"

"Kai Trivia for $400!"

**This main player during the Buu saga was the only survivor of the first fight against Buu.**

BZZ! "South Kai!"

"Who is the Eastern Supreme Kai?"

"That's correct. You have $900, which I believe is a new record for one round on this show, so congratulations for that. Kai Trivia for $300?"

"Yes, please."

Gero thought to himself, _"Damn it! If I don't find an answer to one of these Kai questions soon, I won't be able to catch him!"_

Justin thought to himself, _"Yes! Finally, this asshole is going to lose and be replaced!"_

South Kai thought to himself, _"This is awesome! I'm going to have some Earth money to add to my Different Currencies of the Galaxy collection!"_

Dr. Briefs thought to himself, _"Did I feed Pesci the snake before I left? Oh, well, I'm sure the missus can handle that."_

**Grand Kai deemed this fighter the official winner of the Other World Tournament.**

A long pause ensued. South Kai looked incredibly nervous and angry all of a sudden, while Briefs and Gero stood looking stumped. Finally, just when their chance was about to end, one of the buzzers went off.

BZZ! "Dr. Briefs!"

"Oh, dear, erm- Who is… Goku?"

"Correct, now all three of you are in the running. I think that's the first time it's happened in a while."

"Oh, goodness, well I'm glad my finger slipped then! I get to choose the next category, correct?"

"That is correct, other doc."

"Say, what's with calling me the 'other doc?'"

"Well, Dr. Gero is doc because he was here first. Don't waste time, man, just pick a category."

"Okay, well… I wonder what 'Potent Potables' is? Let's have that for $100."

"It's about time someone picked that damn category," Dr. Gero snarked. "The only reason it's up there in the first place is so our esteemed host can make a reference to the much superior Celebrity Jeopardy SNL skit."

"SHHHH!" Justin shushed the evil mad scientist loudly enough that his microphone audio clipped.

**The inept Ocean edit of the show resulted in frothy mugs of this liquid.**

BZZ! "Dr. Briefs!"

"What is water?"

"Correct."

"I gotta tell you, just for a second, you don't even want to get me started on the way they treated us in some of these English dubs. They always edited out my dang cigarettes!"

Justin held his finger up to silence the angry doctor. "I hate to interrupt your impromptu comedy routine, but we've got Final Jeopardy with three guests instead of the usual two. This is cause for much celebration, but please do so amongst yourselves. The category today is…"

**FUSION**

"Now, you may begin betting."

…

"Okay, betting over. it's time to look at the question."

**How many times it took for Goten and Trunks to fuse properly.**

"Now, it's time to write those answers. You have one minute."

…

"Minute's over, it's time for the humiliation to begin. You first, South Kai, you wagered…"

**$600**

"Okay, seems kind of like a lot of money to put down. Your answer…"

**What is two?**

"Ooh, I'm sorry, you were close. This takes you down to $300, but don't worry; you still have a chance to win. As for you, Dr. Briefs, you wagered…"

**$400**

"Alright! You must be confident. You put down…"

**What is tree?**

Justin smacked his own forehead. "No, damn it… you were even closer than South Kai."

"What? What did I do wrong?" Dr. Briefs double-checked his answer and his eyes betrayed how mortified he was with himself. "Oh, dear…"

"Yeah. Let's just move on to Dr. Gero. You wagered…"

**$1**

"Oh, feeling confident, are we?"

"Fuck you."

"Ain't happenin'. You guessed…"

**Fuck South Kai.**

South Kai shook his head. "Ain't happenin', pal."

**THE END… OF GERO'S REIGN AS TRIVIA KING**


	12. South Kai Broly and Majin Buu

**Disclaimer: DrakeBell Z is a Nickelodeon exclusive that nedthejanitor does not own any rights to.**

"Hello, welcome to DBZ Jeopardy, the show where everything's made up and the points _do _matter. I'm Drew Carrymore, and with us is a line-up of three contestants, including our new champion South Kai!"

Scattered applause littered the room as South Kai stood behind his podium, grinning only slightly.

"Our other two contestants are Broly…"

"GRRAAAAGH!" Broly could not be seen through the layers upon layers of power-reducing chains that he was in the middle of. Better safe than sorry.

"Yes, well," Justin cleared his throat, "our third and final contestant is Mr. Buu."

"YAAAAYY!" Majin Buu did a brief celebratory truffle shuffle as the audience was stuck between thinking he's a grotesque monster and thinking he's kind of cute, in his own way, especially now that he isn't mass-eating people.

"This match is going to have an obvious outcome," Justin deadpanned. "Let's go ahead and look at the board. We have…"

**GUESS THAT PLANET**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "D'AWW…"**

**FACES OF CELL**

**FACES OF BUU**

**ALL ABOUT TIEN**

**POWER LEVELS**

"Let's dive right into this shit. South Kai, you have control of the board."

South Kai fumed slightly. "Well, where the hell did Kai Trivia go? It's the only real reason I won last time, that and North Kai's anecdotes about Goku and those other guys!"

"Look, man, we have to replace the categories that have already been selected between every taping of the show. It's not a big deal, there's plenty of stuff that King Kai's already told you about. And, fuck- look to your left! Just look at who you're going up against!"

South Kai obeyed, and was greeted with the sight of Broly struggling and powering up in an attempt to get rid of the chains that covered his entire body while Mr. Buu took his glove off and began to contemplate what food he wanted it to be turned into since he'd already eaten three entire catering companies in the hour he'd been on set.

"…You know, you're absolutely right. I'm sorry for my outburst."

"Apology accepted, now you should pick a category so we can get this game started."

"I'll take Faces of Cell for $100."

A screen to the right of the board scrolled down, covering up a bit of the J in JEOPARDY behind Justin, and a picture of Semi-Perfect Cell was projected onto it.

**It is either true or false that this form of Cell was fiercely attacked by Tien's tri-beam.**

A long pause ensued. Eventually, Mr. Buu rung in.

BZZ! "Yes, Mr. Buu?"

"What is… for dinner? Buu hungry!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure that's about as far away from the actual answer you could have gotten. You… you aren't even aware that you're on a quiz show, are you?"

"Quiz…?" Buu scratched one of the holes on his head. "Is that type of pasta?"

"Actually, there is a type of pasta in the Southern galaxy on Planet Dijon that-"

"No more of this derail, please," requested Justin in an uncharacteristically polite manner, linked to the fact that Broly was one of the contestants and if he went any more ape-shit than he was already, the entire planet could be wiped out so it was best to stay as quite as fucking possible so that the veritable avalanche burgeoning on occurring wouldn't unload itself on every living being- you know, I'm just going to shut the fuck up now, 'cuz no one really cares anyway. "Would either Broly or South Kai like to try this question?"

South Kai shook his head. Broly continued to scream and struggle as little beams of gold light sparked around his person.

"Well, if no one wants to try, let's just move to the next question. South Kai, you still have control of the board."

"How about Guess that Planet for $200?"

"How about it?"

"…It's the category I choose."

"Oh, okay. Certainly."

**This now non-existent planet in the north side of the universe had three suns.**

BZZ! "Uh, Broly… did you mean to buzz in, or-"

"THE ANSWER IS THIS ONE IN ABOUT TEN SECONDS!" Broly's muffled scream barely passed the comprehension of everyone close to him. Buu turned to give him a stern look.

"No no! You no kill earth people! They good!" Buu gave Broly a stern talking-to. Broly responded in the most eloquent manner he knew how; letting out a fierce roar and scaring the shit out of everyone as the chains slowly began to snap around his power gorged body.

"…Okay, Broly, your answer was incorrect and I'm going to have to dock a couple hundred points off your score. Who else would like a shot at answering this question?"

BZZ! "South Kai."

"What is Old Namek?" South Kai made sure to specify the 'old' part.

"Correct. That brought your score to $300. The board is all yours."

"_I have to hand it to North Kai, the old dead fool's rambling stories came in handy. At least, the ones that were interesting enough to listen to and weren't leading to a bad punch line…"_

"I choose Guess That Planet for $300."

**The place where Goku learned the Instant Transmission technique.**

BZZ! "South Kai."

"Ha! That's an easy one. What is Yardrat?"

"Correct-"

"A YARDRAT IS WHAT EVERY OTHER LIVING BEING LOOKS LIKE TO ME! NOW LET ME OUT OF THESE CHAINS BEFORE YOU GIVE ME MORE TIME TO COME UP WITH PAINFUL WAYS TO KILL ALL OF YOU! RRRRAAAAAARRRRGHH!"

The ball of chains obscuring Broly began to writhe and squirm at that point, and metallic pieces of broken steel flew across the studio at incredible speeds with the breaking of the energy-reducing chains. As the chains broke, it gave Broly back a little bit of his strength, and before anyone was truly prepared, Broly burst out of his prison like the chest burster from the first alien movie and took to doing what he did best; blowing the living shit out of everything and everyone.

It was fortunate for the people there that most of the people in the live studio audience were other Dragonball Z characters and the rest were protected, so no one was actually harmed when Broly and Majin Buu explosively powered up and engaged in a battle that soon left the studio and went all around the city, and soon the world.

Justin sniffed and scratched his head. "Right, well… I guess this makes South Kai our winner once again. I'll see you next time."

THE END


	13. South Kai Pikkon and Gregory

**Disclaimer: Medicine Ball Z is brought to you by the Council of Make-You-Look-Stupid Exercises, not nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Hu Flung Pu, the painter of Brown Spots on the Wall. Today is going to be an amazing show in an amazing new studio since our last one got torn all to shit. But enough about how a lot of people nearly died, it's time to meet our contestants. We have returning champion South Kai…"

South Kai smiled politely and did a peace sign for the camera like a Japanese schoolgirl.

"And competing against him for the Trivia Crown That Doesn't Exist we have Gregory the Grasshopper…"

"Hi everybody!" Gregory shouted cheerfully.

"Finally, we have Pikkon."

Pikkon didn't bother to acknowledge his own name, being all cool and detached. Unlike Gregory, who was trying to start a wave in the middle of the panel.

"What the fuck hell are you doing over there, Gregory?" Justin asked.

"Being stupid," South Kai said quickly before Gregory himself could respond. Gregory just huffed and crossed his arms.

"Whatever! You're just jealous because King Kai got Goku while you got stuck with that dumb-looking Fabio-esque guy no one remembers the name of!"

South Kai fumed at the halo-donning grasshopper. "I will not have you talking that way about uh… my greatest fighter!"

"See? You don't even remember his fucking name! He was a filler guy in a filler story!"

Justin decided that the argument had gone on long enough. "I've decided that this argument has gone on long enough," he stated," so why don't you pick from one of these categories, South Kai?"

**HOW BIG IS MY HAIR?**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "D'AWW…"**

**OTHER IMPORTANT NUMBERS**

**FACES OF BUU**

**ALL ABOUT TIEN**

**POWER LEVELS**

"South Kai, as is the usual routine, the board is yours."

"More like the B-O-R-E-D is his…" Gregory snarked under his breath.

"I'll take 'Power Levels' for 100."

The projector screen to the right of the board shows a picture of Raditz.

**This man's power level.**

…

"So no one has the answer to this mysterious stranger's power level?" Justin asked. "I mean, just because he wasn't even in the show-"

"YES, I WAS! ASSHOLE!" screamed Raditz from the audience as every other character stifled a giggle.

"You _was_ an asshole? You still are one!" screamed Justin right back. "Anyway, since no one wants to even try this, the answer was 1,200. South Kai still has next category pick."

"Let's try Other Important Numbers for $100."

**The number of dragon balls over the course of Dragonball Z.**

BZZ! "Yes, Gregory?"

"What is fourteen?" he practically tweeted. And, no, not like the website where people re-send each other's messages about boring shit all day. (although if you're interested, you can totally find my boring shit at JCH287)

"Correct, Gregory! Now you may pick a category!"

"Alright! I'm in kind of a mushy mood today, so I would like Moments That Make You Go 'D'aww' for $500!"

**The first word Goten said when he met his father.**

…

"Are you serious? Two no-answers in the same match?"

"I could answer it for you!" Goten yelled from the audience.

Justin's lips pursed for a little while, then he turned and said, "You aren't going to get any special points or consolation prizes, but if you want to tell everyone the answer then go right ahead."

"What is 'why the fuck did you leave me with just mom and my brother seven years ago, you deadbeat cock-munching sociopath?'"

Everyone's face lit up with either shock or slight agreement as Goku's eyes shifted about, feeling everyone else's eyes on his back. Before Goku could say anything, Justin attempted to diffuse the situation in his own special way.

"Ha ha!" Then he slapped his knee. "Close, but I'm afraid not. The answer is actually 'daddy.'"

"I will not just stand here and see such a warrior's heart and spirit soiled," Pikkon said tersely from behind his podium. "I don't care if you are his son, you do not humiliate your father like this."

Goten turned from his silent mind-conversation/heart-to-heart with his father to give Pikkon quite a fucking look. "Okay, Pikkon, I'll tell you what. Why don't you hand arouind with my mother, Chi-Chi, for a whole day and then get back to me about how much of an honorable warrior's spirit my father has? If you can make it for one day, just one fucking day, tough guy, I will drop to my knees and beg my father's forgiveness in front of this entire audience."

"Uh, Justin," South Kai spoke as lowly as possible without making himself inaudible, "aren't you going to stop this?"

"No way, dude, this is cool."

"I accept," declared Pikkon without further hesitation. "I will forfeit from this silly game and immediately participate in your challenge instead."

"Silly? Dude, you're just upset that you don't know any of the goddamn answers!" Justin yelled after Pikkon as he was leaving behind Goten and Goku. "Whatever. This brings us to two contestants. South Kai, Gregory; the duel is on, and the latter still has the board."

"I want All About Tien for $100."

"Smart move, ex-lax. Wait, that didn't work."

**This small, pale-skinned being with psychic powers is Tien's sidekick. Hey, psychic sidekick. That almost rhymes.**

BZZ! "Gregory!"

"Who is Chiaotzu?" He answered smugly.

"Correct. This gives you a total of $200, and once again, the board is yours."

"Yippee! Give me the same category for $200!"

**This is Tien's full name.**

BZZ! "Gregory!"

"What is Tienshinhan?"

"Correct! Man, grasshopper, you are just blasting through these! If you keep this up, you will surely be our new champion! Pick yourself yet another category!"

"Thank you, sir! I will pick… MY NOSE! HAHA!"

Justin gave Gregory the steeliest gaze possible. "Don't you ever channel King Kai in this studio ever again, and please pick a category."

"Sorry… All About Tien for $300."

**The three men Tien went to train at King Kai's with.**

BZZ! "South Kai!"

"North Kai's never shut his dead mouth up about this one. Who are Piccolo, Yamcha and Chiaotzu?"

"Correct. You have regained control of the board just in time for Final Jeopardy. You all know the rules, so I feel no need to explain them-"

"Explain them!"

Justin was slightly taken aback. "You mean… you haven't seen the show before?"

"No! And even if I did, you're still supposed to explain the rules every time anyway! It's like an unwritten rule or something!"

"Seriously, not once you've watched this show? Not even the first episode when King Kai was on?"

"No way, I was too busy watching Victorious with Bubbles! The only reason I came on the show was because I got bored after DirecTV took down Nickelodeon! Seriously, come on, explain the rules!"

"…Fine, fine. Basically, we show you the category of the Final Round, and after seeing the category you are allowed one minute to write down a bet on the touch pad in front of you. Then we show you the question, and you answer it to the best of your ability. Whatever you bet will determine how much money you can make in the final round, in your case you can make $400 at most. Is that clear enough for you?"

"Clear as crystal, sir!"

"Great, now that the derail is over…" South Kai muttered to himself. This did not fly under Gregory's radar.

"You know, pink boy, I've had about enough of your goddamn shit!"

South Kai bent down to get in Gregory's face. "Yeah, what are you going to do? I'm one of the esteemed Kais, the watchers of the universe, and you're just a dead pet grasshopper!"

"Yeah, well this dead grasshopper sure gave you something to think about 10,000 years ago!"

South Kai gasped in dramatic fashion and stood up straight, pointing in an accusatory manner. "You swore that you'd never bring that up again!"

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! JESUS FUCK!" Justin roared with manic fury, silencing the bickering after-lifers. "Why don't you both just settle your little differences in this round of Final Jeopardy? Okay? Good. The category is…"

**THE RAIN**

"An interesting and vague category, wouldn't you say? Start placing your bets."

…

"Very good. And our question is…"

**Trunks was mourning the death of this character in the rain after an android attack.**

"You may begin answering."

…

"Alright, let's see your answers. Gregory, you bet…"

**$399**

"Nice. And your answer is…"

**Who is Goku?**

"Sorry, but that is incorrect. You still have a dollar, though, so don't fret! Although…" Justin took note of South Kai's incredibly smug expression. "Maybe you should. Okay, South Kai, you bet…"

**$298**

"You crafty bastard!" Gregory yelled. "I bet you even answered the same way!"

"You bet! Can't beat the pink, bitch!"

"YEAH!" Majin Buu, holding the severed head of Broly, yelled from the audience.

**THE END**


	14. South Kai Goku and Lime

**Disclaimer: Dragonmall Z is brought to you by MTV, and not nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

Justin, who is wearing a nice suit that I've forgotten to mention for the last 13 chapters, nodded and smiled at the camera. "Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Eric Shun and you are whatever the hell you are. Today, our guests are South Kai, the returning champion…"

South Kai did a curt salute to nobody in particular.

"…And our other two guests are Goku and Lime."

"Hi, everyone!" Goku yelled and waved at the audience, ignoring the camera entirely as Lime, now a grown woman, did her best fish-out-of-water impression without even realizing it. "Uh… h-hello, everyone…" She smiled and waved awkwardly. Some men swooned.

"Right, well, let's just jump straight into the game. Taking a look at the categories, I see that we have…"

**HOW BIG IS MY HAIR?**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK?"**

**ARMY LOSSES IN DRAGONBALL Z**

**FACES OF BUU**

**BALD MEN**

**MOOKS**

"South Kai, since you are the returning champion yet again, you've got first pickin's off-a this 'ere board. Sorry, I was channeling the south for a second there."

"That's not what the South sounds like at all," South Kai said in an annoyed voice. "I find that very offensive."

"Obviously, you and I are thinking about very different souths. Please, just pick a category."

"Fine, but I'll be seeing a lawyer about this later. I want Faces of Buu for $100."

The projector shows a picture of the first form of Buu the show ever… showed. Fat Buu. **This form of Buu was achieved after absorbing this character.**

BZZ! "South Kai!"

"Who is Daikaioshin?"

"Correct!"

"Say," Goku butted in, "I knew the answer to that one! I wished I'd have buzzed in! Darn!"

Justin shook his head. "There isn't a thought in your head that doesn't end up out of your mouth, huh Goku?"

"…What?"

Lime attempted to help. "He means you're an open book."

"...I don't get it."

"Look, never mind, you have $0 so you're tied with Lime for second place."

"Second place! Say, that's pretty good, but I'm gonna aim for first!"

"That's fantastic, Goku, but the game has to continue for that to happen. South Kai, please pick another category."

"'Kay then. I want Faces of Buu again for $200."

The projector shows a picture of Kid Buu. **This is the form that Buu was in when he absorbed his first victim.**

BZZ! "Goku."

"Kid B- I mean, who is Kid Buu!"

"Nice save. You've earned $200, putting you in a narrow lead from South Kai. Now you may pick a category."

Goku stared at the board, exaggeratedly inquisitive look punctuated by his hand resting on his chin. Everyone close enough to him could see his eyes scan every choice, struggling and debating in his own head what the wisest pick would be, given his own knowledge of the events each category covers.

Or so everyone thought.

"I… don't really know most of these words!" Goku laughed and scratched the back of his head. Everyone else in the room except for the host himself did that sweat drop/fall over thing that happens all the time in anime, while the host squeezed his eyes shut and fumed for a little bit before trying to address his contestant's issue.

"Goku…," came the host's deceptively gentle voice, "let me ask you something: if you can't read words such as the ones displayed on the category board, then _why are you here?_" A little of Justin's severe annoyance accidentally slipped through. _"This is a quiz show, a place that requires people to smart in order to win! And, yes, I just used 'smart' as a verb! My grammar gets injured when I'm mad, not that you'd notice! You probably don't know what a verb is!"_

"Hey, sorry, calm down," Goku urged the host as he raised his hands defensively.

"Yeah, there's no reason to be a jerk!" Lime hopped to Goku's defense. Justin just rolled his eyes.

Goku's eyes burst suddenly with inspiration. "Could you just read them all out to me and let me pick one?"

"We already do that at the beginning of the show."

"But it's been time since then! Please?"

Justin sighed in defeat. "Sure, why not? We only get around ten minutes, I'm sure we can frivolously waste half of one of them and be none the worse for wear."

South Kai suddenly arrived from left field. And by left field, I mean Goku's immediate right. "Aren't you wasting them right now by continuing this argument, when you could have just read out the categories right after Goku said he couldn't read them?"

"…Damn it. I hate it when people make a good point when they aren't me. Okay, Goku, I apologize for my earlier anger. The categories are…" He read them out. What, you thought I was going to list them all again? Fuck that, I'm not THAT desperate for padding in this chapter.

"Okay, I want Bald Men for $100!"

"You can read numbers, but not words? How- oh, sorry, never mind. Here's the question."

The projector screen showed the face of Krillin, the first and obvious choice even though he wasn't bald anymore by this point. Before Justin even had a chance to read the corresponding question, Goku rang in. "Who is Krillin?"

"Goku, that's not what I was getting at. There's a question you have to answer about Krillin."

"Oh… sorry."

"Don't bother apologizing; you aren't going to be able to try the question again since you already answered. Okay, here's the question…"

**The bald character pictured here trained under Master Roshi alongside this other young fighter.**

There was a brief pause after the reading was done. South Kai's eyes darted over to Goku, and he could immediately tell just by looking at him that he knew the answer. But that got him nowhere; if he asked, he'd be disqualified. The Kai decided to do what other contestants had done in the past to get a right answer despite not actually having a clue; blame it on Goku.

BZZ! "South Kai!"

"Who is Goku?" South Kai answered with a grin. Naturally, this caught Goku's attention. "What do you mean, who am I? We saw each other at the Other World Tournament! I'm standing right here!"

"That's… not what that even means, Goku." A buzzer rang out just as the host finished speaking. "That sound means it's time for Final Jeopardy! Both South Kai and Goku are tied at $100! Sorry you were so useless on this show, Lime, but if it's any consolation we have absolutely no parting gifts for you! Good day, ma'am!"

Lime left with nary a peep in defense of her lacking trivia skills.

"Let's look at the category for Final Jeopardy…"

**HARSHEST INJURIES**

"And the betting may begin…"

…

"The betting may end. Now it's time for the final question…"

**This main villain is the only one who got cut in half but did not have the ability to regenerate.**

"Begin answering!"

…

"Unbegin answering! Goku, let's see what you've done first. You bet…"

**$100**

"And you answered…"

**Incomprehensible scribbling.**

"Goku, uh… why did you guess the words 'incomprehensible scribbling?' You didn't even put 'who is' at the beginning! And… I'm just amazed that you wrote anything coherent down!"

"You can do anything with willpower! Look, when I contacted King Kai for help he said my answer was only going to be incomprehensible scribbling anyway, so I just wrote that!"

"I'm sorry, Goku, but even if you had answered correctly or not bet all of your money, asking for outside help, even telepathically, is illegal. You are disqualified, and South Kai wins by default."

Goku's eyes glazed over; his face looked devastated. "I… cheated…?"

**THE END**


	15. South Kai East Kai and West Kai

**Disclaimer: DrinkinBall Z, an MTV special about how alcoholism and the seven dragon balls share a shocking link, is not brought to you by nedthejanitor. It is merely shamelessly stolen for further creative elaboration.**

**Thanks again to all of my darling reviewers and people who are following me (that's author alert to you old-timers). In case anyone may have been wondering, since it isn't really stated directly, Justin reads all of the text written in bold, except for this stuff up here. **

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Deadward Sullen, your esteemed host. We have us a special event on today's show; all of the current living non-supreme Kais are going to be competing against each other! First, we have our returning champion, South Kai…"

"That's right," gloated the pink Kai, "four days running, bitches. Or five. I don't really remember."

"Good for you. Another week or so, you'll have Dr. Gero's current record of 11 appearances and 10 victories surpassed. Secondly, we have the Kai from the East-"

"Hello, everyone!" East Kai brashly interrupted, mugging the camera harder than a desperately poor actor directing his first film. "I just want everyone to soak in the face of the new champion, starting today!"

"With confidence like that, this can only end in tears. Whether they be in laughter or in sadness, that is the truest mystery of all. Lastly, we have West Kai, who is precariously balanced on a stack of books."

"Ha ha! Very funny, jackass! Seriously, could you make these things any taller?"

Justin thought for a minute. "Yes, actually, we could." Justin then pressed a button underneath his own host podium to make the third contestant's podium slowly rise higher.

"Okay, okay, enough!" West Kai screamed. "Now I'm going to need another book! Someone bring me a tall one!"

"War and Peace?" someone asked from back stage.

"Hell no! I'm trying to get level with the podium, not get something off the ceiling! The encyclopedias will work!"

After getting re-situated, the games were ready to begin. "The games are ready to begin," Justin restated unknowingly, "let's have a look at today's categories."

**HOW BIG IS MY HAIR?**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK?"**

**ARMY LOSSES IN DRAGONBALL Z**

**IMPORTANT ANIMALS**

**ENERGY ATTACKS**

**MOOKS**

"South Kai, I'm sure you're used to having the board by now, so I needn't even explain. Enjoy picking your category."

Before South Kai could even open his mouth, East Kai took a very poor opportunity to shoot off hers. "That reminds me of a funny joke I was told yesterday! Who wants to hear it?" She asked the audience, most of whom didn't respond.

"Uh, that really isn't nec-"

"You can pick your categories, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your categories' noses! HO HO!"

"Wow, East Kai, I know North Kai is the worst joke-teller in our group, but you're certainly vying for the title with that one," West Kai said as he covered his glass-covered eyes with shame.

"Indeed. I know better jokes from the insides of Laffy Taffy wrappers," South Kai added.

Justin, sensing a potential repeat of the Oolong Incident (a day that will live in infamy), decided to jump into the fray. "Look, let's not continue this derail any further. Just pick a category so we can actually get the game started."

"I want Important Animals for $100."

**Having joined the cast since nearly the very beginning of the series, this shape-shifting cat is the sidekick of Yamcha.**

…

"…Well?"

"None of us are familiar enough with your universe to answer a question like that," West Kai pointed out helpfully just after the buzzer rang.

"Fair enough. Try again, South Kai."

"I want How Big Is My Hair for $100."

A picture of Vegeta's hair, with the head photoshopped completely away so that it looks like a floating wig, appeared on the projector screen.

**A hair-do fit for a certain prince.**

BZZ!BZZ! "Wow, holy shit," Justin gaped in awe, "I've never heard two people buzz in at the same time like that! South Kai and West Kai both buzzed in at the same fucking time, and now I have no idea who buzzed in first!"

"Me!" screamed South and West Kai at the same time.

"Jeez, first buzzing in and then talking at the same time? Were you two separated at birth?"

South Kai and West Kai looked over at each other, leaning over their podiums so they could see without East Kai in the way, and shuddered. This action caused West Kai to nearly topple his stack of books over.

"Shit, West Kai, that's the first thing you've done in a minute that South Kai didn't do simultaneously. Okay, this is going to be up to East Kai to decide. Who do you think buzzed in first?"

"Why, that depends on which one of these boys is willing to give me more of the resulting cash!" East Kai said, brazenly ignoring the rules of the show.

"You can't just say that out loud, you big idiot!" West Kai screamed, an action that once again caused him to nearly throw his book stack off balance. "Agh! I'll give half of my prize money to anyone who can get me something better to stand on!"

Justin held his hand up for silence. "Uh, two things. One, there's absolutely no guarantee you're getting any prize money, especially with the way things are going now. Two, uh, you can fly, dude. Why not just float in place for ten minutes?"

"Because that's hard," whined the Kai of the West. "I'm a Kai, damn it! I might be able to take on the mightiest and deadest of the mightiest dead warriors, but I should at least be afforded a chair or something. 'Sides, I'm getting old and your idea would put a strain on me!"

"_You _are putting a strain on all of us, with your incessant whining!" East Kai blurted. "It is not befitting of a Kai to complain as much as you do!"

"Oh, look, everyone! A lecture on how to act like a Kai from Ms. 'Treats Any Camera Like a Long-Lost Son!' Why don't you go back to telling bad jokes? I think there are a few of your dead relatives you haven't embarrassed out of after-existence yet!"

Justin and South Kai could only stare in slightly awed amusement as two of the most important people in the afterlife- overseers of the entire universe- fought like they were school children. The buzzer had rang signaling the end of guessing for the last question long ago, and it seemed completely lost to all of them what even got the fight started.

Suddenly, BZZ! The sound signaling the beginning of the final round… sounded.

"Oh, well, looks like we can go," West Kai said casually as he jumped off of his pile of books and left aside East Kai, leaving Justin and the winner of Jeopardy in stunned silence.

**THE END**


	16. South Kai ChiChi and Gohan

**Disclaimer: DragonballTea, the delicious new tea that is tea-bagged by real dragons, is not responsible in any way for the shenanigans that are about to unfold.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to DBZ Jeopardy, I'm Hung Aryan and that just lost me a lot of viewers. Anything for a laugh, or at least an attempt at one." He shrugged. "And now to introduced our new and improved contestants, and I say 'new and improved' because they aren't EAST KAI OR WEST KAI." Justin said the last five words so hard that he startled half the people in the audience. Then he cleared his throat. "Okay, first we have our returning contestant."

"Reppin' the south side of the galaxy, dawgs," South Kai helpfully introduced himself. "Come at me."

"I intend not to. To his immediate left, we have… we have Chi-Chi."

Chi-Chi bowed as her name was called.

"And to _her _left, we have Gohan."

"Hi, everyone!" Gohan smiled and waved at the camera, flashing that ever-winning Goku smile that has embarrassed every dead Saiyan for so long.

"Fantastic. Now let's see the categories-" BZZ! "…Yes, Chi-Chi?"

"So how much prize money is the winner of this show supposed to get?" Chi-Chi asked as she placed her arms on her hips for intimidation's sake.

"Whatever they accumulate over the course of this show," explained Justin, "which is why it would be smart to get started as soon as possible so that all of you will have time to make lots of money. Today, our categories consist of…"

**THIS ONE'S FOR THE LADIES**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK?"**

**ARMY LOSSES IN DRAGONBALL Z**

**WAYS OF GETTING ENERGY**

**ENERGY ATTACKS**

**MOOKS**

"South Kai, if you would…" BZZ! "…After Chi-Chi's done with whatever she wants to say."

"I have a problem with this man being allowed to pick the first category," Chi-Chi complained with her finger jammed tightly in South Kai's direction. "Have you considered that maybe the reason he's the champion is because he gets to control the game from the start?"

"Hey, that's…" Justin paused in mid-rebuttal. "Actually, that's not a bad point. I totally get what you're saying, but ma'am, we can't change the rules mid-game. You're just going to have to play along. Now, please, let's let South Kai pick a category so we can move ahead."

Chi-Chi crossed her arms and huffed. "Well, fine…"

"I want Moments for $100," South Kai said quickly, worrying that Chi-Chi would interrupt again.

"I'm sorry, what category did you want?"

"Moments."

"There's not a category with that name. Try again."

South Kai moaned. "I want Moments That Make You Go 'What The Fuck' for $100. You happy?"

"Sure I am!" But he was not happy for long, for lo and behold, Chi-Chi piped up with more opinions.

"How can you have language like that on a show that everyone watches?!" Chi-Chi demanded. "You do know that kids are seeing these words too, right?"

"No, Chi-Chi, no. I can't keep letting you do this," Justin said firmly. "We are not having another fucking game where only one or two questions get answered. If you have complaints about the show, wait until afterward to discuss them with-"

All of a sudden, Pikkon burst through the ceiling like Superman and narrowly missed Chi-Chi with an energy blast, blowing a hole in the wall behind her as a result.

"Oh, fuck. The show may as well be over…" groaned Justin.

"I will never forgive you for the one day of hell you put me through! I would not do my homework! I WOULD NOT STUDY! DIE, DEVIL WOMAN! DIIIEE!"

Pikkon's attack was cut short by a swift double axe-handle to the back by Goku. "Geez, Pikkon! What's your deal, anyway?!"

"Goku, whatever the living shit his deal is, see to it that your differences are settled somewhere far, far away from here. I have a goddamn game show I need to run, and we're already halfway through a game that hasn't gotten a chance to start yet."

"I… I'd like to post-pone the game, if I could," Chi-Chi said timidly, clearly having been traumatized by the near-death experience Pikkon just exposed her to.

Justin was clearly about to say something snippy until a thought, or perhaps some empathy, came to him. Wait, no, it was just a thought. He nodded. "Okay, that's fine. We'll just give a match between South Kai and Gohan."

Chi-Chi said thanks and made her way to the back as

"Okay, just to recap since it's been about four weeks since the start of this fucking game, South Kai had just picked 'Moments' for $100-"

"Don't you mean, 'Moments That Make You Go What The Fuck?'" South Kai teasingly interrupted.

"Yes, thank you, that's exactly what I meant. Anyway, here's that question."

The question South Kai chose finally came up.

**This character is the only one who battled as a piece of candy- and won!**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"Who is Vegito?"

"Very good, you now have control of the board."

'Cool!" Gohan did a brief fist-pump, humorous in its naiveté and beautiful in its youthfulness. "I want Energy Attacks for $100."

**A shot that nearly destroyed the world, Vegeta had this attack aimed at Earth itself in his first battle with Goku.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"What is the Galick Gun?"

"Correct again! You have a $200 lead over South Kai's impressive score of $0! The board is still yours."

"Say, let me ask you something," South Kai turned to Gohan and said, "Would you be related to a man named Goku?"

"Absolutely, he's my dad."

South Kai chuckled. "I have to say, your father's an excellent fighter, but his intelligence leaves something to be desired. I think this lucky streak of yours is going to end pretty soon, boy."

Gohan's face tightened into a Saiyan smirk of challenge. "I don't think you're going to be ending anything around here, buddy; that's my job."

"Oh? Now look here, you-"

"Uh, South Kai, do you realize the round is going to end with Gohan winning by default if you keep this argument going?"

"…Oh, shit! Uh, okay, let's keep it going then!"

"I'll pick Energy Attacks again, for $200."

**Goku used this attack in tandem with his Instant Transmission technique at one point during his battle with Cell.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"That's easy, what is the Kamehameha?"

"Correct, this brings you to $400. The board, yet again, is yours."

"Energy Attacks for $300."

**The attack that killed two Saiyan brothers at the same time.**

BZZ! "Gohan, once again!"

"What is the Special Beam Cannon?"

"Yet again, the guy gets it! I think this is the first time one contestant has been so far ahead of the competition, with a score of $700 to South Kai's nothing!"

"Don't rub it in!" South Kai shouted. "Let's just keep this going!"

"Well, South Kai, I would…" As if on cue, the buzzer signaling the end of the round went off just as Justin finished speaking. "But I'm afraid that's the end of the round. It looks like there's a scholarly new champion in town!"

"Damn it!" South Kai clenched his fists and fought the urge to slam them against his podium. "How anti-climactic!"

**THE END**


	17. Gohan Android 15 and Chiaotzu

**Disclaimer: DragonBowl Z can be yours for only $9.99 if you call within the next ten minutes, and as a bonus, you'll receive a special bonus heap of "nedthejanitor does not own this." **

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Schnapps Into Action. Today, we have yet another exciting new champion to introduce, though I'm sure if you're one of the people that has been keeping track before this point, you already knew that. And if that's the case, well, don't be a smarty-pants and rub all your knowledge into our faces. In fact, don't rub anything into our faces. Just stay the hell away from me."

Justin stopped talking and put his hand to his chin. "Now, where was I…? Ah, yes! Today's contestants. First, we have returning champion, Son Gohan…"

"Hey, it's great to see you all again!" Gohan waved happily.

"…And I have to say, it's kind of nice to have a champion who isn't a total cockmuzzle. Cockmuzzle?! I'm a fuckin' genius! Anyway, our second contestant is a character by the name of Android 15!"

"Yo."

"So, tell me, since I haven't seen you since the DBZ Court days; how is that 'alcohol addiction' going?"

"I don't know what the fuck I was thinkin', quite frankly. I need the stuff to live. Literally, my circuits can't function without it."

"So, do you believe it was a shortage of alcohol that caused you to short-circuit like that?"

"No, man. Pain pill addiction. Really fucks your head up."

"Ah. I know how that is. I mean, er, our third contestant is Chiaotzu."

"Hey, guys!" Chiaotzu mirrored Gohan's contagious enthusiasm.

"Chiaotzu, my friends, is a good example of how to be short, in contrast with West Kai. He actually uses his damn energy and floats up to the top of the podium instead of standing on a pile of books so precarious it reminds me of that junk staircase from Home Alone 2. Chiaotzu, thank you for being a half-pint with grace."

"Uh… thanks, I think."

"Hey, dude, I'm doing the same thing!" yelled Android 15. "Why didn't I get a shout-out?!"

"…Let's move on. Today, our categories are…"

**THIS ONE'S FOR THE LADIES**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "SAW IT COMING."**

**ARMY LOSSES IN DRAGONBALL Z**

**WAYS OF GETTING ENERGY**

**FILLER? I HARDLY KNEW 'ER **

**MOOKS**

"That fifth category just makes me really glad King Kai and East Kai aren't contestants right now," Justin observed. "Alright, Gohan, why don't you get us started?"

"Yeah! I'll take Ways of Getting Energy for $100."

**In the tournament just before the Majin Buu saga, Gohan was stabbed in the side with an energy-stealing device by these two heinous villains.**

BZZ! "Chiaotzu!"

"Who are Yamu and Spopovich?"

"That is correct. Gohan, that question was practically tailor-made for you, why didn't you answer it?"

"Because it made me kind of mad."

"…I understand. Chiaotzu, pick us another category."

"I want Filler, I Hardly Knew 'Er for $100. Mainly because I think the name of the category is sort of funny."

**This wish Garlic Jr. made in his first appearance made his final fate all the worse.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"What is immortality?"

"Correct, and yet another very existentialist-sounding question, if I do say so myself. You and Chiaotzu are both tied right now, maybe this third question will end up in a certain purple robot's hands…?"

"Doubt it. I don't know any of this shit, I'm just here to promote myself."

"…What?"

"I'm here to get my face out there, dummy! Make it in show business!"

"Well, congratulations, so far you've annoyed me and failed to answer basic trivia, and since every other celebrity seems to do both of those as well, looks like you're on your way to easy street."

"Hell yeah! I mean- hey!"

"Pick a category, Gohan."

"Okay. Uh, I think I'll pick Ways of Getting Energy for $200."

"You think? Boy, in these parts, you gotta be damn sure or you may as well just lose."

"Yes. Wait, no. Filler again for $200."

"Shit, now you ain't even saying the proper category name-"

"Just let me have the question," Gohan said firmly. "This is taking too much time."

"…Okay."

**As Goku charged his Spirit Bomb, Yamcha, Tien and Chiaotzu went toe to toe with this recently deceased villainous squad.**

BZZ! "Android 15, of all people!"

"Buy my new album, Sippin on Dat Purple 'Bot, in-"

"Fuck you, Android 15."

"Wait, let me try again. What is buy my new album, Sippin' on Dat Purple 'Bot, in."

Justin gazed at him. "…Why did you stop?"

"Oh, sorry, that's where you stopped me last time so I wanted to be consistent. I'll finish if-"

"No, no, goddamn no. Gohan, Chiaotzu, one of you try."

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"What is the Ginyu Force?"

"Nnnot exactly. Chiaotzu."

"What is the Ginyu Force, without Captain Ginyu?"

"Correct! Especially impressive that you were the last person who tried to guess, even though you fucking participated in the question!"

"Hey, it's not my fault the other two are faster than me!"

"Actually… it kind of is. Anyway, let's not dwell on your incompetence. Pick another category."

Gohan fumed. "Now, look, I'm getting really tired of you picking on my friend. You can lay the smackdown on Android 15 all day and night, but Chiaotzu is my comrade."

"Comrade? Fucking pinko. Anyway, fine, I won't be derogatory towards him for the rest of the show. Sorry. But please let him pick a category."

Chiaotzu thought for a brief moment. "I want to keep going with filler for $300."

Justin bit back his comment about how fitting it was that Chiaotzu was so comfortable with filler and nodded his head.

**During the wait for the Cell Games, Gohan met this little girl named after a fruit.**

BZZ! "Android 15?"

"Who is Chiaotzu?"

"No. What the fuck? No! Why would- what made you guess that?"

Android 15 smirked. "'Cuz he is a fruit. Look at his make-up."

Chiaotzu growled and clenched his fists.

"He isn't worth it, Chiaotzu, don't even get mad."

BZZ! "Chiaotzu?"

"What is, 'Android 15 is a sac-chasing no-talent jerk?!"

"Why you-" Android 15 launched into an attack, but was immediately incinerated by Gohan.

"Gohan, do you want to guess, since everyone knows you know the answer?"

"Of course! Who is Lime?"

"Yes, that's correct, and since Chiaotzu wasted all of his money, you win by default! Why did you wait to answer that question?"

Gohan grinned. "Why else? I knew Chiaotzu would get mad at Android 15's response, so I waited until they both finished before I jumped in."

"That's… damn, Gohan, that's some scary-ass insight."

"They don't call me scholar for nothin'!"

**THE END**


	18. Gohan Supercomputer and Android 17

**Disclaimer: DragonBull Z is brought to you by the Texas YEE-HAW HOWDY-DO Rodeo, and not nedthejanitor. Adjust your screens accordingly.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Hello, and welcome to another exciting addition of Jeopardy. I'm that guy from your science class that you regularly have dreams about that involve school shootings, and that entire name is written, verbatim, on my birth certificate. Also, we have new contestants, like always. First, our esteemed returning champion, Gohan."

"It's good to be back," Gohan said after a polite bow to the camera.

"You're just too damn well-behaved for me to believe. But that's neither here nor there. Our second contestant is that huge super-computer in Dr. Gero's basement that was responsible for finishing Cell's development. Yes, folks, we are that fuckin' desperate."

"Greetings," the computer drawled monotonically, a buzzer plugged into a port on the front so it could buzz in when it was necessary.

"I hope you do not plan on being as much of a sneering jerk as your creator."

"We'll see about that."

Justin did a double-take, not really expecting the computer to respond to any taunts. "O…kay. Good, then. Our final contestant is Android 17."

"Game on, bitches," Android 17 sneered coolly. "I'll prove my superiority over that smart-ass supercomputer yet."

"See that you do. Now that the entire circus has been cast, it's time to check out those categories, which today consist of..."

**THIS ONE'S FOR THE LADIES**

**MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "SAW IT COMING."**

**ARMY LOSSES IN DRAGONBALL Z**

**GETTING (SEVERED) HEAD**

**EYE COLORS**

**MOOKS**

"Let's get this show on the fuckin' road. Gohan has the board."

"I don't see his fuckin' name on it, pal," Android 17 snarked.

"Well, we couldn't have a category about just one character, that would be kind of unbalanced… unless we've already had one like that, I don't remember. Anyway, shush until Gohan's done pickin'."

"I want Mooks for $100. Just because I have no idea what that word means and I want to find out."

**This mook of Frieza's preceded Majin Buu in the area of being fat and pink.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"Who is Dodoria?" Gohan answered quickly.

"Correct. The board is yours again."

"Mooks for $200."

**A mook with a musical name that was responsible for the first death of Krillin.**

BZZ! "Android 17!"

"Who is Tambourine?" Android 17 answered. "Thank God for that extensive database on Goku…"

"Good job. Now that you've successfully answered a question and wrestled the lead away from Gohan, you can pick a category."

"Army Losses in Dragonball Z for $300."

**The last ever attack to be carried out against a major villain by the armed forces was carried out against this villain.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"Who is Majin Buu?"

"Correct. The lead is yours once again, with $400 to Android 17's $200."

"Hey, I have an objection," Android 17 interrupted. "That wouldn't be happening if that giant computer weren't right there between us."

"What… could possibly be your explanation for that?"

"Well, she's throwin' off my vibes."

"What 'vibes' are you speaking of, Android 17?" asked the supercomputer. "The reason you're losing is because of your stupidity and your slow reaction times compared to the now much more powerful Gohan. If my buzzer were plugged in properly, I would be winning this match right now."

"Up yours, robot."

"YOU are the robot. I am a computer."

"Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man."

"Look, I appreciate Big Lebowski references as much as the next guy, but will someone come in here and plug the computer's buzzer in right?"

"Aww, man," Gohan whined. "We aren't going to have to start the game over, are we?"

"No, Gohan, but I am going to give the supercomputer control of the board to try and make up for the last two questions it didn't get a shot at. Supercomputer, please buzz in so we can indicate that it's working now."

BZZ! "Very good, super computer. Now go ahead and pick a category, so we can resume the game."

"I'll take Moments that Make You Go 'Saw it Coming' for $100."

**Vegeta lost to this fighter because he, in his arrogance, allowed him to finish his transformations.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"Who is Cell?"

"Correct!"

"Wait, so that Vegeta asshole really let Cell absorb my sister?" Android 17 interrupted again. "Why, if that guy weren't stronger than me, I'd pound him into the dirt. Unfortunately, he's stronger than me."

"Thank you, 17, we couldn't have inferred that even if we already knew. Gohan, you've regained control of the board."

"Same category for $200."

"Hey, dude, you gotta say the name of the category. That's, like, in the rules or something," Android 17 piped up.

"That's… not really true, but whatever," Justin shrugged.

Gohan sighed, almost as exasperated at 17's insistence on making a nuisance of his self as Justin was. "Okay… I want Moments That Make You Go 'Saw it Coming' for $200."

**It was because of this character's desire to see Cell suffer instead of inflicting a quick death that Future Trunks was murdered.**

…

"Oh, does no one have the answer to that?" Justin asked with feigned innocence as Gohan's gaze- almost literally- burned a hole into him. "Why, I could have sworn that-"

BZZ! "Ah, yes, supercomputer!"

"Who is Gohan?"

"Correct! I suppose you guessed just by his reaction to that question?"

Gohan was fed up with this bullshit. "All right, that's enough! You're making fun of a very traumatic part of my life here!"

Justin decided to egg him on just a little further. "You know what else is very traumatic, Gohan? Dying in a timeline that isn't even yours."

"Why, you-"

DING DING! "Oh, and that sound means it's time for Final Jeopardy! This will be the first time in a while we've even had it, much less with every contestant on board. To recap, Gohan has $500, Android 17 and the supercomputer both share second place with $200. The final category is…"

**WHEN ANDROIDS ATTACK!**

"_I got this shit…" _thought Android 17 to himself.

"You may now begin betting."

…

"Okay, betting over. Now it's time to see the question."

**Vegeta was killed in Future Trunks' timeline by this android.**

"Begin answering… now."

…

"Alright. It's time to see the answers. Android 17, you bet…"

**$200**

"Your answer…"

**Who is Android 17 (AKA this guy up here ^^^)**

"Very well done, and nice use of helpful arrows. You have $400 now. Supercomputer, your wager-"

"I don't have any fucking hands to write with," the supercomputer interrupted.

"…Shit, sorry. Guess you lose by default. "

"'Guess you lose by default,'" the supercomputer sassed back. "I knew I should have got on Wheel of Fortune instead."

"Uh, you don't have fucking hands. How would you have spun the wheel?"

"…Just leave me alone."

"'Kay. Gohan, it's time for the moment of truth, and judging by the look on your face, the truth is about to set you free from your championship."

Gohan hung his head in shame. "How could I have been so dumb…"

"You wagered…"

**$400**

"And you guessed…"

**Android 17**

"Well, you gave the right answer, but I'm sorry, you didn't phrase it correctly. That means… holy shit…"

Justin dramatically turned toward the camera. "That means Android 17 is our new champion!"

**THE END**


	19. Android 17 Dodoria and Yamcha

**Disclaimer: GoblinBall Z is tired of every smart-ass kid out there purposefully mispronouncing the name of their show. It's not "Gobblin' Balls", you assholes, we're trying to teach kids about the goblin culture in America. Also, nedthejanitor doesn't own this show.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome you all to Jeopardy, I'm Barry N. Mybone. In your wife's vagina. Today we have another special show, even though all of these have been special and, more importantly, have also been shows. But if you've been watching them, you already knew that. Let's introduce the contestants before I bury myself further into my rhetorical grave, shall we?"

Justin gestured with a brief wave to the contestants. "First, we have our new returning champion, Android 17… who has not really written his name on the display board. Who the hell is 'Jim Fuckfrest?'"

"Well, you see, Fuckfrest is a portmanteau of 'fuck' and 'breakfast' that I came up with while I was fucking some girl one morning."

"Okay… and Jim?"

"I just always thought Jim was a funny name."

Justin massaged his forehead between his thumb and pointer finger, wishing the day was over even though it had just begun. "Let's move on, then. Our second contestant is none other than the amazingly spiky-headed Dodoria."

Android 17 immediately jumped in before Dodoria could properly introduce himself. "Haha, look at you, you fat-ass pink blob! Lookin' like a low-rent Majin Buu with spikes twice the size of his dick! I bet you're taller when you lay on your side! Dodoria?! More like Do-doritos!"

The audience, Dodoria, the other contestant (who will be named in just a sec) and Justin gaped silently as Android 17's burn-fest ended with him licking his finger and placing it to his ass, making a prolonged hiss sound. As Justin began laughing at the shade of red that appeared on Dodoria's pink face, his teeth gritted hard, and he threw a punch at the longhaired android. 17 responded by dodging his punch and, with merely a tap on the left shoulder pad, completely breaking Dodoria's armor. Dodoria was left with the black under-armor clothing, and boy, was he mad. But he realized he was sorely outclassed and, since he didn't want 17 to make him sorely… sore, he backed off.

"Well, that was a shameful display if I ever saw one. Thanks for single-handedly throwing Frieza's hiring standards into question. Our third contestant, Yamcha, should be just about done ducking behind his podium, right?"

Yamcha poked his head out from behind the podium. "Look, man, I just don't want to be in the way when 17 throws Dodoria across the room. Seriously, do you smell that guy?"

"Yeah, he has a point," 17 concurred. "Dodoria smells like burnt feet."

"In that case, I completely understand. Let's examine the categories, the way Frieza is probably examining a burnt demon's foot to test the accuracy of 17's assessment."

**THIS ONE'S FOR THE LADIES**

**GOING OUT ON A (SEVERED) LIMB**

**THE FIRST 13 EPISODES (BECAUSE JUSTIN JUST GOT THROUGH RE-WATCHING THEM)**

**GETTING (SEVERED) HEAD**

**EYE COLORS**

TIME

"Now then. Let's get started, shall we?" Justin smiled politely. "Android 17, you may pick first category."

"Give me, uh, Severed for $100."

Justin looked over at the board and then back at Android 17. "Erm, you're going ot have to be a little more specific than that."

"Why do you have two severed body parts categories anyway?" 17 questioned. "That seems pretty dark."

"Any darker than nearly killing everybody on Earth like your future counterpart?" snapped Justin right back. "Look, we're wasting time that we don't have to waste here. Just quit being difficult and pick a category."

"'Kay. I want Getting Severed Head for $100."

**This unfortunate man's head was kicked off of his body by one of his own creations.**

BZZ! "Of course, Android 17!"

"Who is Jim Fuckfrest?" 17 answered.

Justin groaned with rage. "17, you knew what the god damn answer was, why did you just throw it away like that?!"

"Hey, I didn't," 17 protested coolly, "that's the current name of the guy who killed Dr. Gero."

"It's not your real name!" Justin shot back as the bell rang for the end of the question.

"Android 17 isn't my real name, either, pal. How do you even know Jim Fuckfrest wasn't my real name before being turned into an android?"

"Because no last name has the word 'fuck' in it and lives to tell the tale! By the way, I just noticed that 'fuckfrest' being a combination of 'fuck' and 'breakfast' doesn't make any sense, because the second syllable to the latter word is 'fast' so it should be 'fuckfast!' Unless you androids use the word 'breakfrest.'"

(A/N: …what the fuck am I even writing right now?)

"What?! I'm a little insulted that you'd think 'fuckfast' a more appropriate name for me! I'll have you know I like fucking nice and slow, sensually-"

"Oh my God, you two have been arguing over the word 'breakfast' for the last minute!" Yamcha blurted. "Just shut up and play already! We've only had one question this entire game!"

"You're right, Yamcha, I'm sorry." Justin briefly bowed his head in shame. "I'm not going to let myself be distracted by Android 17 anymore. Pick a category, 17."

"We'll see about that. I'll make this a two-question round or my name isn't Jim Fuckfrest. I want Getting Severed Head again for $200."

**Goku took out this giant robot's head with a Kamehameha wave when he was just a little boy.**

BZZ! "Android 17!"

"Who is Major Metallitron?"

"Correct. This puts you back at a paltry $100, which is still infinitely better than Yamcha and Dodoria's scores of $0, respectively."

"Hey, Dodoria, I think you should replace Dora on Dora the Explorer. It could be called 'Dodoria the Exploria.'"

"Fuck you, kid!" Dodoria snapped. "I've been destroying planets since before you were a thorn in your daddy's nutsack!"

"Both of you, shut the fuck up!" Yamcha yelled. "How am I going to make any money if you two are taking up the entire show's time arguing?!"

DING DING! "Well, it would be time for Final Jeopardy, but… well, Yamcha, neither you or Dodoria have any money to your name, so this one's going to have to be ceded to Android 17."

Android 17 crossed his arms and smugly grinned as Dodoria visibly shook with rage, a vein appearing on his head, while Yamcha just shook his head and walked back into obscurity- erm, I mean, walked backstage. No, wait, I meant the first thing.

"Make the check out to Jim Fuckfrest."

**THE END**


	20. Android 17 Old Kai and Master Roshi

**Disclaimer: DraininBallZ is the sensual new night block, only on Skinemax. Not owned by nedthejanitor, but carefully monitored for… erm, documentation purposes.**

**Thanks again to all my reviewers and followers. Unless you're a jerk, and in that case, stop it. You jerks. **

**Also, someone asked me if contestants actually had to write their answers down in question format during Final Jeopardy. And the answer to that is, I don't really remember if that's the way they do it on the real show or not, but I decided to make it that way here just for the sake of comedic potential. **

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Anna Lingus. Today, we have some very special guests with some very capable incapabilities when it comes to keeping their hands at their sides and their dicks in their pants. Oh, and we also have Master Roshi and Old Kai."

"Old Kai?!" screamed Old Kai. "Well, of all the disrespectful, snotty little things- I oughta come over there and clean your clock!"

"Are you gonna clean his grandfather clock?" 17 jumped in, much to Old Kai's phlegm-ridden snarl. Meanwhile, Master Roshi stood at his podium on the right, chuckling at the antics of the two.

"Let's just forgo the introductions, for the sake of my blood pressure," Justin said. "I see that you, Android 17, have once again put down a fake alias for yourself. 'Master Debator.' That's- that's really, you know what, that would be brilliant if it weren't a one hundred year old joke."

"Not all of us can come up with gold like 'Anna Lingus.'"

"…Moving on, let's have a look at the board."

**THIS ONE'S FOR THE LADIES**

**GOING OUT ON A (SEVERED) LIMB**

**THE FIRST 13 EPISODES (BECAUSE JUSTIN JUST GOT THROUGH RE-WATCHING THEM)**

**HEEL FACE TURNS**

**EYE COLORS**

TIME

"Alright, let's get this game started. 17, you have the board."

"I have the 'bored' alright. B-O-R-E-D."

"God damn it, 17, we had two prompts yesterday, could you please allocate your smack-talking time to after the show is over?"

"I'd like a snack," Old Kai said.

"I said 'smack', sir."

"Oh, never mind. I quit the dust a long time ago."

Justin did a double take. "Jesus Christ, man, we didn't need to know that. Let 17 pick a category."

"I'll take 'This One's For the Ladies' for $100. Because I'm for the ladies."

**This lady is two in one.**

BZZ! "Old Kai!"

"Who are all of them?!" Old Kai answered. "Two boobies in one!"

"That's the most wrong answer to anything I've ever heard, thank you. Who else wants a shot?"

BZZ! "Master Roshi!"

"The answer is Launch!" Roshi said excitedly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but you didn't phrase it in the form of a question. That question is now voided, and you lose an extra $100 along with the other $100 for that, leaving you $200 in the hole."

"Dog gone it!" Roshi yelled. "What a load of hogwash!"

Justin leaned over his podium and smirked slightly. "You know, for someone who makes it his life's mission to touch women regardless of consent, you sure do have a clean mouth."

"Have you been touchin' on my sister?" drawled 17 in a country accent. "I don't want to have to blow your brains out of the back of your fucking head."

"Android 17, there's no reason to resort to violence. Unless you don't pick another category."

"I want Ladies again for $200."

**This blonde fighter will break your arm instead of your heart.**

BZZ! "Android 17!"

"Who is Android 18, my sister?" answered 17.

"That's correct, enjoy your $200 and opportunity for another category."

"Oh, yeah, Android 18!" Roshi blurted out. "Now that's a hot one! I gotta tell you!"

17 let out an irritated growl. "Look, old man, there are few things you could say to me that would actually piss me off, but you're coming dangerously close to one of them. I recommend you pipe down before I rip off your dick with my bare hands."

Roshi did an exaggerated gulp and quieted down. Old Kai, on the other hand, was having none of that shit.

"Hahaha! Did you just say you'd rip his dick off?! I bet you'd love to get your hands on that, you little queer-lookin'-"

"Hey, hey, none of that shit in my studio," Justin sternly reprimanded. "We have a strict 'no homophobia' policy around these parts, old timer."

"That's not what queer means, you faggot! It means 'strange'!"

Justin appeared to be in deep thought for a split second, before coming back to reality. "Nope, I do not wish to continue this argument. Android 17, pick another category."

"Heel Face Turns for $300."

**Starting out as a long-haired desert bandit, this Z fighter would go on to lose almost every fight he got in.**

BZZ! BZZ! "Android 17 got it first, sorry Master Roshi."

"Who is Yamcha?"

"Very good. You have gained quite a lead over the other two. You get to pick another category."

"Heel Face Turns for $200."

"Man, you have a really confusing methodology for picking categories."

"Not really, it's just what I want off the top of my head."

**This character, though he didn't get much screen time in the actual show, is the reincarnation of the Z series' last major villain.**

BZZ! "Old Kai!"

"Who is Uub?"

"Nicely done, $200 to you. This brings you out of the hole and into the clear, Master Roshi could take lessons from you."

Roshi stuck his tongue out in childish retort. "I'll give you three guesses to where this tongue has been!"

17 once again took his own lead. "I'll give you three guesses to where that tongue is going to go if the actual answer involves my sister."

"Enough idle threats. For God's sake, there was enough of that shit on the main show. Old Kai, you now have the board."

"Where? No one's given me a damn board, and what would I want with one anyway?!"

"I meant, you can pick a category."

"More Ladies for $300!"

**This lady was the first one to guess the identity of the mysterious Great Saiyaman.**

…

"Ahh, so it looks like we have ourselves a stumper!"

Master Roshi's exaggerated snot-bubble suddenly popped, rendering him awake after a 30 second nap. "Uh, who is Videl?!"

"Correct! You are now also out of the hole, with a total of $100! It looks like this match is going to be more competitive than I thought!"

"That's right," Old Kai grinned, "this is the first time where I can honestly say that being out of the hole is a bad thing!" Then Old Kai and Roshi shared a filthy laugh together over the bad sexual joke while Justin and 17 looked on with irritation.

"17, I never thought I'd say this, especially after yesterday, but… I hope you win this one."

"I don't see how the fuck I could lose."

Justin nodded and then cleared his throat so loud it nearly ruptured a vocal cord. "Master Roshi, it's your turn to pick a category."

"Ooh! I want Ladies for $500!" Then he high-fived his new best friend, Old Kai.

**A village girl from a filler arc with both parents killed by Cell.**

…

"So no one knows this one?"

"Why the hell would anyone want to know this one?" 17 asked.

"I don't really know why, but they could. And clearly, not one of you three knows."

"How observant."

Old Kai's eyes brightened. "I'd like to filler arc, if you know what I mean!"

DING DONG! "The sound indicating the end of this round has gone off. That means it's the end of this round, and all three of you have enough money to participate in Final jeopardy. How joyful."

"These old fogies aren't going to be able to win…" 17 whispered to himself. "They don't have enough money to get past $200, so all I have to do is bet $299 or less and I win no matter what…"

"Our final category is…"

**GOHAN**

"You may now place your bets."

…

"Betting phase over. Let's have a look at the question."

**Gohan's one and only death took place because of one little boy.**

17 made a face as Master Roshi smiled with confidence beneath his bushy mustache.

"Answering phase begin!"

…

"Answering phase over! Master Roshi, why don't we start with you?"

"Sure, go on ahead!"

"Roshi, you bet…"

**$100**

"And your answer was…"

**Who is Goku?**

17 sneered. "There's no way that's the right answer!"

"Yes it is! That is correct! Congratulations, Master Roshi, you correctly assumed that I was talking about Grandpa Gohan!"

"DAMN!" screamed Old Kai. "I put down all of my money on Kid Buu! I don't even know who the hell Grandpa Gohan is!"

17 slammed his fists on the podium. "Shut up, at least you had an answer! I put down all of my money because I thought I'd know the answer for sure!"

Justin's arms crossed and he stared at the floor. "Well, I guess that settles it… Master Roshi is our new champion."

**THE END**


	21. Master Roshi Vegeta and Cell Jr

**Disclaimer: DragonSawZ, the bone-chiller torture-porn thrill fest coming at you Halloween 2012, is not owned by nedthejanitor. The only thing nedthejanitor owns are noobs. And they have to be real nooby noobs, because ned himself is by no means a pro.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"In case you haven't noticed, this is Jeopardy. I'm Jack Sophalot, and we have an especially good-"

"HAHAHA!" Roshi's shrill old man laugh cut through Justin's monologue like a razor blade through butter. "I just got your joke! Jack Sophalot! That's rich, kid! Good stuff!"

Justin beamed. "Well, thank you, I just came up with it five minutes ago. I'm glad someone at least appreciates my humor. Anyway," Justin cleared his throat, faced the camera and donned a more serious face, "since Master Roshi has already graciously introduced himself, it's time to meet our other two contestants. First, we have Vegeta…"

"Hmph," Vegeta's trademark pout/grunt made his presence known in an appropriately terse manner. Justin nodded, as if he'd seen that coming. And, let's be honest, who the fuck didn't?

"Thank you, Vegeta. Our other contestant is the one and only Cell Jr. Actually, I lied about the one and only thing. But we found who we assume is their leader, so what the fuck, let's put him on the show right?"

"Right," echoed the barely-literate Cell Jr. Yes, I know Cell Jrs were articulate in DBZ Court (shameless plug). Let's just say, for the sake of comedy, that their leader (who is not Cell himself, he's the daddy) is mostly mute. Because, fuck, how is he going to answer any questions, right?

"So, now that our corny, false-sentiment ridden introductions are behind us, let's bring focus to the category board. Look at that handsome fucking category board, people. That is some flawless fucking architecture. Let's have a hand for the nameless asshole who designed this thing, eh?"

The audience reluctantly clapped. Justin groaned and rolled his eyes. "Gee, thanks, audience. Thanks for giving me the satisfaction of a failed high-five."

Master Roshi buzzed in. Justin turned. "Yes, sir?"

"Are you high as a kite or something, boy?"

"I… well, I took about three Zzzquil the night before, I guess those are just now wearing off."

"Why on earth did you pull a stunt like that?"

"Hey, man, have you ever watched the Democratic National Convention while on Zzzquil? It's a lot like watching a washing machine if you're totally stupid. But I rest my case. Let's get on with the show. According to those pretty words on the board…"

**THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!**

**GOING OUT ON A (SEVERED) LIMB**

**THE FIRST 13 EPISODES (BECAUSE JUSTIN JUST GOT THROUGH RE-WATCHING THEM)**

**FACE HEEL TURNS**

**EYE COLORS**

TIME

"Master Roshi, since you are our returning champion, you get to have first pick of a category. These are some ripe suckers, so choose wisely."

Roshi scanned his eyes across the board. "Where in the world is the Ladies category?!"

"Uh, we already used that one last time."

"What?! That's not fair, I wanted the Ladies category! What kind of darned show is this?! Are you people sick?! I demand to speak to your manager!"

"Sir, it's either you pick one of these six categories or I pick for you, and I am going to make damn sure that I pick one where you won't know any of the answers if it comes to that point. How's it gonna be?"

Roshi growled. "I'll take stupid Eye Colors for $100."

"Stupid Eye Colors it is."

**The color a saiyan's eyes turn whenever they transform into a Super Saiyan.**

BZZ! "Vegeta."

Vegeta opened his mouth to speak, and then stopped and groaned as he remembered the question-as-answer stipulation. "What is green?"

"Correct, Vegeta."

"Oh, look, Vegeta doesn't know what colors are," Roshi snickered. "What's the matter, did you flunk out of kindergarten?"

Vegeta just rolled his eyes and grunted, not wanting to dignify the old man's taunts with a response.

"So, Vegeta, would you care to pick us out another category?"

"Severed Limbs for $500."

"Holy shit, feeling a little confident?"

A classic Vegeta smirk crept onto the saiyan prince's face. "If these questions are as 'hard' as that last one, I have no reason not to be."

**In Trunks' alternate timeline, Gohan lost this limb during his second to last attempt at facing the androids.**

BZZ! "Master Roshi!"

"What is his dick? The poor boy probably lost it in Android 18, that vixen!"

"I'm afraid that's incorrect, Master Roshi. You are five fucking hundred dollars in the hole. A dick isn't even a limb, dude."

"Speak for yourself," cackled the turtle hermit. "I lift weights with my wedding tackle."

"Yeah- you know, you should stop there. I think if you keep talking like that, our sponsors will pull their ads. All zero of them. Does no one else want a crack at this prompt?"

…

"I guess not," shrugged Justin. "Vegeta, you still have the board. Maybe, since that last prompt didn't go so well, you should try-"

"Just give me Eye Colors for $500."

"…Or you could do that, whatever."

**Super Buu's retinas changed from this color to red circles during his fight with Gotenks.**

BZZ! "Master Roshi, again."

"What is white?"

"Correct. You are now at an impressive zero dollars. Excuse me while I cut your check. Please pick another category."

"Martial arts masters don't get no respect…" Roshi said sullenly. "Give me The First 13 Episodes for $100."

**The tallest person in Emperor Pilaf's trio.**

…

"Oh, come on, Master Roshi, you MET the fucking guys in the first few episodes."

"What is this 'episode' bullshit you're talking about?"

"…Never mind. Anyway, let's-"

DING DING! The sound indicating time for Final Jeopardy went off.

"It's time for Final Jeopardy and… Vegeta is the only one who has any money to bet with. So, it looks like our new champion is Vegeta."

"Oh, come on!" Roshi whined. "I've only been champion for one episode!"

"Relax, man. We're going to have a Champion's Gauntlet on the 25th episode."

"What the hell is that?"

"It's where all of the previous champions will gather together for one huge trivia showdown. That means it'll be the only episode that has more than just three dumb contestants."

**THE END**


	22. Vegeta Turtle and Android 19

**Disclaimer: Krakenball Z, the horrible rape anime where the entire Dragonball Z cast is raped by giant squids for about two hours, is coming soon to a theater full of red-hot sweaty nerds who are also coming soon, if you know what I mean. I am thankful to say that nedthejanitor has nothing to do with it.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"This is Mike Rotch, reporting live from the set of DBZ Jeopardy," Justin said with his left hand up to his ear, doing a mock reporter voice. "It looks like today is going to be another extraordinary battle of wits. Let me introduce the contestants before we go further down that train of thought. First off, our returning champion Vegeta stands behind his podium on the left, closest to the host himself, and he is looking particularly-"

"Doesn't this show have enough stupid, annoying gimmicks already?!" Vegeta barked.

"…Kill joy," muttered Justin in his normal voice. "Anyway, now that Vegeta the Killjoy has introduced himself for us, let's have a gander at the other two contestants. We have Android 19…"

19 nodded his head, as if to say, "yeah, that's me." It's good that he did that, too, because he looks so much like everyone else around him. Really, such an average looking gentleman.

"…and we have- you aren't fucking going to believe this- we have Master Roshi's goddamned turtle."

"I find it rather rude that you introduced me like that," the turtle said slowly (as if there were any other way for him to say something). Everyone took note of the fact that the turtle was laid precariously on top of the podium and a stack of books to hold his bottom half.

"Well, I'm sorry, but Jesus fucking Christ, out of the entire pantheon of Dragonball and Dragonball Z characters, we're having to resort to these obscure bit characters! We can't even get actual people to appear on the show anymore! An android and a turtle, that's all!"

"I was a person once," came 19's hirsute voice from the center, "but then I became the most powerful-"

"-piece of junk that ever lived in delusion," Vegeta finished. "Honestly, android, give me just one good reason and I'll-"

"Okay, okay, okay! Sorry I even brought it up. It's time to see the board."

**THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!**

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS**

**FACE HEEL TURNS**

**ALL THE TRAINING. ALL OF IT.**

**LAST APPEARANCES**

TIME

"Vegeta, the first pickins are yours."

"Training, $100."

"Shouldn't have even bothered asking."

**The strange genie creature that watched Goku as he grew from child to adult.**

BZZ! "Roshi's fucking turtle!"

Roshi's fucking turtle shrugged off Justin's rude behavior as well as a turtle could. "Who is Mr. Popo?"

"Correct, that gives you $100 and control of the board, and that gives me the amusement of seeing Vegeta bested by a turtle."

"Blast you, turtle!"

The turtle gave no shits about Vegeta's rebuke of him, and picked his category. "How about Time for $100?"

"It's about TIME you picked a category! Ho ho!" Justin slapped his own knee for emphasis. "I amuse me… ***ahem*** so, yes, here's the prompt."

**The amount of time given to the Z warriors to prepare for the Cell Games.**

BZZ! "Vegeta!"

"What is ten days?"

"That is correct! Vegeta has regained control of the board and matched the turtle's score! So, shit, at least he's as smart as a turtle!"

Vegeta growled. "He is beginning to annoy me," he said under his breath, to which the turtle nodded in agreement. "I want Training for $200."

"Woo hoo."

**Master Roshi makes his students wear these items, which can weigh up to 100 pounds.**

BZZ! "Turtle!"

"What are turtle shells?"

"Good job! You've really been lucking out with these training questions, which just makes me wonder if maybe Vegeta should consider picking a different category every now and again."

"If these questions pertained to any meaningful training, I'd be ahead right now, you buffoon!" Vegeta ranted. "Right now, all you're talking about is Kakarot's stupid childhood training! He couldn't even keep up with Raditz after several years of that worthless bullshit!"

"Whoa, man, calm down. It's only a g-"

"A GAME THAT I'M LOSING TO A TURTLE!"

"…Good point. You're stupid."

Android 19 let out an annoying giggle while Vegeta's face threatened to turn beet red and the turtle just shook his head. _"I knew I should have appeared on DBZ Millionaire instead."_

"Turtle! You have control of the board!"

"I refuse to pick a category until you stop making fun of me being a turtle," the animal stated emphatically.

"Oh, come on, really?" Justin whined. "Geez, I can never have any fun. Fine, I'm sorry, I'm an asshole. You're actually doing pretty well, if that's any consolation. Now, please, pick a category."

Turtle smiled, satisfied. "I guess I'll take Time again, for $200."

**When Trunks came back from the future the first time, he said the androids would be arriving in this amount of time.**

BZZ! "Vegeta!"

"What is three years?"

"What is three years, indeed, in the grand scheme of things? You are correct! This match has been a constant back and forth so far, I must say. Or must I? Vegeta, there's time for one more prompt before Final Jeopardy, so get to pickin'."

"Training for $300."

"Haven't had enough losing yet, eh?"

**The amount of time the Z Warriors spent training for the androids.**

BZZ! "Vegeta."

"What is three years?" Vegeta said, extra smugly.

"That is not even close to being fair," the turtle protested. "That was almost the exact same prompt as the last one!"

"Yeah, I know, our question guys are kind of lazy," Justin said sympathetically, "but we don't have time to debate over that, because it's time for Final Jeopardy. Android 19, get the fuck out."

"But… okay, fine," the turtle gave up.

"Alright, now why don't we take a look at the category for Final Jeopardy? The category is…"

**PERFECT CELL**

"Let the betting begin."

…

"Betting phase over! Let' shave a look at our Final Jeopardy Final Prompt, finally."

**The first character to fight against Perfect Cell… and lose.**

"Let the answering…"

Before Justin could finish his sentence, Vegeta quietly left the room, leaving only the confused turtle.

"…Not begin. Since Vegeta just up and fucking left, our new champion… I can't fucking believe I'm saying this… our new champion is Roshi's turtle."

**THE END**


	23. Turtle Piccolo and Yajirobe

**Disclaimer: Jraginbawlzee is brought to you by the Council for the Encouragement of Phonetic Spelling. Please visit CEPS, or one of its sister organizations, BICEPS and TRICEPS, at your nearest convenience.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Good day to you all. This is Jeopardy and I am Amanda Huginkiss. Today is going to be a friggin' amazing show, because we have three contestants instead of the usual three. Mmhmm. Let's introduce them. First, we have the aptly-named Turtle."

Turtle smiled and waved to the small adulation of the crowd.

"So, turtle," Justin began as he leaned over his desk, "I have to ask; is that really your name? Because your parents were really fucking lazy if it is."

"N-no, it's not my real name," the turtle said back, aghast, "I don't remember what my real name is, though…"

"Well, ain't that shite? Why don't we get to the other two contestants? This man here in the center is Pi-"

"My name is Junior, you dunce!" Piccolo barked in a hushed tone, despite being mic'd so that everyone in the room could hear his so much as breathe hard.

"…Sorry, Junior," Justin said, "it's just that… I can't really get used to calling that. It's really incredibly unfitting."

"I've heard it a million times before."

"Well, now you've heard it a million and one. Finally, our third contestant is Raditz Jr."

"My name's Yajirobe, you dick!" the bloated man shouted just above the podium. "I have my name written down right in front of you! What are you, stupid?"

"Yes. I'm stupid and obese and I have long, black hair and my name's Yajirobe," Justin said simply.

"Fine. Just as long as you don't forget it- HEY, wait a minute!"

"Too late. No givesies backsies on punishing burns, motherfucker. Now how you gonna act?"

"You're weird."

"Point duly noted. Let's have a look at the board."

**THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!**

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS**

**FACE HEEL TURNS**

**THE RED RIBBON ARMY**

**LAST APPEARANCES**

THE EYES HAVE IT

"Turtle, if you please."

"I want Think About the Children for $100."

**The multiple children of one of the major villains.**

BZZ! "Pic- Junior!"

"What are the Cell Jrs?" Piccolo answered gruffly.

"That is correct. Enjoy your $100, you member of the 53%, you. Have a pick at the board."

Piccolo looked at the board silently, as if expecting a category he liked and/or wasn't embarrassed to say out loud to pop up. Finally, a look on his face that seemed to scream out "fuck it" appeared.

"Just give me Last Appearances for $100."

**The monster that killed Android 16 in the android's final appearance.**

BZZ! "Pic- Junior!"

"Who is Cell?" Piccolo answered again. "And would you make at least a rudimentary attempt at getting my name correct?"

"I'm sorry," whined Justin, "it's just that your real name fits you so much better, whereas Junior is like trying to wear a kid's t-shirt as a grown man. Why do you want to be called that so badly anyway?"

"Because my other name has a certain reputation tied to it that I'd rather people not bring up again."

"…Eh, your loss. Let's do another category, then."

"Last Appearances again, this time for $300."

**Up until the end of the Buu Saga, the character Launch appeared while Goku was in the middle of fighting this deadly opponent.**

…

"Ahh, this one seems to have stumped you all. Perhaps Pi- Junior should not have skipped over the $200 option."

Piccolo balled up his fist, but said nothing of Justin's newest near-failure at getting his other name correctly.

BZZ! "Yajirobe?"

"Who is Vegeta?" Yajirobe guessed, sounding uncertain.

"Ahh, that is correct!" Justin said.

"Whoa, shit, really?" Yajirobe asked in surprise. "That was a total shot in the dark."

"Well, you just proved that aiming's for pussies. Now you get to pick a category."

"What the hell does Face Heel Turns mean?"

"I was wondering about that myself, actually," Piccolo joined in.

"Yeah, me too!" Turtle chimed in.

"Okay, fine. Basically, a Face Heel Turn is when a character goes from being a good guy to a bad guy. Does that provide a satisfactory answer?"

"Uh… yeah, I guess so," Yajirobe said, sounding still a little uncertain about it. "I think I'll take that for $100."

**This martial arts master experienced a Face Heel Turn after the disappearance of his Master Mutaito. **

BZZ! "Turtle!"

"Who is the Crane Hermit?" Turtle answered confidently.

"Nicely done, turtle," Justin exclaimed. "For the first time in quite a long while, all three of our contenders have some money. It's getting close to the final round. so time will tell which of our brave contestants will take home the gauntlet. Join us for the next exciting episode of-"

"Hey, Turtle's ready to pick his category now if you're ready to quit acting all douche-y and weird," Yajirobe rudely interrupted.

"Oh, fine. Turtle, pick your dumb wiener category. I never get to do my DBZ announcer impression…"

"Okay. I think I want Think About the Children again for $200."

"You sure do like thinking about children, turtle. Is there something you aren't telling us?"

"N-n-n-n-no!" Turtle stammered, raising his front flippers in defense.

"Relax, I'm just fucking with you."

Yajirobe jumped in. "That's disgusting. You inappropriate piece of shit."

"Whatevs."

**This boy, who at the beginning of Z was only half the age that his father was during the beginning of the first series, one of the most powerful warriors on earth.**

BZZ! "Yes, Pi- Junior?"

"Who is Gohan?" answered Piccolo with a tinge of pride, enough to ignore Justin's near-miss with his name.

"Very correct." DING DING! "And that sound means it's time for Final Jeopardy! To recap, Turtle has $100, Junior has $400, and Yajirobe has $300. All pretty small scores, but that only means this round is going to be tense and close! Our final category is…"

**FRIEZA'S FINISHING MOVES**

Piccolo smirked. He was the only one among the three contestants who even saw Frieza in person.

"You may begin betting."

….

"Okay, stop betting. It's prompt time."

**The finishing move that Frieza accidentally used on himself.**

"You may start answering."

…

"Alright, enough of that tomfoolery. Let's have a look. Yajirobe, you wagered…"

**$1**

"Goddamn, Yajirobe, you fucking ponce. Your answer was…"

**Some beam shit, fuck I donno**

"That's a rather cumbersome name for an attack move-"

"Shut up, jerk! I know I lost, so just move on to stupid Piccolo!"

Piccolo grabbed Yajirobe by the hair.

"OW OW OW! JUNIOR, I MEANT JUNIOR!"

Piccolo set Yajirobe back down. Justin gulped, making sure to remember to call Piccolo by his "proper" name.

"Junior, you wagered…"

**$400**

"And you wrote down… nothing. What happened, man?"

"I was confident that I knew the answer. But I didn't."

"…Well, okay. Sorry to hear that. But, moreso, I'm sorry that Yajirobe managed to beat you. Turtle, you wagered…"

**$50**

"Another fuckin' wussy bet. Come on, man, take a little risk! Anyway, you guessed…"

**What is the Kienzan disk? **

"Wow, you got that right. How on earth did you even know…?"

"I have my sources, You'd rather not have me elaborate further."

Justin backed away a little. "That's cool, bro. Anyway, I'm sorry to say that, even though you were the only one to get the right answer, you still have less money than Yajirobe. Therefore, that makes him the new champion."

"WHAT?!" yelled Yajirobe. "You mean I have to show up here again?! This stinks-"

**THE END**


	24. Yajirobe Janemba and Launch

**Disclaimer: Chagrinball Z is brought to you, not by nedthejanitor, but by the Frustration Coping Committee, or the FCC. Don't get them confused with the other FCC. That frustrates them too.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Hello, and welcome to Jeopardy. I'm Skeet Mawfucka, and we have one rousing show ahead of us today. Our contestants are as follows: returning champion Yajirobe… who is currently eating an entire turkey dinner."

"It's the only way I was going to come back and do this dumb show again," Yajirobe said through a mouthful of dressin'.

"Charming. Nextly, we've got Launch, or Lunch, if you want to sound like an even bigger fucking moron."

Launch, the blue-haired version, giggled. "It sure is great to be here!" The men in the audience, or at least the ones who weren't dickless like Piccolo or asexual like Chiaotzu, could not help but be transfixed by Launch's cuteness.

"All of the members of the audience will be pleased to know that we have a sneeze guard watching our second contestant like a hawk, because like hell I'm going to have my studio shot up by some crazy bandit when I can have something spectacular happen to it, like an emergency spirit bomb… Goku, I'm looking at you." But Goku was too busy eating forty hot pretzels to give two shits about anything else except taking two shits upon his return home.

"So, anyway, our third contestant is this sunburned asshole, I don't know his name-"

"My name is Janemba," growled none other than Janemba. "I will have no insolence."

"Uh oh, looks like it's time for babby villain's first empty threat," Justin laughed. "Dude, it's cute that you're pretending to be a real bad guy, but… you can stop. You're among friends here."

"I have no need for friends."

"Ahh, I see you're an aspiring Yu-Gi-Oh villain as well. Let me know how that goes. Let's take a look at today's categories, in the meantime."

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK**

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS**

**MAJINS**

**THE RED RIBBON ARMY**

**GOKU IN THE NICK OF TIME**

THE EYES HAVE IT

"Yajirobe, as soon as you get all of that shit in your mouth swallowed, go ahead and pick one of these ripe-looking categories."

Yajirobe fumed, and let our brave host have it after he got done swallowing (get your mind out of the gutter). "It's not shit, it's turkey!"

"If it's in your mouth, it's shit to everyone who isn't you. Pick a category before I pick for you-"

"Oh, no," Launch exclaimed in a rushed voice, "I'm about to sneeze for absolutely no reason again- AAA-"

But before Launch could get the magic "choo" out, Nappa came up from a secret door behind her and let out a fierce yell, scaring the sneeze- and almost the shit- out of the bluenette. You see that word "bluenette" there? I found it in a DBZ porn fanfic. That's right, I read DBZ porn fanfiction. Aren't I awesome? (no, but seriously, that shit cray)

"I want Goku in the Nick of Time for $100."

**This evil character was ready to finish off Tien when Goku showed up to save the day.**

BZZ! "Launch!"

"Who is Junior?" Launch answered.

"That's… well, I'm sorry, that's incorrect, Launch." Justin said somewhat sympathetically, just because he knew how close she was.

"Um, actually, no. It was Junior."

"No, it was- I can't say who it was, but that's not who it was."

"Nuh uh!"

The buzzer rang, finally freeing up Justin's ability to tell her the correct answer. "No, Launch, it was King Piccolo. Junior is King Piccolo's son."

"No, Junior is King Piccolo's essence reborn into an egg. I'm sorry, but I got the right answer."

"Okay, one, since when the hell did you become so assertive? It's like I'm fighting with your alter ego or something. Two, Junior is not King Piccolo. King Piccolo fucking spit Junior out of him in egg form before exploding. How could he be inside that egg when he was still alive outside of it long enough to make idle revenge threats toward Goku and then explode? Answer me that, smarty britches." Justin put his hands on his hips to illustrate his impatience with Launch.

"Um, well, okay." Launch twiddled her thumbs. "They have to both be the same entity, otherwise how would Junior possibly had all of the knowledge about Goku that he had? Also, Kami himself said that the egg that King Piccolo spit out-"

"See, just the fact that you have to differentiate 'King Piccolo' and 'Junior' proves they aren't the same entity."

"Okay, Sean Hannity, just let me finish without interruption," Launch said sarcastically, a trait that was so out of character for the girl that Justin could only face-fault slightly while Yajirobe had a laughing fit at the comparison. "Kami said that the egg Piccolo spit out was a physical manifestation of himself, which is precisely why Piccolo exploded almost as soon as he spit out the egg; it wouldn't have made sense otherwise, Piccolo should have just fallen dead out of the sky like any other Namek- or heck, like any other character in the show except for the androids."

"I have to take exception to that last part. Nappa exploded when Vegeta blew him up the first time, and Chiaotzu exploded as well."

"But Nappa was hit by an energy attack and Chiaotzu just blew himself up to kill Nappa."

"Wait, how in the fuck do you even know about that? Your blonde counterpart was drinking herself silly in a bar while that entire fight was happening."

"Hey, if a show has you in it, aren't you going to watch it?"

"Fair point. But, hey, listen, I tell you what, since you've gone ahead and argued your point so strongly, I'll go ahead and award you the $100. But next time I'm not going to be so lenient, so make sure you're certain you unequivocally have the right answer before you buzz in. 'Kay, there?"

"Okay. Sorry I called you Sean Hannity earlier."

"I'm not sorry for laughing," Yajirobe hopped in, "That shit was hilarious. For once, I'm glad Korin Tower gets Fox News and that stupid cat watches it all the time."

"That's interesting. Anyway, Launch, go ahead and pick another cat-"

DING DING! The sound signaling the end of the round played.

"…Or not. It looks like Launch is the winner of this round of DBZ Jeopardy!"

"WHAT?!" screamed Yajirobe. "Are you kidding me?! That chick gets to be the winner just because she answered one question?!"

"Well, yes. That's how it works. We don't get infinite time on this show."

"The only freaking reason that Launch won in the first place is because you spent the entire show debating with her about King Piccolo!"

But it was too late. Everyone in the room was gone except for Yajirobe and Janemba.

"…If it's any consolation, I thought your speech was really moving, Yajirobe," said Janemba.

**THE END**


	25. THE GAUNTLET

**Disclaimer: There will be no disclaimer for this, the second most important chapter of Praguenball Z (the popular Travel Channel series about Goku's tour of the Czech Republic that is not affiliated with nedthejanitor) Jeopardy.**

_THIS… IS… FUCKING… JEOPARDY BITCHES!_

"Welcome to fucking Jeopardy, bitches and mitches," Justin said as he adjusted his cheap-fuck sunglasses with his hand just barely poking out through the sleeve of his oversized leather jacket. "'Bitches and mitches' is my cool guy version of 'ladies and gentlemen.' The reason coolness is emphasized even more so than usual today is because this is a very special episode celebrating the halfway mark of this great show!"

Justin received a tepid smattering of applause. And by tepid smattering, I mean some camera guy clapped a little. "Thank you, enjoy your pay raise. Anyway, you viewers in the audience may have noticed by now the difference between a typical game on this show and the game you're looking at right now. Viewers at home can't see that right now. What do you think of that, viewers at home? That's what you get for the hate mail. Fuck you."

The viewership at home was barely at all offended, partially because there were almost none of them left and the ones who were still watching were already so masochistic that they had jumper cables on their nipples hooked up to a battery programmed to shock them every time Justin said a cuss. But, let's save that for the podcast.

"So, after that derail, let's introduce the teams! First up, we have our first three returning champions: Dr. Gero, South Kai and Gohan. These three make up Team Saiyaman!"

"Don't blame us," grumbled Dr. Gero after a brief, pathetic round of applause.

"Yeah, he made us take that name," South Kai added while pointing his thumb at Gohan, who was still smiling away at the camera like a Hollywood starlet.

"Don't feel too bad; the other two names aren't much less embarrassing," Justin noted. "Speaking of that, our second team, consisting of Android 17, Master Roshi and Vegeta, is called Team Saiyan. So, you know, the name is about one third accurate."

"The strongest man decides the name, as those two well know," Vegeta reported. 17 and Roshi just sort of bowed their heads in shame and defeat.

"And, finally, on our third team, we have Turtle, Yajirobe and the now-blonde Launch. Please give a hearty welcome to Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp."

"I named the team," proudly boasted Yajirobe. If Turtle and Launch holding respective expressions of shame and rage didn't clue anyone in, they didn't have much stock in the naming process. In fact, Launch went blonde just seconds after the team name was set in stone, and boy, did she want to throttle her blue half for getting her involved in a situation where someone could say about her, "She is a member of Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp."

"Well, enough wasting time," Justin said, "it's time to get started. Today, we have our usual six categories with five prompts apiece that increase in difficulty as one goes from $100 to $500. But, here's where the game gets interesting, and by interesting, I mean really fucking long. Today, the network agreed to give us a large slot, like an entire evening, so basically there isn't going to be Final Jeopardy until this entire board is emptied."

"…Oh… shit," muttered one cameraman.

"That's not all; Final Jeopardy is going to be played by the members of the team with the largest score by the end of the first round, assuming that at least one person isn't in the negatives by the end, which is pretty goddamn likely. Everyone gets one buzzer, so if you think you know the answer but aren't completely sure, just know that you buzzing in is going to put your teammates in harm's way as well.

"And with that, let's get started. Today, the categories are…"

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK**

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS**

**MAJINS**

**THE RED RIBBON ARMY**

**FUN WITH SWORDS**

**THE EYES HAVE IT**

"Let's get this shit show on the road," Justin said as he cracked his knuckles. "Now, since Dr. Gero of Team Saiyaman was champion for the longest amount of time, he gets first pick of the board."

"Only a few of my many continued victories that I will have on this show now that I am back," boasted the Doctor. "I want The Red Ribbon Army for $500."

"Okay, who all saw that one coming?" Justin asked the audience. "Raise your hands if so."

Virtually every sentient being, as well as most of the non-sentient beings in the audience, raised their hands.

"Oh, good, you've all discerned where my obvious advantage lies," said General Tao- er, I mean, Dr. Gero (it's because they have the same goddamn voice actor), "you should all feel very special. Just give me my prompt."

"Ooh, someone's a grumpy Gus."

Vegeta snapped, the first of what would surely be many times. "Would you two ridiculous fools quit having a sarcasm contest and get on with the show?! You are all wasting my valuable time!"

**This was the one higher-ranking officer of the Red Ribbon Army who managed to escape Goku's attack on the main headquarters.**

BZZ! "Dr. Gero!"

"Who is Colonel Violet?" Dr. Gero answered.

**Team Saiyaman: $500  
Team Saiyan: $0  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $0**

"Correct. We also would have accepted Captain Violet."

"It's a good thing I kept tabs on all the officers in the army…"

"You mean all the female members, right, doc?" Android 17 said accusingly.

"Shut your insolent mouth, 17!"

"Dr. Gero, why don't you shut your insolent mouth and pick a category, not necessarily in that order?"

"Fine, Red Ribbon Army for $400."

**The only non-human ranking officer of the Red Ribbon Army.**

…

"Oh, good, we have our first stumper of the game, and it's only the second prompt!"

"What do you expect when you have a category that almost no one actually knows any details about?" the Turtle pointed out helpfully.

"I'm hearing a whole lot of you whining and not a whole lot of this prompt being answered." DING! "And, oh, we're out of time anyway. The answer, just for the curious, is Captain Yellow."

Dr. Gero suddenly snapped into action. "What about Major Metallitron? He was a major in the army, and he was a robot! I remember, he was my first one! I built him from a series of cheap toasters!"

"Well… maybe you have a point," Justin puzzled, "I just thought 'major' was a part of his name, like he's a MAJOR Metallitron, as opposed to a minor one or something."

"That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard," said everyone else in his or her heads at the exact same time as Dr. Gero said it out loud.

"Well, look, okay, the question was slightly misleading," Justin surrendered, "What do you expect me to do? Even if the answer would have been Major Metallitron, no one figured it out until after the question was long past being answerable. So let's just let it go. Gero, category time."

"Is that anything like Goofy time?"

"Did you just reference a fucking internet meme?"

"What do you think I'm doing in my spare time?" Dr. Gero growled. "Doing push-ups?"

"I would have guessed that before I guessed anything involving Internet memes. Whatever, I don't care, just pick a fucking category so we can get on with the longest episode of this show to date, which now that I'm actually experiencing it, might not be such a hot idea after all."

"Red Ribbon Army for $300."

"Androids are so much like computers; predictable."

"Hey!" 17 and Gero yelled at the same time.

"Relax, that's a compliment."

"No, it was not," Gero said back.

**Mercenary Tao proved his worthiness to serve the Red Ribbon Army by quickly and easily killing this high-ranking soldier.**

…

"Another stumper?" Justin smirked. "I guess we just make these questions a little too hard for you poor blockheads, eh-"

BZZ! "Master Roshi?!"

"Who is General Blue," Roshi said in triumph.

**Team Saiyaman: $500  
Team Saiyan: $300  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $0**

"What the- holy shit, that's correct!" Justin said in astonishment. "How did you even know that?!"

Roshi's own face went from determined triumph to amazement. "I got that right?! I just guessed the only name from the army I knew, I didn't-"

A very light slap to the back of the head interrupted Roshi and nearly sent him flying over the podium. "You idiot," yelled Vegeta, "you mean you just put our score in danger by taking a completely uneducated guess?!"

"It was a very educated guess, you doof- uh, you p-prince of all saiyans, you!" Roshi came right back, albeit reluctantly. "It's a better guess than you would have taken!"

"Do you have any idea how many high-ranking officers are in a fucking army?!" Vegeta screamed. "You only knew one of them, and it could have been any of them! Next time, think about it a little more before you decide to shout an answer you aren't certain about!"

"Why do you care so much, anyway?!"

"Because I'm not going to lose a trivia competition against Kakarot's son!"

"I thought you realized a long time ago you couldn't beat Goku!"

Vegeta said nothing in that moment that his raised fist wasn't saying to Roshi's face as it hovered tremblingly. Justin was amused, to be certain, but didn't want a horrible incident to break out. "Okay, guys, you've had your fun, now that's enough. Roshi, in any case, you have the board. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to goad you in one particular direction, but I'm cutting off your dick if you pick Red Ribbon Army, so no pressure."

"Someone's going to have to pick Red Ribbon Army a couple more times, so what does it matter?" Dr. Gero asked.

"Look, I just want a fucking break from it. Roshi, category, now."

"All of these categories suck," Roshi whined, "could you have picked a worse set of categories for this?"

Justin sighed, shook his head and ducked behind his podium. Seconds later, he rose back up with a megaphone and Roshi instantly regretted not picking a category.

"ROSHI, I AM GOING TO RIP OFF MY BALLS AND WRING THEM OUT INTO YOUR OPEN MOUTH IF YOU DON'T PICK A CHRISTFUCKING CATEGORY NOW!"

"The Goddamn Pigs for $100!" Roshi screamed back.

**One of Goku's earliest friends named after a certain type of tea.**

Before Vegeta had time to make a guess, he was rendered unable to utilize the millisecond of time afforded to him before Gohan from Team Saiyaman hopped on the stick and got cracking.

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"Who is Oolong?" answered Gohan.

**Team Saiyaman: $600  
Team Saiyan: $300  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $0**

"Good job, Gohan, you just netted your team an even bigger lead! Just to recap: Team Saiyaman now has $600, Team Saiyan has $300, and Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp is in last place with $0. Now, I am unpleased to introduce you all to a first for this show; COMMERCIALS!" Justin made a point to visibly cringe as he said the last word. "We'll be right back after these messages!"

()()()

_Have you ever lost a loved one… to a heart virus?  
_

"_My dad is one of the strongest guys- no, THE strongest guy I've ever known. But, that virus… nothing could have ever stopped that."_

"_If only that fool Kakarot had trained at 101 times normal gravity! Surely, he would have lived on!"_

_Well, now there's hope for people like Goku… er, Kakarot. We still aren't clear on what his "real" name is, but for men and women afflicted with this horrible illness, there's Viraloma._

()()()

"And we're back! Gohan, you're in the lead, so you can pick a category! But first, let's give the viewers another look at the board, to remind them where we're at."

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK **

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS **

**MAJINS**

**THE RED RIBBON ARMY **

**FUN WITH SWORDS**

**THE EYES HAVE IT**

"Alright, now, with that out of the way, let's get this show on the road, Gohan."

"I want Fun With Swords for $100, please!"

**A sword killed Frieza, and it belonged to this Super Saiyan.**

BZZ! "Vegeta!"

Vegeta showed off why his smirk training classes at a young age paid off with a delectable shit-eating smirk. "Who is Trunks, my son?"

**Team Saiyaman: $600  
Team Saiyan: $400  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $0**

"That's correct, Vegeta," Justin said, "although adding 'my son' there to the end tempted me to be really picky."

"Hold on," Gohan protested, "the Trunks that killed Frieza was from the future timeline. The Vegeta that answered that question is from the present timeline, yet he specified him as HIS son. Wouldn't that mean Vegeta got the question wrong, since he was referring to Present Trunks instead of Future Trunks?"

Justin thought about it for a little while. To be specific, about five seconds. "I think… that since we all know who Vegeta actually meant, we can safely give the points to him. It doesn't really matter what timeline he's from, Vegeta is Vegeta and Trunks is Trunks."

"But they've both experienced different timelines, doesn't that make them different people?"

"Quiet, you fool," Vegeta said angrily, "face it; you lost!"

"Yeah, I'm still going to go with Vegeta here. He knew the answer, regardless of how he qualified it, so I'm giving it to him. This brings Team Saiyan up to $400, catching up to Team Saiyaman. Vegeta, you get to pick a category."

Vegeta stared at the board. "Ugh… I'll take The Eyes Have It for $300." Yajirobe started cracking up.

"What are you laughing at, lard ass?" Vegeta hollered.

"The way you said the category name," Yajirobe said in between giggles.

"Yeah, you kind of said it like you were spitting out a worm or something," Justin observed helpfully.

"Well, it's your fault that these category names are so blasted idiotic! Just get to the damn question!"

**This powerful B-tier Z fighter is known for having three eyes.**

BZZ! "Yajirobe!"

"Who is Yajirobe?"

**Team Saiyaman: $600  
Team Saiyan: $400  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$300**

"I'm sorry, not only is that incorrect, it's obvious that you set me up for a joke," Justin said tiredly. "So, let's out with it right now, come on."

Yajirobe was taken aback that Justin headed his delivery off at the pass, but he bravely soldiered on in spite of that. "Uh… you say I only have two eyes, but… you haven't seen my one-eyed wonder weasel yet! Heh!"

Almost utter silence. The only person laughing was Oolong, and he wasn't even laughing at the joke, but instead something off his iPhone.

"Great. I sure am glad we took time out of our busy schedule to hear that gem. Your team just lost $300 too, which was $300 that your team didn't even have to lose, and Launch is pissed off."

Yajirobe gulped and turned his head over to look at Launch, who was about to LAUNCH a grenade launcher payload right into his fucking face. Turtle shrieked and withdrew into his shell. "Got any last requests, fat boy?! You get just one!"

"Uh, yeah, could you snort this packet?" Yajirobe pulled a packet of pepper out of his pocket. Say that sentence ("Packet of pepper out of his pocket.") five times really fast.

Launch looked at the pepper packet and huffed. "No way, I'm not falling for that stupid trick!"

"Whoa, now hold on, Launch," Justin interrupted. "You asked the man if he had any last requests, and you said he'd get it. You can't turn your back on that. Besides, if you shoot that grenade launcher and blow up the podium, it's coming out of your prize money."

"Damn it!" Launch tantrumed and tossed the grenade launcher over her shoulder, scaring the living shit out of all of the staff people backstage. All none of them. Then she grabbed the pepper out of Yajirobe's hand and _poured _it entirely into her left nostril. Not only did she sneeze several times, she also choked and fell unconscious. And she even fell unconscious as the blonde Launch, rendering Yajirobe's entire gambit nearly completely pointless.

"Okay, could someone resuscitate Launch so we can get back to the fucking game?" Justin asked the audience, making his increasing impatience and frustration with the direction of the fucking game clear, with a picket sign held aloft that said, "I AM FRUSTRATED AND IMPATIENT WITH THE DIRECTION OF THE FUCKING GAME."

"I can give her a senzu bean," said Goku from the audience, "but I'd have to go to Korin's Tower to get it!"

"Well, go ahead and do it. I'll put on a commercial in the meantime."

()()()

_DON'T YOU CHANGE THAT CHANNEL WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THIS SPECIAL OFFER!_

"_Have you ever wanted to beat the shit out of some stupid fucking worthless-" Vegeta's voiceover began before a light whisper from across the room, followed by a brief, heated argument and an even more brief snippet of Spanish Flea by Herb Albert played over a "Technical Difficulties" screen, caused Vegeta to start the commercial over on a more down-to-earth note._

"_Have you ever wanted to deliver a beating to someone who just kept getting stronger than you? Well, I'm Vegeta, and I have bad news. You'll never be able to get strong unless you take some drastic measures. And by drastic measures, I mean you have to be a Saiyan, then you have to get blasted through the stomach, then you have to have a small, green alien child come heal you. And even then, sometimes, it won't help. So, basically what I'm saying is, if you aren't me, just give up. You'll never be as good."_

()()()

The show comes back on, revealing Justin laughing at Tien's restraining of Master Roshi after his attempt at giving Launch some rape- erm, CPR, as Master Roshi.

"I'm just trying to be a good sport and help somebody from the other team! Let me alone, Tien, I am your master!"

"Goku… we need you…" Krillin said solemnly, repeating what is probably one of his most oft-used lines in the series, as he wondered when Goku was going to arrive back with the beans. Two seconds later, Goku arrived back with the beans.

"I'm back with the beans," said Goku, the three beans that he came back with clutched in his super saiyan hand, by some miracle not spontaneously combusting just from being in contact with Goku's skin. "I got a couple more than necessary because I thought they'd be needed later, after all, Vegeta's in the game right now!"

Vegeta gave the smirk that he gave any time someone acknowledged his love of killing, and I think you all know the one I'm talking about.

Goku flew down close to Launch, kneeling right beside her and tenderly placing a senzu bean into Launch's open mouth. Tien got a chill up his spine, the one that told him, in essence, "Another man is putting his finger in or close to your girl's mouth, and you may not have ridden that horse yet, you have the saddle and you can take it out of the barn any time you wanted… unless this mystery man comes and takes it away!"

"Goku!" Tien yelled out, but it was too late! Goku's senzu bean had already done the trick on her! She sneezed a few more times, and the sneeze roulette landed her on blue, thankfully.

"Alright, very good. We have now wasted a significant chunk of time helping a woman get over a pepper overdose. I could never have seen myself sink to such a low. Anyway, that last question has expired, the correct answer was Tien."

"Aww, nerts!" Launch huffed. "I would have guessed that!"

"Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you were on the same team with Yajirobe," Justin said, and before Launch could retaliate in any form he had already moved on to the next question. "Vegeta, I don't know if you remember since it was about forty-five fucking minutes or years ago, give or take, but you still have control of the board. So go ahead and pick out another catty-gory after this quick recap."

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK **

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS**

**MAJINS**

**THE RED RIBBON ARMY**

**FUN WITH SWORDS **

**THE EYES HAVE IT **

"Okay, Vegeta, your call."

"The Eyes Have It for $400."

**This weakest member of the Ginyu Force had 4 eyes.**

BZZ! "Vegeta of Team Saiyan!"

"Who is Guldo?"

**Team Saiyaman: $600  
Team Saiyan: $800  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$300**

"Correct. That's an additional $400 to Team Vegeta's score, bringing them on up to $800 and more than matching Team Saiyaman's current score of $300. Pick another category."

"The Eyes Have It for $500."

**This Android used his laser eyes to lay waste to this city.**

BZZ! "Master Roshi!"

"Why, that would be South City!" Roshi said, only to have a serious fucking gaze leveled on him by his teammates.

**Team Saiyaman: $600  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$300**

"Wh-what?" Roshi yelled when he saw Vegeta's eyes burrowing into his soul.

"What?!" Vegeta snarled as he made the hasty decision of grabbing his partner's collar and lifting him off the ground, "YOU ASK ME WHAT?! YOU ARE A FUCKING RETARD, THAT'S WHAT!"

"Hey, Vegeta, let's put the old man down, shall we?" Justin tried to ask nonchalantly, but his own fear was given away through the occasional shake in his voice. "No manhandling your partner."

"Old man, do you understand what you have done," Vegeta continued as he shook Roshi and completely ignored Justin's call for civility. "You have cost our team all of the PROGRESS I JUST MADE! $500!"

It was at this point that Justin was faced with a conundrum- the kind that a person usually faces with a significant other. Does he want to be right, but escalate the whole messy situation even further, or would it be better for everyone involved if he just kept his mouth shut and gave Vegeta time to cool off?

Unfortunately, Justin's drive to be right drove home with the gold.

"Vegeta, actually… there's a rule that you lose an additional $100 if a question isn't properly answered. So, uh… you actually, uhm, lost $600."

Vegeta looked at Justin with a face full of confusion and hate. It was as if his brain needed a second to work through the sheer white-hot fury that Justin had just deposited into it. His head slowly creaked away from Justin and toward Master Roshi, who by this point had almost given up with getting out of Vegeta's grasp alive.

"I…" Vegeta began in a low voice, "…I will kill you." A look of revelation came across his face. Roshi felt in his gut that his days were numbered. "I WILL KILL Y-"

But before Vegeta could finish the repetition of his sentence, a small toy ball, the size of a baseball, hit him in the back of the head. No one quite knew who had thrown it, but it was enough to sate Vegeta. It was a stress ball, and the sight of it was enough to bring the rage-tainted man back to his senses after a few very harsh squeezes.

"Quite frankly, Vegeta," Justin horned in, "I'm amazed that any ball can handle your kind of stress. What the hell is that thing even made of?"

Vegeta growled, "Hell if I know!"

"Well, okay then. Once again, this question went by with no one answering properly. To quickly recap the scores for those of you reading the text version of this whole shitshow," and Justin did a quick wink at you, the reader, as he said this, "Team Saiyaman is currently leading with $600. Team Saiyan's score dropped to $200 after this last query, and Team blah blah bullshit I don't even remember their name, they have -$300."

"It's Motherfreakin' Dickstomp," Yajirobe corrected. "Stupid."

"Yeah, and maybe if you put as much effort into knowing any of the answers as you did into coming up with a terrible name for your team, you might not be in a $300-deep hole. Vegeta, the board is still yours."

"Fun With Swords for $200," said Vegeta lowly. As much as he hated it, it was time to play strategy. The score of the team dropped well under Team Saiyaman's, and if they wanted any chance of catching up, they'd have to start small and work up or else they might lose even more points. "Old man," Vegeta began, "If you fuck this up for me again… I will sew your face to a man's bare ass."

Roshi's face, a look of extreme terror, stayed stiff as a board, unwilling to even go near the buzzer ever again.

**Despite Ninja Murasaki's own sword, it was this weapon of Goku's that caused him the most pain.**

BZZ! "Turtle!"

"What is the power pole?" Turtle answered. "Oh, I will never forget the day when Goku told Master Roshi and I about that fight. He was laughing so… Master? What is it?"

**Team Saiyaman: $600  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

Roshi was trying to signal his turtle to shut the fuck up, but alas and alack, it was too late. Vegeta outstretched his hand, open palm hovering just a couple of inches away from Master Roshi's face. Until the point where a ball of energy began to form in front of Vegeta's hand, Roshi was paralyzed with fear. But that quickly changed, and he fell backwards onto the floor, nearly hitting Gohan even though he was over at the other podium. "Vegeta… I- I couldn't remember-"

"You… you imbecile!" Vegeta hissed. If he had screamed with all of the anger in his body, it is very likely that we would have seen a repeat of the self-explosion he used against Majin Buu. "First you sabotage our chances, then you keep silent when you could have easily beaten that stupid turtle to the punch! I would have been more understanding if Gohan had beaten you, but you DARE to call yourself a martial arts master and a TURTLE handed your ass to you, I see no reason for you not to be exter- OW!"

A tiny dart, now nestled snugly and headfirst into Vegeta's arm, interrupted the monologue that was to be punctuated by a Mighty Blast of Rage (episode 90 I think). Vegeta's energy blast dissipated and the saiyan prince fell backwards, almost cutting Turtle's left front leg off with his dangerously stiff hair.

"Vegeta?!" Roshi yelled. "I… I did it! I beat Vegeta! I-"

"No, you didn't," sighed Justin. At this point, our heroic host felt like a janitor in a school full of slugs that left trails of feces wherever they went. Always cleaning up shit was no way to go through life. If only he had not dropped out of law school. "Okay, one thing; who is the person in the audience who shot that dart?"

"That would be me," Bulma said, standing up. It amazed everyone the way she didn't need any amplification, and by "everyone", I am referring to the characters who had never spoken to Bulma beforehand. "For the record, I'm also the one who threw the stress ball. I'm sorry about all of this; it's just that Vegeta's been tense lately because the gravity room's been shut down."

"Well, that's all fine and good, but…" Justin gestured with his thumb in the general direction of Vegeta's podium, "when do you expect he'll wake up?"

"Oh, he's already awake!"

Justin turned to look, and indeed, he was already awake and up on his feet, looking slightly miffed about having been shot in the arm, but otherwise okay.

"Feeling alright over there, Vegeta?"

"Shut up! Mind your own business!"

"Very good. Well, let's get this show back on the road, now that Vegeta seems to be back to normal. It's time to take a commercial break, but we'll be right back after this word from a sponsor!"

()()()

_Has this ever happened to you?_

"_Hey baby? What do you say I use multiform and we put you on a spit-roast, you know what I'm Saiyan?"_

_***SPLASH**__* "You creep! Hmph!" (Walks away)_

_(Spits) "Man, at this rate I'll never be able to get a piece of ass…"_

_**WELL, NOW YOU CAN! **__Just pick up Son Goten's three part series, 'Saiyan All The Right Shit." available soon at your local Barnes and Noble! The first part, 'How To Eat That Bitches Burger If You Know What I Mean," has already been released, but you can pre-order part 2, "How To Make That Bitch Float, If You Catch My Drift," for the low, low price of 10 zenie! Get your shit together, and buy these today!_

()()()

"Aaaand, we're back, and louder than ever!" Justin yelled, louder than ever. "Let's have another look at the board, just to recap the progress so far!"

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK **

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS **

**MAJINS**

**THE RED RIBBON ARMY **

**FUN WITH SWORDS **

**THE EYES HAVE IT**

"It should be noted at this critical juncture that, in the time span between now and the last time we did a recap, only three more prompts were answered. It should also be noted, at this critical juncture, that I have never hated my job more than I do right now, barring perhaps that pepper-sniffing incident from earlier. Turtle, it's your turn to pick out a category."

Turtle scratched his turtle chin with his right front leg. "I want The Red Ribbon Army for $100."

"I'm sorry, but I think buying a whole army will cost you a little more than a hundred dollars! HAHAHA! Oh, we have fun!"

**The Commander of the Army was collecting the Dragonballs for this purpose.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"What is to change his height?"

**Team Saiyaman: $700  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"That is correct, Gohan, and you have gained control of the board. Pick, if you please."

"The Kaioken Attack for $100, please."

**Goku had to go up to this Kaioken level to deflect Vegeta's Gallick Gun.**

BZZ! "Gohan, again!"

"What is Kaioken level 4?"

**Team Saiyaman: $800  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"You, sir, are correct level 4!"

"Hold on one second," griped Vegeta, "how come-"

"Vegeta, I'm going to head you off at the pass here, because Gohan didn't do anything to break the rules of the game and-"

"SHUT UP!" Vegeta yelled so hard that it caused a squeal of feedback to erupt from the sound system, pretty much deafening every Namekian in the audience and giving headaches to most everyone else. Except Rob. He doesn't have fucking ears. "Don't you interrupt me again, you sack of shit, or you will suffer my wrath!"

"…Sorry, please carry on," squeaked Justin.

"Anyway, Gohan, are you telling me that your idiot father only went up to Kaioken level 4 in order to stop my Gallick Gun?!"

"Uh, yeah, that's also what the host is saying, Vegeta. You sure don't seem to have a very good memory."

"Hmph. Very funny, boy. And I suppose next you're going to tell me that my power level during that fight was less than one million?"

"Uh… yeah. I mean, it had to have been. Remember the time Frieza transformed and said his power level was over one million, and you freaked out and said that, even for Frieza, that wasn't possible?"

Vegeta looked thoughtful, something that was such an incredibly rare sight that a few flash photographs were actually snapped because of it, which, if I may just say so, should have been prevented by the security guards. Unfortunately, the security guards did not have amazing superpowers, so wasn't like there was a whole fucking lot they could do about it.

"My God, it never really occurred to me…" Vegeta muttered. "My God! My power level used to be 18,000! Can you imagine what I would say about any enemy that showed up today with that kind of power level?"

"Yes, I can imagine," Justin smartly replied. "It would go something to the effect of, 'it's not even worth my time to kill a peon like you.'"

"Horrible impression aside…" Vegeta grumbled, hand clutching over massively-displayed forehead," "you're probably right. It's strange how we managed to accumulate these massive power levels in only a matter of years."

"I know what you mean," Gohan added. "By the time I was the same age where Dad first met Bulma, my power level was well into the hundred millions. I was capable of killing Frieza, the most powerful tyrant the universe had ever seen, without even flinching. It's… actually pretty scary, how strong we've become."

"Guys, I hate to interrupt your, uh, existential crises here, but we have a game show to play, so Gohan, please get crack-a-lackin' and pick-a-lick a category."

Gohan bowed slightly. "Forgive my rudeness. I'll have The Kaioken Attack for $200."

BZZ! "Ugh. Yes, Turtle?"

"I'm very sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering, how do you pronounce that word? I've heard it pronounced as KAY-oken and KIGH-oken, and I've never been sure which one is right."

"It can go either way," Dr. Gero said in a 'duh, idiot' voice that he reserved only for situations such as- well, okay, pretty much any situation. He's never not using it.

"Heh," Yajirobe grinned, "like a bisexual." Few people laughed. Most people groaned.

"…Anyway," Justin said dismissively.

**King Kai warned Goku that his body was not ready to go past this level of Kaioken when he first mastered the technique.**

BZZ! "Gohan, in a shocking turn of events!"

"What is Kaioken level 2?"

**Team Saiyaman: $1000  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"You are just chaining those correct responses, Gohan. That, once again, is correct. Control of the board continues to rest in your hands. Please, cup and fondle. Do not crush."

"Uh…" Gohan's face scrunched up slightly. "Whatever you say… I'll take The Kaioken Attack for $300."

Suddenly, a wave of buzzer sounds flashed out of the PA! "Holy shit, Gohan, you just got the first of our two Daily Doubles!" Justin exclaimed. "The Daily Double is something that has only happened one other time in the 25 episodes this show has had air time, because none of our contestants ever got far along enough on the board to get them!"

"So?" snapped Vegeta. "What's your point, or are you again trying to pad this thing out?"

"Hey, don't tell me how to run my show, you contestant, you! I just thought it was notable! Anyway, since it's been such a long time, I'll again explain the rules of Daily Double. Much like Final Jeopardy, you can bet up to the full amount of money in your bank, but do be warned; not only will you lose money if you guess incorrectly, the rest of your team, none of whom are allowed to buzz in and help you out, will lose the money as well. So, bet wisely."

"I'll bet $700," Gohan said after some brief deliberation with his teammates. "Even if I don't know the answer, we'll still be in the lead."

"Now that's what I call strategy, volume one." Once again, Justin had made a reference that nobody else got. "Anyway, here's a question. Or, not exactly a question, but… you know, I'll just shut up."

**When Goku used his Kaioken x20 against Frieza, the dastardly villain was powered up to this percentage of his power.**

…

BZZ!

**Team Saiyaman: $300  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"Oh, I'm sorry, Gohan, but dead silence is incorrect and your team just lost 70% of their money because of it!"

Gohan looked over at his teammates and smiled uneasily at their impotent scowls of disapproval. "Sorry, guys… at least we're still in the lead?"

"Boy…" Dr. Gero growled.

"Anyway, let's take a commercial break, shall we?" Justin started in, since he knew enough about body language to know that one humdinger of an argument was headed their way. "We'll be right back to DBZ Jeopardy after this message!"

()()()

"_And they say that a HERO will save us, I'm not gonna stand here and wait…"_

_Have you ever wondered what terrible songs would sound like if Krillin were the one singing them? Well, by God, you're a fucking lunatic! But I have some good news, now you can!_

"_Can you take me higher… *__imitates guitar lick with mouth, is awful__*"_

_This 3-CD set contains all of the classics that make you lunge for the radio button in disgust and wonder what the fuck happened to music!_

"_Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, I just don't think she'd understand…"_

_Only $2.00! Order today!_

()()()

"Welcome back to shit!" Justin said with faux-excitement. "You just missed an argument that ended with yet another character being knocked unconscious! We've just now fed Dr. Gero a senzu bean, and thankfully, those things work on Androids. Let's take a look at the board again."

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK ****($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400, $500)**

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS ($100 (X), $200, $300, $400, $500)**

**MAJINS**

**THE RED RIBBON ARMY ($100 (X), $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500(X))**

**FUN WITH SWORDS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300, $400, $500)**

**THE EYES HAVE IT ($100, $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500 (X))**

"We are nearly halfway through with the game," observed Justin. "The good news about that is we are nearly halfway through with the game. The bad news is that we are less than halfway through with the game."

"I'm falling asleep…" Turtle groaned.

"Can turtles drink caffeine?" Justin asked.

"Uh… I don't know, maybe. I never had any use for it."

"Understandable… understandable," Justin said quietly just before jerking his head to the side. "Say, can someone backstage get this turtle some coffee?!"

"Uh, sir…" the cameraman started, but was promptly ignored, much to the delight of his wife, who was watching the show live in the audience and wanted him to know what it was like to be ignored for once in his sorry life, the no good son of a bitch, every time he came home and she had a good dinner prepared for him, he just sat down, ate it up, belched, farted, and went to bed, not even stopping to say anything to her like "how was your day" or "honey, that was great" or even "god damn it, nedthejanitor, end this pointless derail and get back to the trivia, or at least the turtle/caffeine thing, cuz that wasn't terrible yet."

Erm, anyway.

"So, where the hell is the coffee?!" Justin continued to shout back stage, to no one.

"Sir… sir!"

Justin's head snapped back toward the camera. "What?! I'm busy!"

"We don't have people back stage… we're the only two staff here."

Justin looked incredulous. "Wait- no, we had plenty of stage help and stuff when the show started! Where'd they all go?!"

"They left because you didn't pay them enough."

"Didn't pay them enough?! They hardly ever did anything except stand around!"

The cameraman shook his head. He took serious exception to his boss's comments, but this was not the place to air those grievances. Thankfully, Justin agreed. "We'll talk more about this afterwards. Anyway, let's just move on with the game, and if Turtle starts to fall asleep, his teammates can wake him up. It's time for Gohan to pick another category!"

"I guess I'll go for the Kaioken Attack for $400…"

"You guess? Son, you've got to be sure."

"…Son?"

"Yeah. That's your family name, right? Son Gohan?"

"…I didn't know that."

"Well, that's weird. Anyway, is Kaioken Attack your final decision or not? None of this 'eh, I guess' bullshit."

"Yes, I'm sure."

**This is the last enemy Goku used the Kaioken technique against.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"Who is Frieza?"

**Team Saiyaman: -$100  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"Oh, I'm sorry, but that's incorrect."

"…No, it isn't," Gohan protested. "Unless Dad used it against someone after that and never told me about it."

"Just wait and see. Anyone else?"

BZZ! "Ooh, South Kai! This is the first time you've buzzed in!"

"That's not legal!" Vegeta snapped before South Kai could speak. "A member of Gohan's team has already blown their chance! They shouldn't be able to try again with a different member!"

"Whether you think they should be able to or not, they can," Justin said, once again trying to be patient against his own instincts with this, the millionth interruption of the game (at least, it felt that way). "There's no rule that says another member of the team can't try to answer the… answer. God, I wish this game didn't make it so awkward to label what a question and an answer is."

"Who is Pikkon?" South Kai answered.

**Team Saiyaman: -$500  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"I take back what I said earlier," said Vegeta.

"South Kai!" Gohan whined. "Look at our score!"

"That was the right answer!" South Kai said, partially to Gohan and partially to the host.

"I'm sorry, but no, it wasn't. Pikkon was never considered an 'enemy,' he was always more in 'rival' territory."

"Now you're splitting hairs," growled the pink kai. "Fine, what _is _the answer?"

"No one else wants to take a guess…?" Justin dragged it out until the buzzer sounded. "I'm sorry, the correct response was, 'who is Cooler.'"

"Cooler?!" Dr. Gero raged. "I don't even have that name in my database, assuming that's a name and not some stupid joke you're pulling!"

"No, it's a name," Justin said.

"Oh, yeah, I remember now!" Gohan said quickly. "I can't believe I almost forgot that one time during the three year period when Dad forgot how to go Super Saiyan until Cooler beat him up!"

"Heh… yeah, I did sort of forget…" Goku said to himself super awkwardly, his wife and younger son covering their faces in embarrassment, wishing for just that brief moment they weren't sitting right next to him.

"Well, anyway, the point is, you just lost 800 fucking dollars in one turn, so maybe you should re-evaluate your strategies. Gohan, since no one got that last one right, it is still your pick."

"The Eyes Have It for $100," Gohan said, defeated.

**Dr. Gero was known to the Z Warriors by a different name when he used his eye beams to level an island nine miles southwest of South City.**

BZZ! "Vegeta!"

"What is Android 20?" Vegeta said.

**Team Saiyaman: -$500  
Team Saiyan: $300  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"Very good! Your team has finally gained control of the b-"

"Bullshit!" Dr. Gero himself raged. "Gohan, you knew the answer as well, why didn't you even try to buzz in?!"

"Because I thought I'd leave you that question!" Gohan shot back, nearing his wits end. "It seemed pretty obvious that you would know the answer, seeing as how you are the answer!"

"I don't have Vegeta's speed, you imbecile! All of the knowledge in the universe doesn't mean a thing if you are unable to apply it!"

"Can you two quit arguing like a couple," Yajirobe said, "and just admit that you both suck?"

"For once, I have to side with Yajirobe," Justin added. "If you want to bitch and whine at each other, please do it in a place where anyone cares, like… the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. In the meantime, please pick a category, Vegeta."

"Majins for $300."

**This is the only one of Babidi's minions to not have his M located on his forehead.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"Who is Yakon?" Gohan said with a fist raised in the air, expecting applause that never came.

**Team Saiyaman: -$200  
Team Saiyan: $300  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"Congratulations, you have regained control of the board and also are less in the hole than you were before," Justin sneered. "You should be as happy as a homeless man who just found a dime beneath the hernia in his belly button. Please pick your category yet again, and make 'er quick, it's almost time for more commercial."

"Majins for $200."

**This member of Babidi's squad comes from a planet where the gravity is the same as Planet Vegeta.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"Who is Pui-Pui?"

**Team Saiyaman: $0  
Team Saiyan: $300  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"Correct," Justin said, "even though it seems like Vegeta himself should have got that one, since he killed Pui-Pui on his own planet."

"Do you honestly think I can remember the name of every stupid henchman I've ever killed?" Vegeta snapped back.

"…A point that good deserves a commercial! We'll be back after these words from our sponsor."

()()()

"_When it was time for my husband and I to consummate, he didn't have a clue what to do! He kept asking what was what, why it was what it was, and once he even asked who it belonged to! I knew it was time for him to get some help, so I dialed up 1800SEXHELP!"_

_That's right! 1800SEXHELP, the erotic hotline that doubles as a full semester of sex education, all in one convenient hour! And all for the low, low price of 1,000 zenie!_

"_I'm glad for 1800SEXHELP. Thanks to them, at long last, Vegeta knows how to satisfy me in bed!"_

()()()

Upon cutting back to the studio, the audience was on the tail end of a long laughing spree directed at the humiliated Vegeta, who suffered as a punch line in the latest word from DBZ Jeopardy's sponsors. Laughing hardest of all was Master Roshi, Vegeta's own teammate. As for Vegeta himself, well, let's just say animals close enough to the studio could sense the white-hot rage and were running for safer ground at the very first whiff.

"Oh… oh, Vegeta," Justin wheezed, "sorry but… it was too good to re-"

For most of the people in the courtroom, the sudden, sharp burst of power emanating from Vegeta as he powered up to Super Saiyan 2 was enough to send them careening toward the nearest wall or other hard surface, only to be pinned there by his continuous powering up. Justin himself was backed into the category board by Vegeta's rage.

This went on for nearly a full minute, with Justin silently imploring Goku or Bulma to do something about Vegeta, and those two bearing the heat, knowing that Vegeta just needed to let out that fury before he got back to normal. And they were right; Vegeta finished, powered back down to his base form and went back to his normal level of pissed-off, which he un-lovingly polished and maintained on a daily basis.

"So," Justin started after straightening his clothes out (I've already forgotten most of what he was wearing at the beginning of the fic and fuck scrolling up to remember), "Vegeta, have you gotten your little temper tantrum out of the way?"

"DON'T TOY WITH ME FURTHER, RUNT!" Vegeta roared back. Nearly everyone flinched, expecting to once again make contact with the wall they'd just gotten to know seconds earlier. Justin decided to back off of the subject for now. "Right. Well, let's have a recap, then."

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK ****($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400 (X), $500)**

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS ($100 (X), $200, $300, $400, $500)**

**MAJINS ($100, $200 (X), $300 (X), $400, $500)**

**THE RED RIBBON ARMY ($100 (X), $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500(X))**

**FUN WITH SWORDS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300, $400, $500)**

**THE EYES HAVE IT ($100 (X), $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500 (X))**

"It's really amazing, the way we've gone through most of the squares on the board, and yet not one of these categories has completely expired yet," Justin hinted. "It sure would be nice if one or two of these would be knocked off so it would take less time for any one of y'all to come to a fucking decision about what category you're in the mood for. Oh, well. Gohan, yet again, you have the board."

"Majins for $100."

"…Fuck you too, Gohan."

**The over-powered man who beat the everlasting shit out of Hercule's daughter.**

…

"Well?" Justin narrowed his eyes at none other than Gohan, looking expectant. He figured, the only two in the whole room who remembered the answer were himself and Gohan. It couldn't be anyone else. Gohan, as the host expected, looked extremely agitated and uncomfortable, glancing sideways at either of his team mates, trying to find some way out of personally answering the question and dragging up old, painful memories from his wife's past.

BZZ! "Uh… Master Roshi?!"

"Who is Spopovich?" Roshi answered.

**Team Saiyaman: $0  
Team Saiyan: $400  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"That's correct," Justin said. "I didn't think you'd actually retained that information."

"Who wouldn't remember an ass-kicking like that?!" Asked Roshi, incredulous at Justin's faint surprise. "I've never seen a fight so one-sided since my sister Baba tried to fight off her gas at a funeral."

It's a good thing Fortuneteller Baba was not in the audience that day, or else there would have been a firefight, most assuredly. It was up to Gohan to carry The Torch of Outrage (+12 damage) in her wake.

"Why did you word this prompt so cruelly?" Gohan asked.

"Thank you for asking in the form of a question," joked Justin. "Sometimes my question-and-answer writing people are trolls, and I can't figure out which ones are and which ones are being straight with me. So let's move on to the next thing-"

"No, seriously, I'm really pissed off about this," Gohan replied coolly, startling many people in the audience with his angry tone and use of the term "pissed off," something they assumed would set him on fire if actually uttered. Particularly surprised was his mother. She thought he had been taught better manners than that!

Imagine, her oldest son swearing on television! And she'd be making Goku share in her outrage too, by God, if he wasn't sleeping off a concession corndog hangover! Hey, Concession Corndog Hangover is a pretty good band name! Erm, anyway.

Justin folded his arms and smirked. "So, what do you want me to do about it? Do you want an apology and some money?"

Gohan gritted his teeth and growled a bit, and all at once it dawned on Justin that, holy shit, this guy was one of the most powerful beings in the known universe, capable of blowing up a planet in the blink of an eye, while he himself couldn't do a set of sit-ups without spraining parts of the body that aren't even used for sit-ups, such as the fingernails.

But before Gohan let himself lose any control, he took the high road and backed away from the podium and his scared teammates, deciding to walk away from the situation- "What's the matter?! Backing away like a coward?! Like your weakling of a wife should have when Spopovich was beating her to a pulp?!"

…Or not.

"Vegeta," Justin started, "I- …actually, keep doing it, it looks like you may have just changed his mind."

Gohan turned and gave Vegeta the dirtiest look he could muster. Imagine a Care Bear with constipation. That's the look. "Vegeta, are you trying to challenge me?"

"That implies you were ever a challenge worthy of being taken to start with, doesn't it, boy?"

If it weren't clear that Gohan was half-saiyan before that point, it would have been after the Vegeta-worthy grin he gave to… well, Vegeta himself. "If you think you have what it takes to beat me in a game of trivia, then I think you forget who you're messing with. Let's go."

"Great, now that you gentlemen have gotten your grievance with each other worked out, we can actually play the fucking game, because, y'know, we've had one prompt total since the last commercial break-"

"Old man, pick something," Vegeta growled to Roshi.

"Oh! Uh… Red Ribbon Army for $200!"

**The first member of the Red Ribbon Army Goku defeated.**

BZZ! "Roshi!"

"Who is General Blue?"

**Team Saiyaman: $0  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"I'm sorry- really, really sorry," Justin emphasized as he looked at Vegeta's face contorting into rage incarnate, "but that is incorrect."

"God DAMN IT!" Vegeta just barely stopped his fist from crashing into the podium, which would surely have turned it into a pile of dust, before turning to Roshi. "I'm warning you, old man, if you cost us this game I am going to kill you TWO TIMES: once now and once again in the afterlife!"

"Okay, that's settled," Justin said hurriedly, sensing that the prompt was about to run short of time, "now who wants another shot at this one?"

…

The sound signaling the end of the prompt… signaled.

"I'm sorry, but we're out of time. The answer- or, question, rather- was 'who is Colonel Silver?'"

"Are you kidding me?" Gohan asked. "I've never even heard of that guy!"

"I was a member of the Red Ribbon Army and I didn't even know that," added Dr. Gero. "Commander Red always kept too many secrets. These prompts are unfair to anyone who isn't a passive spectator and just watched the show!"

"I don't think Colonel Silver even told me his name! I hadn't heard it until just now!" Goku himself yelled from the audience.

Justin looked thoughtful. "Well, look, guys, I'm sorry, but that's just how the cookie crumbles. If none of you knew the answer, none of you should have buzzed in… Roshi."

"This is BULLSHIT!" Vegeta screamed, nearly going Super Saiyan yet again.

Justin smiled to the camera and winked. "We'll be back with more BULLSHIT after this word from another sponsor."

()()()

"_IN A WORLD… WHERE GOKU IS FIGHTING A FUCKING CAT CREATURE…ONE MAN… ASKS ONE SIMPLE QUESTION..."_

"_So, is there really no other place for the series to go?" Justin asks at what appears to be a discussion panel featuring himself and three other random nerds. "I mean, seriously, look at what Goku's fucking fighting." _

_***Picture of main antagonist from latest Dragonball Z movie, namely some kind of weird-ass Egyptian God-cat thingy, appears with a black background on-screen.**__*_

"_Let's get serious here- is Goku going to meet up with Yami Yugi to fight this thing, or what the fuck's going on?"_

_COMING JANUARY 2013- A BUNCH OF DBZ NERDS GET SALTY ABOUT THE NEW DBZ MOVIE_

"_But, in all honesty, I don't think we should question Mr. Toriyama's artistic direction-"_

_***Picture flashes again**__*****_

"…_You're right. Sorry."_

()()()

"Welcome back to more BULLSHIT, let's have a peek at the board."

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK ****($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400 (X), $500)**

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS ($100 (X), $200, $300, $400, $500)**

**MAJINS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400, $500)**

**FUN WITH SWORDS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300, $400, $500)**

**THE EYES HAVE IT ($100 (X), $200, $300 (X), $400 (X), $500 (X))**

"At long last, one of the categories has been eliminated," Justin wearily said, "maybe that means we're almost done with the hellish marathon I thought would be a good idea, and that I'll have to do again in less than a month."

"Well, aren't you going to start forgoing the formalities and just getting the game going?" Dr. Gero asked. "I'm getting quite bored of all your whining and bellyaching about how long the game is taking when it's you holding us up most of the time."

"Fine. Ro-"

"If your mother had taken this long giving birth to you, maybe she would have actually felt something when your 6 year old body fell out."

"Gero!"

"Just had to get that one in."

"Roshi, pick a category. Now." Justin demanded.

"Fun With Swords for $300."

**Dabura debuted a damn durable blade during this dynamic duel.**

"This is supposed to be Fun With Swords, not Fun With Alliteration, jeez…" Justin said under his breath as he read the prompt.

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"What is Dabura vs. Gohan?"

**Team Saiyaman: $300  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$100**

"Correct! And congratulations on taking back the lead!"

"Jeez!" Yajirobe suddenly exclaimed. "Am I the only one who thinks it's nuts the way no one has any money this late in the game?!"

"Well, yeah, because the rest of us have been paying attention," answered our illustrious host. "Your team hasn't even tried to answer a question since probably two commercial breaks ago- hell, has Launch even attempted to answer any of these questions at all?"

"I'm sorry about that," said blue-haired Launch. "I haven't been out for most of this game, and when I've been out I haven't known any of these questions at all."

"Hey, don't feel too bad," said Justin. "At least you aren't Yajirobe- I think he's actually the reason you're all in the negatives right now."

"Well, fuck this game," Yajirobe said shrugging. "I'm tired of being here. I want to go home."

"No1curr. Gohan, pick a category."

"Fun With Swords for $400."

**This member of the Red Ribbon Army had a spare sword stowed away inside a capsule.**

BZZZZ! "Whoa! Now this is a first! It appears that Roshi and Turtle both buzzed in at exactly the same time, right down to the nanosecond! We… actually don't have anything prepared for this…"

"Then how about letting the team with the lowest score try to guess?" The turtle helpfully suggested.

"You know…" Justin began thoughtfully. "I know what your game is and everything, Turtle, I know your ulterior motive but… I can't help but like that idea, so let's go with that!"

"What?!" Roshi and Vegeta screamed at the same time. Android 17 just sort of chilled in the background, like he's been doing almost the entire game.

Turtle smirked, once again defying notions of what a turtle is actually capable of doing. These also include talking and- fuck, pretty much existing, in Turtle's case. "Who is General Blue?"

**Team Saiyaman: $300  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $300**

"Correct!" Justin exclaimed. "We have ourselves a very close game! How exciting- Vegeta? Vegeta! Put down that energy beam! Drop it!"

But Vegeta would not listen. Once again, he was a stones throw away from completely decimating poor, hapless Master Roshi. "How is it that you continue to be bested by an animal that's distinctly known for being slow?!" Vegeta demanded. "How is it possible for one human being to be so unbelievably worthless?!"

"Well, look on the bright side!" Roshi screamed over the whirring of Vegeta's energy beam. "At least I'm not Hercule!"

Vegeta powered down his blast. "…I concede that point to you." Then he went right back to his usual arms-crossed, scowling stance, causing most of the people in the room to wonder if Vegeta had developed bipolar disorder over the course of the game.

"Right! Well, let's move on. Turtle, category."

"Uhhhmmm," the Turtle exhaled thoughtfully, "I guess… I'll take The Eyes Have It for $200."

**Majin Buu first demonstrated his power by punching this warrior in the eyes, temporarily blinding him before a devastating kick.**

BZZ! "Yes, Gohan."

"Who is Dabura?"

**Team Saiyaman: $500  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $300**

"Well done, you once again have the lead and control of the board. However…" Justin pointed at Team Saiyan's score, located on their respective podium. "Something I haven't pointed out yet that I find amusing is the fact that Team Saiyan is going so bad, they're being beaten by Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp. Seriously."

"Well, maybe if ONE OF US would quit fucking up questions and ANOTHER ONE OF US would try to answer once in a while…" Vegeta fumed while Roshi and 17 looked on with apathy and fear, not respectively.

"Hey, isn't it better that I not buzz in, considering I don't know most of this shit?" 17 pointed out, and Vegeta scowled at his flawless logic, not to mention that damn hair of his. Oh, how he wished he could have that hair. Then he wouldn't have to worry about stabbing his wife while giving head.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't read that last paragraph," said our fourth-wall shattering host. "Gohan, it's category time."

"Fun With Swords for $500."

PEW PEW PEW! The buzzers that signaled Daily Double were signaling for Daily Double! "Those signals are for Daily Double!" Justin said recursively. "This will be the last one for the round, so Gohan, make it count! And just to remind you, you aren't just betting your own money, your betting your entire team's money… even though you pretty much made all of it yourself, but that's beside the point. In fact, South Kai, when's the last time you even talked?"

"I've been talking to someone telekinetically pretty much the entire time," he said, shrugging casually.

"Well, whatevs. I'd say you're cheating, but apparently not much use has come of it so it doesn't even matter. Gohan, what will you bet?"

"I took the category for $500, so I guess I'll bet all $500-"

"Son of a bitch, you'd better not!" Dr. Gero yelled at his teammate.

Gohan took a confused, somewhat deceitfully innocent look at the Doctor. "All of this is mine, anyway. I don't see why you think you should have a decision."

Gero sputtered. "Y-You fool! Think about what you're doing! If you don't know the answer to this, we're not going to have anything left."

"Gero, quit fucking arguing with him about it," Justin ordered. "The bet's already been made and he can't take it back. This is his Daily Double and his decision.

The angry old man crossed his arms in a childish manner and muttered to himself, "I knew I should have gone on DBZ Millionaire instead… Recoome's a much better host…"

"Now, without further ado, let's see the double! This one's going to involve a picture as well as the prompt, just a fair warning."

A picture shows up on the category screen of Tapion as Justin reads off the prompt.

**This is the warrior who gave Future Trunks the sword that killed Frieza.**

… "Who is Tapion?!" Gohan blurted out at the very last second, as Dr. Gero's body almost gave out transitioning from rage/tension to deep relief.

**Team Saiyaman: $1000  
Team Saiyan: $200  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $300**

"Congratulations on your four-figure lead, Team Saiyaman!" Justin said excitedly. "This late in the game and we only have one team with a grand, I sure am confident in the intelligence of the DBZ cast!" The DBZ cast, fortunately for Justin, was mostly non-fluent in sarcasm. "Gohan, now that you have two times more money than the other two teams combined, you can pick yet another category!"

"Give me Majins for $400."

**This is the Majin who was supposed to battle Jewl at the 25****th**** World Martial Arts Tournament.**

BZZ! "Vegeta!"

"Who is Yamu?"

**Team Saiyaman: $1000  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $300**

"You got it, Vegeta!" Justin exclaimed like a kindergarten teacher. "Now you have the board."

"I've got the bored, too," said Dr. Gero. "The B-O-R-E-D."

"Well… leave, then." Justin shrugged. "I won't force you to stay. But be warned, if you leave and Gohan and South Kai are disqualified right after, they're going to come after you. And I don't know how worried you should be about South Kai, but Gohan… yeah, that's a different story."

Gero quieted down.

"Majins for $500." Vegeta picked.

**The only form of Majin Buu that isn't pink or Uub is this color.**

BZZ! "Yes, Yajirobe? I'm assuming you don't actually have a fucking answer."

"Uub is not a color."

**Team Saiyaman: $1000  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$200**

"I assumed correctly."

THONK! Turtle slapped Yajirobe across the back of the head. "Oww! You stupid turtle, what in the hell did you do that for?!"

"You didn't have to buzz in to say that!" Turtle said with uncharacteristic but nevertheless non-threatening anger. "Now we're $200 in the hole thanks to you!"

"You'd better watch out, or I'll cut you in half and make you my brektus!"

"It's breakfast, you tool! And you couldn't cut through hot butter, much less my shell!"

"Remember, I cut Cymbal in half!"

"That was 25 years and 10,000 chili dogs ago!"

"Are you two idiots done yet, or should I show you how convincing an argument I can make…?" Vegeta snarled from next door- er, podium. Turtle and Yajirobe, pant-shittingly terrified of the prince of all saiyans, came to an agreed truce immediately.

"Excellent, Vegeta, nice work," Justin clapped sarcastically like Pegasus when Kaiba found Mokuba in his cell at the castle. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES, I'M REFERENCING ANIMES THAT AREN'T DRAGONBALL Z! NOW HOW YOU GONNA ACT?

…Erm, anyway,

"I should have hired you to be my bailiff back in the DBZ Court days, eh?"

Vegeta scoffed so hard, a star light-years away went supernova. "What is it about me in the time we've known each other that makes you think I would want such a disgraceful job?"

"Your weakness to tranquilizer darts?"

The Prince of All Saiyans©™ had to restrain himself from jumping over his podium (like he even needed to in the first place) and tearing Justin at least seven new assholes, each with anywhere between one and seven stars on it, that could be collected to call the Asshole Dragon to grant a shitty wish. It should be noted that the prompt has been over for about a minute by this point.

"…We need you to pick a cate-"

"The God Damn Pigs for $200!"

**The police alone were not enough to contain crime during the Great Saiyaman Saga, so they sent this non-super powered fighter to help them catch criminals.**

BZZ! "Gohan."

"Who is Videl?" Gohan answered, smiling.

**Team Saiyaman: $1200  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$200**

"Fantastic! It looks like we're overdue for a commercial break, so we'll be right back after this message."

()()()

"_AAAHHHHHH!"_

"_Oh, God, the horror!"_

"_I beg of you to make it stop!"_

_WHY ARE ALL OF THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE TREMBLING IN FEAR…?_

"_Please just kill me!"_

_THERE COULD BE ONLY ONE MAN RESPONSIBLE…_

"_When will the horror end…?"_

_AND THAT MAN IS…_

"_The Great Saiyaman!" **strikes a horrible pose**_

"_NOOOOOO!"_

"_My eyes have been bleeding for three days!"_

"_This couldn't be the bad ass kid that killed Cell seven years ago, and I'm not even one of the dumbasses that fell for Hercule's bullshit!"_

_COMING THIS FALL… TERROR WEARS A SILLY HELMET…_

_**GREAT SAIYAMAN: THE MOVIE**_

"_Honey… is he around the corner…?"_

"_Let me check- OH GOD, HE JUST COPIED A GINYU MOVE!"_

_**FALL 2013**_

()()()

"Welcome back to DBZ Jeopardy," Justin said with a little more zazz than has been usual since midway through the gauntlet. "Let's take a look at the board."

**THE KAIOKEN ATTACK ****($100 (X), $200 (X), $300 (X), $400 (X), $500)**

**THE GOD DAMN PIGS ($100 (X), $200 (X), $300, $400, $500)**

"As you can see, we are nearly done with this game, and holy sweet shit what a relief that is. Which is why, as of this sentence, all interruptions of the game's flow will be punishable by things dropping from the ceiling, and will continue to be so until I come up with a wittier name for them."

"What kind of things?" Gero queried. Justin just shrugged knowingly. "You want to find out, just keep asking those questions." Gero, feeling similarly to Justin about the out-of-control length this game has attained, chose to remain silent.

"Good boy. Gohan, it's your turn to pick a category. Try not to agonize too hard over your choice."

"I'll take The Kaioken Attack for $500."

**The only time Goku ever used the Kaioken Attack while being a Super Saiyan was during a fight with this opponent.**

BZZ! "South Kai."

"Who is Pikkon?" South Kai said with a hint of caution in his voice, still remembering the last time he tried this answer with another prompt.

**Team Saiyaman: $1700  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$200**

"That is correct," Justin said to South Kai's relief. "By this point, I think it's safe to say that Team Saiyaman is the favorite to win this match."

"It isn't safe to say that at all, you jerkface!" Yajirobe yelled in protest. "There are still three more answer-thingies left on the board so-"

CLONK! Yajirobe's rant was interrupted by a full paint bucket falling onto his head, coating his hair in sky-blue paint and getting his whole team high on the fumes. Justin looked on with bemused amusement as the three of them stared dumbly at each other, trying to fully comprehend what just happened.

"Right. That's what I meant when I said, 'don't interrupt.' South Kai, do you want to try for 3, 4 or 5 hundred?"

"$300."

**The only villain Oolong managed to be of any use against, thwarting his plan alone.**

BZZ! "Uh… South Kai?"

"What?"

"You buzzed in."

"What?! No, I didn't! My device must be glitching!"

Justin shook his head adamantly. "We had all of our gear quadruple-checked by a team of trained engineers and technicians and shit before we started the game. If there's any error going on here, it's human or kai or otherwise."

"Damn it, I didn't press my buzzer!"

BZZ! "Well, that sound means you just lost your team $300."

**Team Saiyaman: $1400  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: -$200**

"FUCK!" The Kai clenched his buzzer in his hand just barely before the point of breaking.

"The prompt is still up for anyone who wants a shot at it."

BZZ! "Turtle?"

"Who is Emperor Pilaf?"

**Team Saiyaman: $1400  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $100**

"That is correct. You now have control of the board, Turtle." Justin took note of the strange glint in Turtle's eyes, assuming it had something to do with the paint from a minute ago. "Again, you shouldn't take long deciding."

"I'll take the one for $400."

**This color of star was on Oolong's hat when he first met Goku.**

BZZ! "Dr. Gero?"

"What?!" Gero blurted. "I'm not the one who buzzed in!"

"Yes. You are. How many times is a member of your team going to do this?"

Gero began screaming, with that really big mouth that he displayed just before being killed by the androids. "FOR THE LAST TIME, I DID NOT-"

BZZ!

**Team Saiyaman: $1000  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $100**

"GOD DAMN IT!"

Justin chuckled lightly. "Close, but no cigar. Anyone else?"

BZZ! "Turtle again!

"What is red?"

**Team Saiyaman: $1000  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $500**

"That is correct! You are now within reach of tying with Team Saiyaman! Talk about a stunning turn-around…"

"This is bullshit!" South Kai roared. "We're being robbed! Our equipment keeps going off without any input from us!"

Justin shook his head, not wishing to dump even more stuff onto another team's head. "Guys, I've said it before and I'll say it again; we tested the equipment thoroughly before the game started. There's no fucking way your stuff could be malfunctioning, I went- I didn't even go to the Dollar General for half of this stuff. You just need to get it together. Besides, even if I did think there was a chance that your shit was on the fritz, we're in the middle of a show; I can't just take the time to call the technicians and wait for the 20 minutes it'd take them to get here."

Team Saiyaman wrung their collective hands, realizing that trying to argue with this host was futile. It was best to just hope that it wouldn't happen a third time.

"Turtle, here it is. Here is the final prompt of the game. Thank. Fucking. God. For $500…"

**The cops in this village were really squealing after a run-in with General Blue of the Red Ribbon Army.**

BZZ! "Gohan!"

"No!" Gohan yelled in protest. "No, I swear, I didn't buzz in!"

"This old story again, hmm?"

"I didn't! Please, you have to believe us, we aren't doing this ourselves!"

"So you just expect me to believe that all three of your buzzers have gone bad once each during three different prompts? Are you sure you aren't just trying to throw the game for some stupid reason?"

Gohan's eyes were filled with desperation and frustration. Their lead was gone- even if no one else got the prompt, Team Saiyan was going to take first place and proceed to Final Jeopardy. This was his last chance. He had to answer.

"W-What is-" BZZ! "What is Penguin Village?!"

**Team Saiyaman: $500  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $500**

"Sorry, but you ran out of time," Justin said with some apprehension, knowing that it was kind of bullshit that Gohan didn't get that. "I'm afraid you've lost your lead. Anyone else wanna-"

BZZ! "Turtle, yet again!"

"What is Penguin Village?"

**Team Saiyaman: $500  
Team Saiyan: $600  
Team Motherfreakin' Dickstomp: $1000**

"NO!" Gero powered up an energy wave, forgetting that he was completely outmatched by one of his own teammates, and aimed it at Justin. "NO! NO! You are going to have this equipment checked or you are going to stand by and allow me!"

"Whoa, Gero," Justin rhymed inadvertently. "Let's calm down and think about what you're going to do here-"

From out of left field, at least Dr. Gero's left, came an energy blast from Vegeta, just barely weak enough to avoid killing the good doctor, but nevertheless severely damaging him. The blast pinned him against the wall behind Justin, narrowly missing the host. "Shut up, old fool! You've lost! Deal with it!"

"Vegeta!" Gohan said in a scolding voice. "Shame on you! There is something legitimately wrong with our stuff, and you're trying to cheat?! What happened to all of that honor?!"

"Enough, enough," Justin said, "I surrender. I'll bring the tech guys in to examine the equipment. There's no fucking way I'd let Gero do it…" Justin glanced over at the man's damaged android body, "even if he could."

The show was interrupted as the tech guys were called in. The same commercials that were played over the course of the show were put on repeat for a frustrated audience. But they didn't have to wait long for a great show- when the show came back, Justin was having some heated words with the two remaining members of Team Saiyaman, who had been accidentally covered in old chicken ramen broth due to a misfire of one of Justin's traps.

"It's going to take me weeks to get this stuff out of my hair," Gohan bitched. "This show has just been humiliation after humiliation and I'm sick of it!"

"How many ways am I going to have to say, 'whoops, I fucked up,' before you understand that there was nothing I could do?! Maybe if you'd let go of this really dumb crusade of yours, it wouldn't have happened!"

"Say!" One of the technicians interrupted the argument. "Your stuff's good, we didn't find anything at all wrong with it."

Justin nodded and turned to look at Gohan, who was angrily staring at the ground. "I'm afraid your team, as well as Team Saiyan, has lost. Now, you were just leaving."

Gohan and South Kai, still clearly angry, took Dr. Gero and exited the building. Team Saiyan left much earlier, and Vegeta in particular took a huge chunk of wall for a revenge souvenir. No one was sad to see him leave.

"Well," Justin rubbed his hands together, "I guess it's time for Final Jeopardy. Turtle, you take podium one. Yajirobe, you take two, and Launch, you take three."

"I have all this paint in my hair… and none on my fingers," Yajirobe slurred (guess the musical reference, win a prize!* *prize not guaranteed) as he got to his place. The others were in no better shape.

"How this works is, you're all going to have the thousand dollars split evenly between you, and you use it to bet with. Each of you has $333, so whoever wins gets the spare dollar added to their total, because fuck, think of the ramen you can buy with one buck. Our last category is…"

**CENSORSHIT**

"Place your bets!"

…

"And the prompt is…"

**Roshi was drinking a foamy mug of this liquid after Ocean Group was done with him in the first episode of Z.**

…

"Okay, you may now quit writing your answers. Turtle, you wrote for your bet…"

**$333**

"And you wrote for your answer…"

**What is water?**

"Excellent! I'm very amazed that you managed to even write at all with your lack of opposable fingers. Tell me, what did you do?"

The turtle stared at Justin with an expression of total neutrality on his face, staring intently until Justin got creeped out and gave up.

"And Yajirobe, you wagered… nothing. There's nothing there. So you're disqualified. Launch, you bet… what the fuck, you didn't bet either?!"

Yajirobe and Launch, you guessed it, were still woozy from the paint fumes. Turtle, however, was far from woozy. He had been awoken, in a way no other turtle ever could imagine. The combination of whatever mutation gave him the ability to talk and the abundant smell of ammonia had granted him… **thunder clap** PSYCHIC POWERS!

"Well, congratulations Turtle, you are officially the Gauntlet Champion! Until next time, I'm Justin saying… eh, whatever."

**THE END**


	26. Turtle, Eighter and Piano

**Disclaimer: Nagginball Z, the alternate universe story where Chi-Chi is the main character, is not under the ownership of nedthejanitor. **

**Also, I'm keeping the regular score updates after every answer attempt with a prompt because it's easier for me.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"In case you don't trust the big, booming voice because you think it belongs to a communist. this is, in fact, Jeopardy," said host Justin upon his arrival to the podium. "For those who missed the last installment, well, we had a gauntlet, and you can catch the whole disaster on the DVD we plan to release at the end of the show's run. It'll be available at whatever street corner I happen to be selling it from that day.

"Anyway, enough of my inane babbling, let's introduce the contestants. First, we have our esteemed winner from yesterday's gauntlet…"

"Hello!" the dopey voice from Turtle took its cue to make itself known and feared by the world at large. "It's great to be back on the show, even though I don't really remember how I got back on."

"Dude, if I had a nickel for every time I forgot about something, I'd forget to hide them and they'd all get stolen. Welcome back to the show, and to Turtle's left we have…"

"…Oh! Uh, my name is Android Number 8, but please call me Eighter," the shy android introduced himself. "It's great to be here."

Justin was charmed by the android's shy politeness. "It's great to have you, man. And finally-"

"Piano."

Justin flinched at how brief and terse Piano's self-introduction was, like a bullet. "Damn, I see someone's eager to get started."

"Not really. I just want to get all of the nonsense out of the way."

"A sentiment I can appreciate. Today's all new categories are…"

**ONE-SIDED FIGHTS**

**(DIS) ARMED AND (NOT SO) DANGEROUS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**SHORTIES**

**SENZU BEANS**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Now, Turtle, since you are the Gauntlet Champion, the board is yours. But you can't take it home, because fuck, where would you even put it?"

Turtle deliberated over his choice briefly as the crowd roared with nonexistent laughter at Justin's hilarious joke. "Shorties for $100."

**This shorty married something that Cell threw up.**

BZZ! "Turtle!"

"Who is Krillin?"

**Turtle: $100  
Eighter: $0  
Piano: $0**

"That is correct. Board is still yours- OW!" Justin was hit in the head by a wadded up piece of paper that wouldn't have hurt so much, were it not for the fact that a DBZ character- ANY DBZ character- threw it. Our esteemed host unwadded the paper and read it aloud like a stern schoolmarm who just caught a student passing a note in class.

"_Could you have phrased that any more insultingly? You'll be hearing from my lawyer. –Krillin"_

"Well, Krillin, to answer your question," Justin said as he tossed aside the re-wadded paper, "yes, I could have called you a 'midget' instead of merely 'shorty.' Anyway, before we were so rudely interrupted, Turtle was just about to pick a category."

"You know, Krillin was kind of right…"

"I don't need sass from a turtle."

Turtle huffed. It's a good thing this show paid in exchange for such humiliation. "I'll take the same category for $200."

**This shorty was one of three androids that appeared in the seventh movie installment.**

BZZ! "Eighter!"

"Who is Android 15?" Eighter proudly guessed, knowing he was right.

**Turtle: $100  
Eighter: $200  
Piano: $0**

"That is correct, Eighter. You now have a $100 lead over Turtle and a $200 lead over Piano."

"It's two questions in," Piano blurted, "stop inferring that I'm some kind of imbecile!"

"Then don't be one."

Shockingly, the host didn't speak that phrase, as common sense might lead one to think. Instead, to everyone's amazement, Eighter was the one who said that.

"Eighter, have you been taking Sass Class?" Justin asked. Say "sass class justin asked" five times really fast.

Eighter had his hands over his mouth and his eyes were stricken with horror. He shook his head no as a response. "I don't- I don't know what came over me! I didn't even mean to say that!"

Justin looked coy. "Oh, come now, Eighter, everyone gets a chance to gloat every now and then, it's healthy to take it in small doses."

"But I'm not that sort of person!"

"Look, it's not a big deal. Piano's an asshole, anyway! Just pick a category- the board is yours."

"O-okay. I'll choose… why must these all be so violent and insulting…? Shorties for $300."

**This shorty caused the destruction of Planet Earth.**

BZZ! "Yes, Turtle."

"Who is Kid Buu?"

**Turtle: $400  
Eighter: $200  
Piano: $0**

"That's correct, a bitchin' job indeed!"

"I-I really wish you'd not use such foul language…"

But Eighter's request was not even acknowledged, except by the faraway mocking laughter of Vegeta. "Let's keep this shit going, Turtle, it's your turn to pick a category."

"I want Shorties for $400."

**This shorty caused the destruction of Planet Namek.**

BZZ! "Piano?"

"Who is Frieza?"

**Turtle: $400  
Eighter: $200  
Piano: $400**

"That's correct, and I have to say I'm very impressed that you guessed that. I just figured you'd be one of our idiot throwaway guests."

"Thanks," Piano said in a voice coated with sarcasm. "I did my research before coming here, so I am not to be underestimated…" _"Having all of Piccolo's memories doesn't hurt, either…"_

"You get to pick a category, so quit having that devious look on your face. You look like you're staring at a nice ass or something."

Piano immediately straightened up- this guy was probably too stupid to infer that his strategy of cheating had been started, but he didn't want to take any chances. "One-Sided Fights for $100."

**Not long after absorbing Android 17, Cell had his green, scaly ass turned to grass by this warrior.**

BZZ! "Piano!"

"Who is Vegeta?"

**Turtle: $400  
Eighter: $200  
Piano: $500**

"Correct again! And again, I'm very surprised that you actually knew that. But hell, I'm not going to make a stink about it. Pick another category."

"Same for $200."

**Future Trunks was more than enough to handle this universe-ruling villain.**

BZZ! "Piano?"

"Who is Frieza?"

**Turtle: $400  
Eighter: $200  
Piano: $700**

"_How in the hell is he getting these?" _Justin thought to himself. _"He shouldn't know anything about any of this, unless he's been watching hell's big-screen TV since the first day he was down there…" _

"That was correct, Piano," Justin said out loud. " You've made a significant gap between yourself and the other two players, but just remember, as long as they have money they're still in the game. Pick another category."

"Same one for $300."

"_I know you're cheating, motherfucker… you just wait, I'll pin you down yet- shit, that came out wrong. I'm glad I'm thinking right now, and not saying this out loud."_

**Majin Buu had to absorb these two fighters before he was strong enough to defeat Mystic Gohan.**

BZZ! "Piano, yet again!"

"Who are Gotenks and Piccolo?"

**Turtle: $400  
Eighter: $200  
Piano: $400**

"I'm sorry, that is actually incorrect. It's a very close guess, though."

Piano was shocked nearly to speechlessness. "No! No, that's not true! The correct answer is Gotenks and Piccolo!"

BZZ! "Turtle, thank you for interrupting Piano's whine and cheese."

"Who are Goten and Trunks?"

**Turtle: $700  
Eighter: $200  
Piano: $400**

"Now that is correct!" Justin said. "Sorry, Piano, but that's what we in the trivia business call a 'trick question,' even though it technically isn't even a question."

"I- How do you justify that?! You said two warriors- Gotenks was one warrior!"

Justin shook his head in the most condescending way possible. "No, sorry. He was made up of two warriors. Piccolo was completely unnecessary for Buu to defeat Gohan- he only really needed the strength of Gotenks. Goku even said as much himself, when Goten and Trunks unfused inside Buu. Why don't you just admit that you fucked up?"

"Because- no! It's just- that's not the proper information I received!"

"A-HA! I knew it!" Justin pointed an accusatory, victorious finger at Piano. "QUE PEGASUS, MASTER OF CHEATER UNCOVERERS!"

A trap door opened in front of the three contestants' podiums, and Pegasus sitting on a gold chair slowly rose from out of it, nursing a glass of wine. "Yes, it would seem as if our third contestant here has been borrowing knowledge from Piccolo, who he is still related to on account of his father."

"You know nothing!" Piano yelled, charging an energy blast with what little power he did have and aiming it at Pegasus. "I demand the money that is rightfully mine! All $400 of it!"

"Oh, right away," Pegasus said sarcastically, "but first I'll need a minute to stop quivering in fear."

"You have until the count of three!"

"Fine. One, two, three."

A trap door opened beneath Piano… unfortunately, he can fly. Piano promptly destroys Pegasus before being hauled off set by Goku.

"Well, I guess someone will have to resurrect Pegasus eventually. Anyway, on to Final Jeopardy. Turtle, Eighter, here is your final category."

**WOW, WHAT A DOUCHE!**

"Bets begin now."

…

"Betting phase is over. Now it's time for the answering phase."

**Even his own son was surprised when Vegeta failed to try and save these two people.**

You may begin that as well."

…

"That's over. Now, it's time for the moment of truth. Eighter, you wagered…"

**$100**

"Well, someone's playing it safe! You answered…"

**Who is Goku and Gohan?**

"I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Goku and Gohan would never need saving from Vegeta's weak ass."

A scream of rage from the audience was satisfactory response to Justin's joke.

"Turtle, you wagered…"

**$700**

"You guessed…"

**Who are Android 16 and 18?**

"Good guess, but I'm sorry, that is also incorrect. And since you wagered every last dollar you have, you've already lost your championship to Eighter."

"YESSS! SUCK IT BITCH!" Eighter screamed, then immediately jammed his hands over his mouth again, utterly mortified at himself.

**THE END**


	27. Eighter Babidi and Tien

**Disclaimer: DragonCall Z, the spiritual successor to Crank Yankers featuring all DBZ characters, is not owned by nedthejanitor. Though, seriously- I just realized that might make a good idea for a fanfic. DON'T STEAL IT.**

**Also, holy shit, when I logged into this website just now, the captcha thingy it gave me was "prnz." How creepily appropriate. Um, anyway, onto the show.  
**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Hello, I'm Ben Enya, and this is DBZ Jeopardy," Justin greeted the audience both in the studio and out in TV land. "Today we have our returning champion and two new contestants battling their way to the right to call themselves… pretty good at trivia for about a day, comparatively. Speaking of returning champion, Eighter, take off that duct tape from your mouth."

Eighter shook his head, gesturing to a marker board he brought with him laid on the podium.

"Eighter, that shit isn't going to work. By the time you write your answer down you'll be too late to answer the prompt, and I am not just going to let you buzz in and write. I know your robot tourette's is making you feel embarrassed, but don't worry; we all understand you don't mean it. Get rid of the duct tape."

At first, Eighter didn't respond. Then he slowly, reluctantly pulled the tape off of his mouth. "Do you really mean that…?"

"Yes. I assure you, everyone understands you aren't doing it voluntarily. It's okay. Now, without further ado, the other two contestants. We have…"

"My name is Babidi…" The hideous wizard hissed. "And I don't appreciate being called hideous!"

"Who called you that?"

"…No one. Never mind."

"Right… And third, none other than Tien."

Tien didn't say a word. Nobody said a word. It was pretty much the most awkward fucking thing ever. "I'll say…" Babidi whispered under his breath so no one else could hear.

"Anyway, now that that rousing speech of Tien's is over, what does the board say? It appears to say…"

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**(DIS) ARMED AND (NOT SO) DANGEROUS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**BATTLE FUCK-UPS**

**SENZU BEANS**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"I predict that the more prominent fighters are going to want to steer clear of 'Battle Fuck-Ups' for fear of embarrassment. Eighter, pick a category."

"Ummm… disarmed for $100."

**This saiyan from the alternate timeline lost his arm fighting against the androids.**

…

"Who denotes the passage of five seconds of time with an ellipses anyway?" Babidi again muttered, creeping me out. Guys, I think Babidi knows I'm writing this. So I'm going to write it where he loses. "Fuck you…"

"Oh, you mean you guys don't know the answer to this one?" Justin asked sarcastically, hearing none of Babidi's muttering. "It's almost as if you guys aren't from the same timeline or something, shit."

"We are, sir… uh, sorry."

"That's what we call in the biz a 'joke,' Eighter."

"…Sorry."

"And stop apologizing."

"Sorry. I mean, okay."

BZZ! "Well, in any case, you ran out of time. The correct answer was 'who is Gohan.' It's still your board, Eighter."

"Disarmed for $200, please."

**Vegeta had his arm broken in a fierce battle with this android menace.**

BZZ! "Tien!"

"Who is Android 18?"

**Eighter: $0  
Babidi: $0  
Tien: $200**

"Well done, Tien, you've answered the first prompt of the day. Or, second technically. The point is, now you have control of the board. Use it wisely; this opportunity comes once in a lifetime."

"Oh, that's an Eminem reference!" Eighter exclaimed. "I love Eminem!"

The whole room stopped to look at Eighter, each individual attempting- and failing- to picture kind, gentle Eighter getting into some Eminem. "I wouldn't call Eighter kind, he gets really crazy when he wins." Shut up, Babidi.

"…I like his honesty."

"Whatever. Anyway, Tien, category, now."

"I'll take Eminem- I mean, Senzu Beans for $100."

Babidi scoffed. "Figures your weak ass would pick that category, bet you've eaten thousands of them…"

"What was that, you little cretin?!" Tien exclaimed. "I've never even seen you before, who the hell are you to say anything?!"

"I've seen your battle footage, you fool," Babidi sneered. "That was a great fight you put up against Cell, he didn't even have to touch you and you fainted dead-"

Babidi's mouth froze. In fact, the rest of his body had also frozen. He was rendered completely immobile. Everyone turned to look at Justin, assuming it was more of his shenanigans, but he just shrugged, appearing as clueless as everyone else. I, for one, welcome this twist.

"Chiaotzu!" Tien said finally, figuring it out at last. "Unfreeze Babidi. I can take care of this alone."

"Are you sure?" Chiaotzu yelled from the audience. "He was roasting you pretty hard."

"*sigh* Yes, Chiaotzu, I'm sure. Unfreeze Babidi."

So he did. And Babidi let everyone know about it too, the loudmouthed bastard. "I don't even need to keep making fun of you- being babied by your own sparring partner in front of a live audience is worse than any torture a loudmouthed bastard like myself can do!" Then Babidi proceeded to do that really annoying giggle of his, making Tien regret having asked Chiaotzu to lay off the freezing and making Babidi stop to give me a mean look. Wait, oh God, how is he looking at me?

**The senzu bean is supposed to make its consumer feel as if they have eaten this many days worth of food.**

…

"Does no one remember this…?" Justin asked. "Seriously?"

"Why would we?" Tien retorted. "That's not the reason why we eat them in the first place."

"I- oh… shit, that's a fair point, actually. But, still, how many days do you feel like you've eaten?

BZZ! "Yes, Eighter?"

"What is ten?" Eighter asked, sounding totally uncertain. _"I hope guessing based off of Tien's name pays off…"_

**Eighter: $100  
Babidi: $0  
Tien: $200**

"That is correct!"

Eighter did a fistpump. "I just made this game my bitch, you shart-guzzling mother fuckers! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!" Then, yet again, Eighter clamped a shaking, mortified hand over his mouth, not having been in control of what he just said. And yet again, Justin looked skeptical.

"Eighter, now that this category board is your bitch, would you like to select from it?"

The poor android didn't even have the spirit to argue for himself anymore. "I'll take Disarmed for $300."

**Not long after fusing with Kami, Piccolo had to rip off and regenerate his arm due to the actions of this creature.**

BZZ! "Tien."

"Who is Cell?"

**Eighter: $100  
Babidi: $0  
Tien: $500**

"That is correct, excellent."

DING DING! "It's time for Final Jeopardy! I'm sorry, Babidi, but your broke ass can't play. Eighter, Tien, here's your category for Final Jeopardy."

**WORLD TOURNAMENT: KIDS EDITION**

"Place your bets."

…

"No more bets! Time for to begin the prompting!"

**This little boy won the kids tournament at the 25****th**** World Martial Arts Tournament.**

"_Damn!" _Tien thought. _"I thought this would be about the tournament where I first fought Goku!"_

"Put down your answers! Also, write them down. That's right; I knew you tricky motherfuckers were holdin' the answers."

…

"Answering round over! Time for the moment of truth. Tien, you wagered…"

**$500**

"Ohh, excellent! And you guessed…"

**Who is Goten?**

"Ohh, not excellent! That is incorrect, and unless Eighter bet all his money and fucked up, you're out of the game! Eighter wagered…"

**$100**

"Lookin' good so far…"

**Who is Trunks?**

"Ohh, that is correct! Eighter gets another two hundred dollars and the championship again, while Tien gets to fuck off!"

"YEEEEAHHHH!" screamed Eighter. "HEAR THAT, NIGGA?! TAKE YOUR THREE-EYED ASS OUT OF HERE!"

**THE END**

"It's not really the end if you're going to write another chapter…"

**SHUT UP, BABIDI.**

**QUIT BREAKING REALITY.**


	28. Eighter Bubbles and Guldo

**Disclaimer: Frankenball Z, the exciting new spin-off where Frankenstein takes the place of Goku, is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to DBZ Jeopardy, I'm your host Chad N. Subtract. Today, we have more exciting bullshit in store for you suckers. First up, our returning champion and recently christened soap eater, Eighter."

Indeed, Eighter was chomping down a bar of soap, with several more in a bag by his feet.

"Eighter, if you keep your mouth jammed full of soap, you aren't going to be able to answer any prompts. Chill out with the damn profanity if you don't want to use it."

"Mpph mmmmph!"

"Could you repeat that, only coherently?"

"Ah cuh cuhtoluh!"

"What about Cthulhu?"

Eighter swallowed the soap he was eating, prompting Justin to cringe, wondering how awful that would have tasted had a being with taste buds done it. "I can't control it, sir! It's like my mouth moves on its own!"

"Well… man, I don't know, maybe it's something Dr. Gero put in, or Dr. Freeze-Guy or whoever the fuck built you, or maybe your gear's malfunctioning because you've been out in the freezing cold too long. In any case, we have to play, and you're the champion, so suck it up. And I wasn't referring to the rest of the soap with what I just said.

Eighter nodded, understanding but nevertheless reluctant.

"Anyway, our second contestant, complete with Bulma's translation device around his neck, is none other than Bubbles the monkey!"

"Poop? Throw?"

"No, Bubbles, please no. Not again. Our third contestant, who hopefully will not be covered in monkey shit during the course of this game, is Guldo of the Ginyu Force."

"Heh heh," Guldo laughed his skeezy laugh, "I'm going to represent the brightest of the Ginyu Force, and win enough cash to get our vacations extended an extra week."

"That's all very interesting, but-"

"Hey!" Recoome interrupted the host from the audience, screaming. "You got some nerve saying you're the best and brightest of the Ginyu Force, shrimp! What about me, huh?!"

"You didn't even know what breathing was until you stopped doin' it!" Guldo fired back.

"I'm surprised you even had time to breathe while you were alive, all those chili burgers you were shoveling into your mouth!" Jeice, who was sitting between Burter and Recoome, retorted.

"Yeah?! Well-"

"Shut up!" Justin demanded. "If you two are going to don your wife-beaters and scream at each other, take it to the trailer park. This is DBZ Jeopardy, god damn it, not DBZ Springer."

**(author's note: oh shit, dbz springer sounds like a really great idea. no one steal it plz. and if you do, at least do it well.)**

"Anyway," Justin sighed after it was clear both sides had made a temporary ceasefire, "Let's have a look at the board now that half of our allotted time has elapsed."

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**FAT BUU FOOD TRANSFORMATIONS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**BATTLE FUCK-UPS**

**TAIL TALES**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Eighter, if you would, please get us started."

"Tail Tales for $100, please."

**When you grabbed this character by his tail as a young boy, he would be severely hurt and weakened.**

BZZ! "Yes, Bubbles?"

"Throw poop?"

**Eighter: $0**

**Bubbles: -$100**

**Guldo: $0**

"No, Bubbles. No. That is not the answer, nor is it ever a thing you should do. Ever. Would someone else like to try and answer?"

BZZ! "Bubbles, you already tried! You can't try again!"

"What is throw poop?"

"For fuck's sake, Bubbles, no!"

BZZ! "Eighter!"

"Who is Goku?"

**Eighter: $100**

**Bubbles: -$100**

**Guldo: $0**

"Very good, Eighter. Now-"

"EEE-YEEAAAAAH!" Eighter screamed while attempting to yank his podium out of the ground like a madman, "IN ALL YOUR FUCKING FACES! YOU, SHORT GREEN MAN! AND YOU, FECES-OBSESSED PET APE! YOU CAN BOTH SUCK ON MY ROBOT BUTT CHEEEEEEKS!"

After Eighter's rant, as usual, he was back to his old, calm self. But he didn't even cover his mouth or eat any soap. He just hung his head and kept an expression of pure shame. Meanwhile, Guldo was looking at Eighter with shock and Bubbles was contemplating shit, and the throwing of.

"…Riiight." Justin said after a long pause. "Now that the minor distraction is over, Eighter, please pick another category."

"*sigh* The same category for $200, please."

**A direct hit from the Spirit Bomb left this villain without a piece of his tail.**

BZZ! "Oh, God. Bubbles."

"Hurl feces?"

**Eighter: $100**

**Bubbles: -$300**

**Guldo: $0**

"That is also incorrect, Bubbles, and let me just say I can't believe it took me this long to make the revelation that I invited a fucking monkey to take part in a quiz show, and that's not even the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life. Anyone else want to take a stab?"

… BZZ!

"Well, the guessing for this one is over. The answer was 'who is Frieza.' Now, moving on-"

"AY!" came the resonant voice of Jeice from the audience. "I don't want to hear any of this badmouthing about Frieza!"

"What the fuck is you talking about? (Microsoft Word insists this sentence is correct)" Justin asked. "Dude, Frieza lost his tail to the Spirit Bomb. It happened- this isn't just negative propaganda. If anything, you should be amazed at your boss's power- the Spirit Bomb would have fucking killed a normal fighter, Krillin said as much himself!"

"Krillin?! You mean the bald guy with the Connect the Dots game on his forehead?!" Recoome butted in. "Oh, that makes me feel a whole lot better, knowing he's on your side!"

"You can't say anything negative about Frieza!" The more single-minded Jeice continued without the input of Recoome. Meanwhile, he and the other members of the Force failed to notice that Guldo was making the "shut up" motion with his hand across his neck, knowing that the game was about to be over and he had absolutely no money to his name.

DING DING! "Uh oh, it looks like we're out of time, and since no one except Eighter has any money, it looks like he once again takes the title of Champion!"

From that point, the room became a cacophony that was torn between Guldo and the rest of the Ginyu Force's screaming match and the excessive gloating that Eighter was involuntarily doing. But soon, it was all broken up, for Bubbles had to shit, and he knew what he wanted to do with that shit.

**THE END**


	29. Eighter Erasa and Jackie Chun

**Disclaimer: CrackAndBallZ is brought to you by Gross Male Parts, and not nedthejanitor. Unless you ask him. Then he'll bring you all of the crack and balls you'll ever need.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Hello, greetings from DBZ Jeopardy," Justin said cheerfully. "My name is Ben Caughtstealing, and we are going to have a fine show this evening. Even though it's afternoon. Who's counting? Nobody, because there's nothing to count. I like pizza. Let's introduce the contestants!"

"Hello, I'm Eighter," Eighter took it upon himself to introduce… himself.

"Returning champion Eighter, and to the left of him- that is, to _his_ left, in case you failed to graduate elementary school- we have Erasa!"

"Hi, everyone from Orange High!" The visibly pregnant Erasa said cheerfully.

"And let me just give you a belated congratulations on your pregnancy. Say, how far along are you, if you don't mind me asking?"

Erasa looked at Justin funny. "We haven't started playing the game yet."

Justin suddenly remembered that Erasa was a tad ditzy. "I'm sorry, let me rephrase that; when is the baby due?"

"Oh!" Erasa said, understanding suddenly. "Um, about… two days ago."

Justin felt a pang of horror in his stomach. "You mean… you're late?! So, any minute?!"

"That's right! I'm so nervous, but happy!"

"Great…" Justin said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster, not very much. "And our other contestant is-"

"Your other contestant is not going to want to be here when this woman starts juicing right next to me," said a sure-sounding Jackie Chun. "I'm just saiyan, that shit ain't fly."

"Well, look, that's unlikely to happen," Justin said reassuringly, though he himself had his own fear of Erasa going into labor on live television, "but even if it does, I'm sure your terrible attempt at co-opting urban lingo will make the baby want to stay in her stomach. Without further pregnancy discussion, it's time to look at the board. We have:"

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**FAT BUU FOOD TRANSFORMATIONS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**BATTLE FUCK-UPS**

**WHO NOSE THE MOST?**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the fifth category's name," said Justin as he slightly prostrated himself before the camera, "I'd like to say there's a good reason for that, but no, I just lost a bet. Eighter, please pick a category."

"I like that category name," Eighter said. "I'll take 'who nose the most' for $100."

"*sigh* You would."

**This fighter used his lack of a nose as an advantage in a battle against stinky warrior Bacterian, who by the way is never fucking going to be on this show. I know this isn't the right place to point that out, but I don't care. **

BZZ! "Jackie Chun."

"Who is Krillin?"

**Eighter: $0**

**Erasa: $0**

**Jackie Chun: $100**

"That is correct, Jackie Chun, congratulations on getting the first prompt. Now you have control of the board."

Chun furtively stroked his beard- you thought I was going to say dick, didn't you? Actually, you probably didn't think that at all, but I know what you're thinking now- "would you shut the fuck up and get on with the show?" Well, fine, I will. Jerk.

"Battle Fuck-Ups for $100."

**Cell fucked up when he arrogantly refused to get out of the way of this warrior's massive energy attack.**

…

BZZ! "Oh, I'm sorry, you ran out of time to answer that prompt. The correct response was 'who is Vegeta.' Jackie, even though you failed to answer your own prompt, you still have control of the board. Choose wisely…er. Wiselier."

"I want the same category for $200," Chun declared without missing a beat. "That was just a fluke. I'm looking for a real challenge."

"I don't know whether to admire you or ridicule you. So, I'm probably going to do both."

**Trunks fucked up by transforming into his second Ultra Super Saiyan form, his speed slowed him down against this opponent.**

BZZ! "Erasa?"

"Who is Vegeta?"

**Eighter: $0**

**Erasa: -$200**

**Jackie Chun: $100**

"I'm sorry, but that's incorrect," Justin said. "Quick word of advice- don't assume the answer is going to be the same as the last prompt, because there are a lot of character involved in these plot threads.

Erasa bowed in shame, causing Justin to worry that her baby was just going to shoot out like toothpaste out of a rolled-up tube. Biology expert he was not. "I'm sorry. I'm just very nervous."

That's understandable, you don't have to bow," said Justin hastily, hands up in defense for no immediately discernable reason. "Jesus. Okay, who else wants a shot?"

BZZ! "Jackie Chun."

"Who is Cell?"

**Eighter: $0**

**Erasa: -$200**

**Jackie Chun: $300**

"Correct again, Mr. Chun," said Justin. "Eighter, it looks like competition is getting a little stiff. If I were you, I'd be worried."

"Oh, that's okay…" Eighter said with a shy smile. "Fair is fair. Mr. Chun is doing a great job."

"Well, thanks, I appreciate that," Jackie responded. "If only more contestants were like you, this show would be a lot more pleasant to watch."

"Enough, both of you," Justin said with disgust. "Getting way too damn mushy in here. Mr. Chun, have at the category board."

"Battle Fuck-Ups for $300."

**Goku fucked up by being fooled by the fake surrender of this Red Ribbon Army general.**

BZZ! "Eighter!"

"Who is General White?"

**Eighter: $300**

**Erasa: -$200**

**Jackie Chun: $300**

"Wow, I feel like one of the category guys must have planted that one there specifically for you, but yes, that's correct Eighter."

"Congrats, Ei-" But Jackie Chun was interrupted by Eighter's dance of victory and joy, which consisted of 95% crotch thrusts and 5% middle fingers at Jackie Chun, who was too stunned at this point to even reply. As usual, after Eighter was finished, he immediately went back to normal, only with a look of shame on his face like he just got finished masturbating to a futanari doujinshi. I am ashamed to know both of those words.

"Riiight…" Justin said. DING DING! "And that sound means it's time for Final Jeopardy! Erasa, I'm sorry, but…" He noticed that Erasa had a pained look on her face. "Hey, cheer up! We have parting gifts for all the losers! There's no shame in being a failure, just ask… well, me!"

"No…" Erasa said through clenched teeth. "That's not it. I think Eighter's dance of victory and joy broke my water…"

"OH, FUCK! COMMERCIAL!"

**TBC**


	30. Eighter Sharpener and Puar

**Disclaimer: Dragonbohgodimrunningoutofth esepuns… is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

**Thank you again, all who reviewed!**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy," Justin slurred, "I'm Pun Ching-Yu-Enda-Face. I'll give you a second to parse that… you done? Okay. Welcome to Jeopardy. I'm Pun- oh, shit, I already said that. Sorry, haven't slept much, after the hellish nightmare that occurred at yesterday's show. Let's look at the categories. Today we have-"

Eighter clearing his throat reminded Justin that he missed a step. "Oh, sorry, I need to introduce the contestants. First we have this fuck-face over here," and then he pointed at Eighter. "Hey!" he said indignantly, but was ignored splendidly and with force.

"Then we have this jerkoff over here…" Justin's finger found the second contestant, Sharpener. "Way to get your wife pregnant dude, good show."

"Uh… thanks?" Sharpener said.

"You're quite welcome. And third, we have… thiiiiis guy," and he pointed at Eighter again.

"Excuse me, sir," the squeaky voice of Puar came from the third podium. "I'm over here!"

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Look, I'm falling asleep standing up here, so you've got to bear with me."

As if on cue, a frail intern wearing a stained Tool shirt ran out with a cup of coffee to give to the host. Justin swigged the lukewarm beverage and slapped himself in the face a few times, just to get back on track.

"Whew! I needed that! I think I'll be okay for at least another ten minutes. Puar, welcome to the show, which has apparently become a deathmatch between three people whose names end in "r." Before I have another lapse of reason, let's introduce the categories. They are…"

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**FAT BUU FOOD TRANSFORMATIONS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**TENDER TEARS**

**WHO SAID IT?**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Without further ado, let's get started. You have the board again, Eighter."

"Hm, I'll take Tender Tears for $100, please."

"Again, you would."

**This character cried as they achieved the second level of Super Saiyan.**

BZZ! "Sharpener?"

"Who is Gohan?"

**Eighter: $0  
Sharpener: $100  
Puar: $0**

"Very well done!" Justin said. "That almost distracts me from my crippling fatigue. You've wrestled control of the board from Eighter."

"Eh…" Sharpener looked at the board, completely unsure of what choice he was going to make. Honestly, him guessing Gohan correctly was a wild stab in the dark that just happened to work in his favor. 'I guess, uh, who said it?"

"…For?"

"$100."

"**I will take this bean without hesitation!"**

…

BZZ! "Sharpener?"

"Who is Gohan?"

**Eighter: $0  
Sharpener: $0  
Puar: $0**

"No, Sharpener, I'm afraid that's incorrect," Justin said. "It looks like your 'guess Gohan every time' strategy isn't going to pay off like you'd hoped."

"Hey, shut your mouth!"

"How about no. Anyone else want to take a stab at this one?"

…BZZ! "I guess not. Just for your curiosity, the answer was 'Who is Perfect Cell.' Let's move on. Sharpener, despite your humiliating failure, you still have control of the board. I hope this time you'll realize what an idiot you've been and behave more wisely with the lessons you've learned."

But, lo, he had not. "Fuck you, man! Why are you acting like such a prick, anyway?! What is it, because you're tired?! Why don't you go on and let your momma tuck you into bed if you aren't going to host the show like a grown up?!"

Justin sighed with exasperation. "What are you even doing here, anyway? You aren't going to be able to get any of the answers. You don't even know a name of any of the Z fighters besides Gohan."

"That's not true, I know Cell, who you just mentioned-"

"Cell technically isn't a Z-Fighter, but fair enough, you now have two go-to guesses when you feel like getting an answer wrong. Eighter is quivering in his boots right now."

Eighter looked confused. "I am?"

"I stand corrected. Not even Eighter is scared of you, Sharpener, and he won't even fight someone unless they literally kill his friend in front of him. Just pick a category, we don't have time to continue this argument."

"Don't have time?! You cop-out motherfucker, you think I'm just going to let you insult me without responding?!"

"Well, you can retort if you want to, but it's just going to mean less time for you to make any money."

Sharpener was struck speechless for a few precious seconds before regaining focus and finally understanding that time was of the essence. "We'll settle this after the game's over. I'll take 'Fat Buu Food Transformations' for $100."

**The first time Buu ever displayed his food-changing technique after being released from his confinement was on this fighter.**

…

"Oh, shit, no one here knows the answer to this one at all, do they?" Justin said smugly.

BZZ! "Sharpener, what do you have?"

"Who is Trunks or Goten?"

**Eighter: $0  
Sharpener: -$100  
Puar: $0**

"Good God, Sharpener," Justin sighed.

"Well, I tried, god damn it," Sharpener said. "That's more than you can say for that cat over there."

"Hey, don't bully Puar just because you're an idiot!" Yamcha yelled from the audience, in what is singularly the most awesome or interesting thing he's done since the Saiyan saga. Oh, I'm so cute, writing like this is going to be part of the canon. You think that now, motherfucker, but just you wait, I'm going to send this fanfic to Akira Toriyama and he is going to hop on it like stank on shit. First DBZ, AND THEN THE WORLD! AHAHAHHAHA I AM MAD WITH POWER!

Erm, anyway.

BZZ! "Well, time's up on answering this one, folks. Answer was Dabura. Sorry I couldn't give you more time, but the author was busy with a monologue," said Justin with his arms crossed, while everyone gave him even weirder looks than he usually gets and wondered what the fuck he was talking about.

DING DING! "Oh, shit, the game's over, everyone," Justin said right before his coffee wore off and he collapsed on the floor.

**THE END**


	31. Eighter Yakon and Puar

**Disclaimer: JakenBall Z, the new Adult Swim spin-off special featuring Jaken in the place of Goku, is property of those motherfuckers and not nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to DBZ Jeopardy, I'm Heywood Jablomi and this is actually going to be a little tough, because there wasn't actually a winner of any sort from the last game." Justin paused for emphasis at this point, making his frustration obvious. "Nobody fucking won yesterday. So, I decided we're going to do a retry of yesterday's game. We have, all the same contestants-"

"Hello," said Eighter.

"Suup," said Yakon.

"Good afternoon!" squeaked Puar.

"-save for Sharpener who made -$100 as opposed to the other players' scores of 0, and, like, one or two new categories for your picking pleasure. I don't remember exactly how many, because I don't even remember yesterday's game. I just woke up from what was damn near comparable to a coma, and had to watch the tape of yesterday's episode to see what happened. The camera makes me look really fat. Anyway, here's the dumb category board."

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**DBZ MOVIE TRIVIA **

**EVIL DEEDS **

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Why must there be curse words in the category titles?" Eighter asked.

"There mustn't be, there's only one category that has naughty language. Stop acting like an oversensitive Christian. You're a robot. You don't even have a soul."

Justin's last sentence drove a stake through Eighter's poor heart, and he began weeping.

"Oh, shit…" Justin muttered while Puar gave him the dirtiest look possible. "You should be ashamed!" the cat said scoldingly.

"Yeah…" the cameraman added. "That was kind of a dick thing to say."

"Well… uh, I- you know, I didn't… it- he- oh, fuck. Eighter, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"You're not sorry, you're right," Eighter blubbered. "I'm having an existential crisis!"

Justin smacked his forehead internally. So, I guess technically he slapped his brain, or just the inside of his forehead. Look, I made a B in College Biology, and I also made an A-M-F if you know what I mean. Yes, I made an F, which means I also failed, and an M, which I don't even know what the fuck.

"Look, Eighter, in situations like this I like to think back on the reverent words my great-grandfather passed onto me before his death in a gang war: 'save the existential crises until after the game show.' Does that make sense?"

Eighter gave a slow nod of the head, the last of his tears beginning to dry on his cheeks.

"Good. I can see we've made some real progress in the betterment of your psyche, which is clearly the whole point of this fucking show. You can look for a therapist and start maybe thinking of ways to acquire a soul afterwards, perhaps by collecting the dragonballs. or whatever. In the meantime, I need you to stay focused on picking a category. We've already wasted a lot of time."

"I guess… DBZ Movie Trivia is the only one that doesn't seem too violent or sexual, so that one for $100, please."

**This was what Lord Slug wished for in the fourth movie.**

…

"Well, this isn't good," Justin said right after the buzzer. "It's the start of the game and no one got the first prompt, or even tried. This bodes ill. Maybe you guy should take DBZ classes or something."

"I don't think those exist," Puar said timidly.

"Well, they should. I might just make them exist. Anyway, Eighter, the board's still yours. Try to pick a better category, or at least one that anyone has a snowball's chance in hell of getting right. By the way, the answer to the last prompt was 'youth.'"

"I want the same category for $200."

"This time will be different," Justin said emphatically, mostly to convince himself.

**The name of Cooler's strongest henchman from the fifth movie.**

…BZZ!

"Yet again, no one even attempted to answer this one. It is two thirds of the way through the game, and none of you have any money. If you don't step your shit up, the lot of you, none of you are going to be on the next episode. I'm sorry, Eighter, but I'm not letting you on twice in a row without having a single dollar to your name, and same to you, Puar. Tired of this shit."

"How much time did you just waste telling us all that?!" Puar asked back accusingly.

Justin stamped his foot in petulance. "You guys always get me with that one! Okay, fine, just pick a category, Eighter. And don't get me wrong, I'm not goading you or anything, but PLEASE pick something you know about."

"I don't like any of the other categories," Eighter said.

"Fine. DBZ Movie Trivia. For how much?"

"…$300."

**This fighter showed up to help Goku fight Meta-Cooler in the sixth movie.**

… "Oh, for-" BZZ! "Yes, Puar?"

"Who is Krillin?"

**Eighter: $0  
Yakon: $0  
Puar: -$300**

"No, Puar, that is incorrect, but thank you for trying. Anyone else?"

BZZ! "Eighter?"

"Who is Vegeta?"

**Eighter: $300  
Yakon: $0  
Puar: -$300**

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" Eighter screamed.

"Well done," Justin clasped his hands together like a doting parent, "you did good! Now at least one person is guaranteed to win, unless they don't! Why don't you go on and pick yourself out another category as a reward? After all, you deserve it!"

"Uh…" even Eighter was slightly creeped out by Justin's inexplicable flood of faux-affection, and Eighter was by no means a stranger to floods. "I guess I want DBZ Movie Trivia again for $400, please."

"You guess?" Justin said. "You want to commit a little more to it before I provide the prompt?"

"No, I'm sure that's what I want."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

"Are you the weakest link?"

"…"

"Never mind."

**The total number of movies Broly appeared in.**

… BZZ! "Well, no one knew that, shockingly, considering the characters themselves probably don't pay too much attention to the ways their lives are cut up to be sold at Wal-Mart in box sets. Well, we're out of time today. Eighter, congratulations on yet again maintaining your champion status."

"Thank you, BEE-YOTCH- I mean, uh, sir."

"And thanks to you other losers- I mean, contestants. No, wait, losers. Get out."

**THE END**


	32. Eighter Suno and Baba

**Dickslammer: DraCornNutsZ, the version of your favorite anime with a healthy dose of product placement for salty, delicious Corn Nuts, is not owned by nedthejanitor. He hasn't sold out. Yet.**

"Welcome to Earth," Justin greeted, "I'm Will-Bur Smith and here's what you've missed: nothing. Now that the literal nonsense is out of the way, let's get the game started. First, let's introduce our contestants, starting with returning champion, Eighter!"

"Hi!" said Eighter cheerfully.

"'Hi' to you, too. Next up, we have Suno!"

"Hey!" Suno said, waving. She basically looked like what you'd imagine a child Suno to look like when she grew up to be about Chi-Chi's age at the end of Z. In other words, she was getting up there in age yet she was inexplicably still attractive.

"I can see where some of Eighter's peppiness comes from," Justin said in a droll voice. "You two better not share answers between yourselves. This ain't no damn team game."

"We won't," Suno said firmly. "We don't believe in cheating, Eighter and I. In fact, I'm mostly here just to see Goku again."

"You are aware that Goku won't be playing tonight, right?"

"Yes, I know, and that's fine."

"Good. Anyway, our final contestant is Fortuneteller Baba."

"Let's hurry this up," nagged the fortuneteller, "I want to get my crystal ball back from you savages!"

"Yes, just to be clear to the audience, we had to take this lady's crystal ball away because, fuck, we ain't stupid. We know she's going to do some sorcery with that fucking thing, so we locked it in a broom closet."

"That is robbery, that's what that is!" Baba insisted.

"Right. You go on telling yourself it's okay to cheat at trivia games. Today's categories are:"

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**FOOD**

**EVIL DEEDS **

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Eighter, as I'm sure you understand by now, you have the board."

"Food sounds good! I'll take food for $100, please."

"That's some pretty expensive food."

"No! I meant-!"

"Relax, I know what you meant."

**Frieza randomly picked up and ate this animal during his fight with Vegeta.**

… BZZ! "Ooh, I'm sorry, time's up, and unfortunately for all of you, 'absolute silence' is not an acceptable answer. The only acceptable answer was 'crab.' That's right: Frieza is basically that one girl with the cowlick from Pani Poni Dash. Eighter, let's have another category."

"The same one for $200, please."

"Man, it's like your strategy is to keep hitting a brick wall with a pillow until it falls down."

"And it's worked for the past several games."

"…Good point, Baba."

**When Goku spent his first night with Bulma, he found this insect to eat as part of their- or rather, his- dinner.**

BZZ! "Suno?"

"Tell me more about this… _Bulma _girl."

**Eighter: $0  
Suno: -$200  
Baba: $0**

"I'm sorry, that's not an acceptable answer, but I'm sure you knew that already," Justin said. "You should have waited until after the show to start asking those favors-"

"I wasn't asking, _boy,_" Suno snapped, spitting out the last word like a piece of

worn chewing gum. "I want to know more about this little _Bulma _hussy!"

A collective "ooh" resounded within the studio, but Justin took to merely rolling his eyes. "It's turning into a '50s high school in here."

Before Suno or anyone else could react to that statement, not that they would have, an angry Bulma started down the stairs from her seat. "Lady, if you have some kind of problem with me, you need to say what it is right now!"

Justin shook his head. "Oh, fuck, I'm going to have to call Springer."

"What is this about you and Goku spending a night together?!" Suno demanded shrilly. "Goku never mentioned any of this to me!"

"First of all, nothing happened between us because Goku was a little boy when I first met him, and second, you and Goku only talked for a few hours, tops! You don't own him; he had a right to spend a night with whoever he damn well wanted before he got married!"

Suno's face turned red with fury, and her eyes became bloodshot. "Married…? Goku got… MARRIIEEEED?!"

With that, an unprepared Bulma soon found herself pinned over a hysterical Suno, who nearly knocked the podium over when she jumped over it. "What did you do?! How did you trick my Goku into marrying you?!"

"Your Goku?!" Bulma mustered all of the strength in her leg to kick Suno in the shin. Suno was distracted long enough by the pain for Bulma to roll them both over so that she was on top of Suno. "Honey, let me tell you something: Goku didn't marry me at all, he married a woman who makes you pale in comparison!"

"It's not my fault I'm pale, I live in a place with very little heat or sun!"

"Oh come on! You know what I meant! No one's that stupid!"

Eventually, Bulma and Suno had to be dragged out of the room by Justin's security team/camera man/second cousin. "Right, well, we still have a smidgen of time left. Just for the sake of covering all our bases, the answer to the last prompt was 'centipede.' Eighter, you still have the board. Unfortunately, Suno will no longer be playing with us."

"I can't believe Suno acted that way on national television…" Eighter muttered. "I guess I'll try Food again for $300."

"Try food?! You don't even need to eat, dude!" Justin laughed at his own dumbass joke for as long as was appropriate- 3 seconds- before clearing his throat and apologizing.

**During the wait for the Cell Games to begin, Goku and Gohan collected this fruit from a tree with a large hole inside of it.**

…BZZ! "Baba?"

"What are apples?"

**Eighter: $0  
Baba: $300**

"That is correct! Well done, Baba, you now have control of the board. Hurry, we only have like two minutes left, which for you guys is more like three episodes, but whatever."

"Evil Deeds for $100."

**The race of space aliens Frieza destroyed out of fear.**

BZZ! "Baba!"

"Who are the saiyans?"

**Eighter: $0  
Baba: $400**

"Correct again, Baba! You may just have what it takes to knock Eighter off of his throne! I think we have time for one more prompt, so get moving!"

"Evil Deeds for $200."

**This evil man sent an entire army on a quest for the Dragonballs so he could grow taller.**

BZZ! "Eighter, of course!"

"Who is Commander Red?" Eighter answered.

**Eighter: $200  
Baba: $400**

"That is correct! Now it is time for Final Je- hey, Baba, where the hell are you going?!"

"I'm taking my crystal ball and leaving!" Baba snapped back. "If you're just going to feed Eighter prompts that he obviously knows the answers to, I'm not going to waste my time with the stupid Final Jepoardy!"

Baba stormed out. "Well… I guess," Justin cleared his throat, "I guess that makes Eighter the winner yet again."

Eighter climbed on top of the podium, almost crushing the thing. "YELL IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU FUCKING BITCHEEEEEES!"

**THE END**


	33. Eighter ChiChi and General Blue

**Disclaimer: DragUdall Z, the latest installment in a series of shorts where senators are taken one by one for a good old-fashioned truck dragging, is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, my name is Mike Hunt and I am your host this afternoon," Justin said. "Let's not waste any time, shall we? Our first contestant, out of three in case this is your first ever exposure to Jeopardy, and if it is I pity you, is none other than returning champion Eighter."

"Hello, everyone," the big robot greeted the audience.

"Yes sirree, Eighter's reign as champion has managed to last nearly as long as that of our first champion, Dr. Gero. It seems like, if you're a robot, you have some sort of advantage. Don't ask me why. Anyway, our second contestant is Chi-Chi."

Chi-Chi did a small bow. "It's nice to be back."

"Yes, that's right, this isn't Chi-Chi's first time on the show. She was unable to complete her last game due to some severe circumstances-"

"Having a fireball nearly hit me."

"Yes, that's correct. But we've given her another shot at the gold. Contestant number three is none other than General Blue of the Red Ribbon Army."

General Blue smirked, something he'd practiced over many, many years. "Pleasure to be here, little man."

"I am not little. I am 5'6. But that's neither here nor there. It's time to look at the category board. Today, we have:"

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**MASS MURDER MOMENTS**

**PARENTS AND CHILDREN**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Eighter, you know the drill."

"I want Parents and Children for $100, please."

**When Vegeta and Bulma got together, they begat two children. In order from youngest to oldest, they are…**

BZZ! "Chi-Chi."

"Who are Bra and Trunks?"

**Eighter: $0  
Chi-Chi: $100  
General Blue: $0**

"That is correct, Chi-Chi. You've wrested control of the board away from Eighter, so you can pick a category."

"I have an issue with one of your categories," Chi-Chi said in a shadow of what would become her naggy voice.

Justin slapped his forehead in exasperation. "Oh boy, I can't wait to hear this," he said with such extreme sarcasm that only someone as illiterate in sarcasm as Chi-Chi could miss it.

"Your second category contains language that is inappropriate for young children," Chi-Chi declared. "I would like it if it were changed!"

"I agree with Miss Chi-Chi," Eighter interjected. "Every time I have to look at the name of that category, it makes my circuits run cold. It needs to be changed so the show can be enjoyed properly."

"Okay, well, too bad, it isn't going to happen," Justin said. "This show is rated T, that means kids aren't supposed to be watching. Any responsible parent should be able to teach their kids not to say the word 'shit.'"

"I am not picking a category until you change the name of that category."

"Fine, you're disqualified. Eighter, congratulations, you've regained control of the board."

"I'm not going to pick either."

Justin's mouth gaped open slightly, in amazement at how the situation had unfolded. "You can't be fucking serious. You're really going to let General Blue win on a technicality?"

"Ha ha ha!" General Blue laughed a snobby, royalty-type laugh, with the back of his hand across his cheek and everything. "A technicality is still a win after all! I guess I'll be taking the left podium next episode, closest to the little man!"

"A, I'm not little, B, you aren't even going to get any money from this round, and C… ugh… fine, I'll change the name of the fucking category. Happy now?"

"No," Chi-Chi said, "because you're still using dirty language."

"Okay, okay, I'll stop using dirty language. Congratulations, you and Eighter have successfully filibustered away most of the show's time to get what you want. What do you want to change the category name to?"

"Replace the offending word with 'stuff,'" Chi-Chi suggested.

"Stuff sounds good," Eighter agreed.

"I don't care, as long as we get on with this," General Blue said in a bored voice. "I have a manicure I really need to get to after this."

"Don't you live in hell? I didn't realize hell did nails."

"Oh, they do, and they are total professionals."

"Well, that's excellent news, General Blue, because not only am I going to hell, I'm going to need some demons to feel superior to, and I think I can manage putting myself above demons who were assigned to nail duty."

"You say that now, but if you give them a chance and five minutes, oh, you'll be begging to keep them around."

It suddenly dawned on Justin that he was discussing hell-manicures with General Blue, and the resulting aneurysm was enough to nearly render him clinically dead. Another one of those existential crises that any red-blooded American man would get if he suddenly found himself thrust into the world of Japanese anime (as if there were any other variety).

"Let's just… get on with the game before I lose my mind."

"You forgot to change the category name," Chi-Chi said calmly.

"Oh, right. Cameraman, bring me my sharpie."

"Where is it?"

"My office drawer."

"Which one?"

"The one that's not full of used socks."

"Why do you have a drawer full of used socks?"

"Baby, you don't even want to go there."

The cameraman shuddered. "Please never call me baby again."

"Point taken."

So the cameraman recovered Justin's sharpie from the clutches of his desk drawer, almost at the expense of the tip of the cameraman's thumb thanks to Justin's lack of organizing skills and the hiding skills of a pair of scissors. Justin changed the category name, and the game was all set to continue.

"Okay, Chi-Chi, it's finally time for you to pick a category. Hint: if you don't pick the category I just got through changing, I'm going to poop in my pants."

"I'll take-"

DING DING! "Ooh, it appears we're all out of time!" Justin said. "Once again, this show has managed to end with only one contestant having any goddamn money. And yes, I am allowed to swear now, because the fucking game is fucking over. Chi-Chi, congratulations, you are the new champion."

"Oh, my goodness," Chi-Chi looked slightly overwhelmed, which, given the show she's on, is vastly unnecessary.

"And as for you, Eighter, I'm sorry, but your reign has ended."

"I didn't even have a chance…" Eighter whined.

"Hey, you had a several episode streak running, you have no reason to feel bad! Cheer up, buddy!"

Eighter smiled a little. "You're right. One last fist bump?"

"One last fist bump."

They bumped fists.

**THE END**


	34. Chi-Chi Giran and Crane Hermit

**Disclaimer: SagginBall Z, the gay pornographic blockbuster hit featuring all of the male DBZ cast members as senior citizens, is not owned by nedthejanitor. And that's only because I was too busy throwing up to sign the contract. Also, I wanted to call it LemonpartyBall Z, but that's not a good enough pun. Jesus, this has to be the longest fucking disclaimer I've ever written. Why don't I just keep writing it? Why not just make this entire chapter one really long disclaimer? That's what all the hip fanfiction writers are doing. Some of them even pretend to talk to the DBZ/whatever characters in their disclaimers, you ever see that shit? It's like, man, you may as well just ask your mom to put on a Goku wig and sit there while you tearfully recite lines from your favorite disclaimer, you sad, friendless nebbish. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this extra long disclaimer. I like pizza. *****farts*******

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Harry A. Nuss, and I'm indecisive as to whether I should just introduce the show as 'Jeopardy' or specify that this is, in fact, DBZ Jeopardy. That's probably something I'll bring up at the next board meeting, which, like every other board meeting, will consist of me and only me. Jesus, this has to be the longest fucking introduction I've ever given. Why don't I just keep giving it? Why not just make this entire episode one really long introduction? That's what all the hip pretend game show hosts are doing. Some of them even-"

"Just get to the point, you idiot!" Chi-Chi finally yelled.

"Jeez, someone's touchy today," Justin said defensively. "Please try to humor my silliness today, I always get this excited whenever we have a new champion. I mean, don't get me wrong, Eighter was a pretty great guy all around, not at all like that prick Dr. Gero, but still-"

"I said get to the point!" Chi-Chi more growled than yelled.

"Sorry, sorry. Today's contestants are, of course, our new returning champion Chi-Chi…"

Chi-Chi's expression shifted from indignant to pleasant so seamlessly, it made several viewers (about 4 of the 9 of them) rewind their DVRs to make sure they didn't just witness incontrovertible proof of a living shape shifter. Then they remembered, oh yeah, Puar and Oolong. Then, much like any non-idiot, they immediately forget the presence of those beings. "It's good to be back, sir."

"It's, uh… boy, it's really something to, uh, have you back. Anyway, second contestant: Giran!"

Giran grunted to signify his awareness at having been acknowledged.

"You may have noticed that you didn't even remember Giran existed before I brought him up just now," Justin went on to say. "We're really scraping at the bottom of the bucket with these contestants. They just keep getting more and more obscure. Sooner or later, we're going to have to invite that one background character who was wearing a shirt that said 'Super Saiyan.' Anyway, our third contestant is Master Crane, or Crane Hermit or whatever the fuck his canonical name is."

"Crane will suffice," said Crane, who sufficed.

"Well, very good, Crane it is. Now it's time to look at the categories. They are…"

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**WHEN STUFF GETS SERIOUS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**MASS MURDER MOMENTS**

**CONS**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Chi-Chi, even though you've probably lost your veto power from yesterday's game, I've changed the name of the one category you didn't like. I hope this is enough to stop any more time from being wasted, even though I've already wasted over half of the show's time babbling like a shithead. Pick a category, if you would please."

Chi-Chi gave the categories a second glance before deciding. "Cons for $100. It's the only one that sounds like anything."

"…I won't question the grammar of that statement."

**This con tricked a village into building a useless shelter to hide from this dangerous villain.**

BZZ! "Chi-Chi."

"Who is Cell?" Chi-Chi answered. "Gohan told me the story of that little con man."

**Chi-Chi: $100  
Giran: $0  
Crane: $0**

"Very good, you still control the board and you've taken an early, yet small, lead."

"I want Cons again for $200, please."

**This con tried to pull a fast one on Goku with a ring puzzle so he could get away with a dragon ball.**

BZZ! "Chi-Chi again."

"Who is General Tao?"

**Chi-Chi: $300  
Giran: $0  
Crane: $0**

"Correct again, Chi-Chi. You still have the board."

But before Chi-Chi could say anything, a voice rang out from the audience.

"I take exception with that last question or prompt thingy!"

Justin made no attempt to hide his sigh of frustration. "Well, Goku, what is it specifically?"

"General Tao wasn't trying to con me! It was a fair challenge- he got to the dragon ball first, and it was a bet I accepted the terms to!"

"Goku, he tried to run away with all the dragon balls, not knowing that you had a way to find him. How the hell do you explain that?"

"The tiny guy left one of his guards there as a watch! How do you explain that?"

Chi-Chi suddenly erupted with rage. "GOKU! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO SABOTAGE MY CHANCES AT PUTTING SOME FOOD ON OUR GODDAMN TABLE?! YOU SIT DOWN AND YOU BE QUIET, NOOOOW!"

Goku sat down. Justin just couldn't believe he didn't see that coming, and that he just had an argument over canon with the main character of DBZ. Life was a pretty weird thing sometimes, what with being surrounded by all-powerful beings. "Chi-Chi, pick a category. We only have time for one more prompt."

"Cons for $300."

**This con, with the help of his brother, attempted to have a former student killed at the 23****rd**** World Martial Arts Tournament.**

BZZ! "Crane, fittingly enough."

"Who is Crane," Crane answered with a knowing smirk. It fit, you see, because he knew.

**Chi-Chi: $300  
Giran: $0  
Crane: $300**

"Correct." DING DING! "Alright, well, that's the end of the first round. Sorry, Giran, but you have no money. Get your scaly, dinosaur ass out of here."

"Fuck you."

"Right back atcha. Today's Final Jeopardy category is…"

**THE 21****st**** WORLD MARTIAL ARTS TOURNAMENT**

"Place your bets." … "Today, the prompt is…"

**Yamcha met a humiliating defeat at the hands of this opponent.**

"Answering time."

…

"Answering time over. Crane, you wagered…"

**$300 and the answer is, "Who is Jackie Chun?" **

Justin stared the Crane hermit down. "You were supposed to write those separately."

"What the fuck difference does it make?"

"…Crane… I like the cut of your jib. You have a good point. Chi-Chi-"

"Don't bother. I gave the same answer and wagered $200."

"Why just $200?"

"Because I'm not an idiot with money, unlike _some people…_" It could not have been more obvious that Chi-Chi was talking about Goku if she'd literally shape shifted into the word "Goku" written in cursive with an exclamation point.

"Well, okay then. Everyone give a round of applause for our new champion, the Crane Hermit!"

Do I even need to say it? Okay. No applause was given.

**THE END**


	35. Crane Hermit Goz and Mez

**Disclaimer: Haggisball Z, the Scottish version of DBZ where you have to collect 7 magic bagpipes to get a wish from Flogging Molly, is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

**Thanks again to all of you who read this stuff! Couple things: 1. It might not hurt for y'all to start suggesting some contestants for the show. I'm almost spent on ideas. 2. Just so y'all know, for about the last 25 chapters of this story, I've been deciding who would stay the champion or not based on a coin flip. This has its advantages and disadvantages.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Tess Tickles and we are going to get down n' funky for today's show. And by 'down and funky', I mean swear at each other a lot, engage in a dollop of bullshit, and go home wondering why we're getting paid below minimum wage to risk getting killed by nutty DBZ characters and almost starting to like it. That last one may have been too personal. Let's introduce the contestants. First of all, our returning champion, the Crane Hermit."

"That's not what it says on my podium," said Crane.

"Yeah, I know what it says on your podium. It says you're in a dick-measuring contest with yourself, and you're losing."

The Crane Hermit became indignant. "It says Crane Master, you impudent little fool!"

"No 1 curr. Our two new contestants are Goz and Mez. Okay, moving on-"

"Hey!" Goz interrupted. "We don't even get to talk like the Crane Hermit?!"

"I was going to plug my new hell-rap album," Mez added. "In stores September 13th, that's on a Friday for those of you who wish to know."

Justin sarcastically clasped his hands together. How could someone sarcastically do that, you ask? Well, Justin could. It's sort of his finishing move. "Great, that's fantastic. I'm sure Jason Voorhees will be pleased to hear it. Now it's time to look at the board."

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**WHEN STUFF GETS SERIOUS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**MASS MURDER MOMENTS**

**UNSCRAMBLE THE WORD**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Okay, it's time to get down to business. Crane Hermit, you have control of the board."

"Crane Master…" He muttered under his breath. "Give me Mass Murder Moments for $100."

**Frieza rendered the Nameks almost totally extinct until this dragon resurrected them.**

… BZZ! "Yes, Goz?"

"Shenron! Totally Shenron!" Goz reared his hand up for a high five from Mez, who instead just looked at him with disgust.

**Crane: $0  
Goz: -$200  
Mez: $0**

"You didn't phrase it in the form of a question, you idiot!" Mez yelled.

"Oh… sorry…"

Justin shook his head. "Goz, you lost an extra $100 along with the first hundred because of this mistake. Hopefully, you've learned. Anyone else want to try?"

BZZ! "Yes, Mez."

"Who is Shenron?" Mez answered.

**Crane: $0  
Goz: -$200  
Mez: $100**

"Correct, Mez. You now have control of the board."

"I absolutely love Word Scramble games, so I'll have 'Unscramble the Word' for $500."

**AEHINHTSINN**

… BZZ! "Master Crane!"

"Who is Tienshinhan?"

**Crane: $500  
Goz: -$200  
Mez: $100**

"Nice going, Mez!" Goz bitched. "Now that guy has a big lead over both of us!"

"Hey, fuck you, remember that dumb shit you pulled last prompt? Yeah, that's what I thought."

"…I sense tension in the ranks," Justin said using his 'understatement' voice, which sounded exactly like his 'sarcasm' voice. "Anyway, congratulations to Crane Hermit for getting his control of the board back. You may pick a category."

"Word Scramble for $400."

**PREUS MANEK**

… BZZT! "Oh, I'm sorry, but no one buzzed in to answer that one in time. The answer is 'What is Super Namek.' Crane Hermit, you still have control of the board."

"Word Scramble for $100."

"Lost your confidence?"

"Don't question me, foolish boy."

**AOOIDDR**

…BZZ! "Goz."

"Is it Dodoria?" Goz again turned to high five Mez, but wasn't expecting Mez's hand to instead crash right into his face.

**Crane: $500  
Goz: -$400  
Mez: $100**

"IDIOT!" Mez screamed.

"What?! You said 'in the form of a question,' so I did!"

"You have to begin your answer with 'what is' or 'who is' specifically," Justin said with thinning patience.

"Why didn't anyone tell me that?!" Goz shouted.

"We did, Goz. Many, many times, before the show started. Anyone else want to try and guess the prompt, or should we go over what the numbers on the category board mean as well?"

BZZ! "Yes, Mez."

"Who is Dodoria?"

**Crane: $500  
Goz: -$400  
Mez: $200**

"Excellent. Once again, you demonstrated to your idiot friend the proper way to do the simplest thing imaginable, and got money for it. It's like being paid to teach kids how to eat and blink at the same time, only you're doing it in front of a live audience. You have the board again."

"I'll take Word Scramble for $200."

**BJYAOIER**

… BZZ! "Goz?"

"What is Blow Job Yaoi Emergency Room?"

**Crane: $500  
Goz: -$600  
Mez: $200**

Justin's eyes widened with amazement. "Goz, I don't know if you're an idiot for misunderstanding a category you've seen played three other times, or super smart for coming up with that acronym in, like, five seconds."

Goz smiled awkwardly and did a peace sign like Goku, apparently having chosen to completely cut off the first half of Justin's comment the same way Mez was thinking about completely cutting off the first half of Goz's body. _"How have I known this person for such a long time and not realized what a fool he was?" _is what the demon thought to himself.

"Well, anyway, who else wants a shot?"

… BZZT!

"No one, it looks like. Just for the record, the answer was Yajirobe. Mez, you still have control of the board."

"Let's go ahead and finish off the Word Scramble category."

"As you wish."

**USEPR YNSIAA**

…BZZT! "Christ, guys, the answer was Super Saiyan. Seriously, Goz and Mez? You guys have seen Cell and Frieza and you don't know this one?"

"We haven't seen either of those two people, I don't know what you're talking about!" Mez insisted.

Justin shrugged. "Maybe you haven't, and I'm confusing you with some other demons. All you demons look the same to me anyway."

Goz let out a sharp gasp and buried his face in his hands. Mez was torn between comforting his friend and heaping scorn on the host. "How could you even think of saying something like that to us?! You think we aren't the least bit sensitive about that?"

"I know you're both idiots, and if you don't shut the fuck up and pick a category I'm going to cum on anything you've ever loved."

Mez looked shocked and returned to his place, apparently assuming it was futile to further argue with this total jerk. "I'll just take 'Mass Murder Moments' for $200."

**This character suggested that Super Buu kill everyone on earth, knowing they could be revived with the dragon balls, in order to stall for time.**

…BZZT! "Once again, all of you failed to buzz in. The answer was Piccolo. Mez, once again, you have the board."

"I'll take the same category for $300."

"A winning strategy, that."

**The villain who exterminated an entire race for fear of their power.**

BZZ! "Mez."

"Who is Frieza?"

**Crane: $500  
Goz: -$600  
Mez: $500**

"Well done, Mez," said Justin, as the DING DONG sound for Final Jeopardy played. "That sound signifies the end of the first round. Crane and Mez will go on to play Final Jeopardy. Goz, I'm sorry, but you have to leave. Actually, I'm not sorry. You were a bad contestant."

"Oh, don't worry, host…" Goz said with a suddenly devious look on his face, shared by his partner-in-crime. "I'm not going anywhere…"

Before Justin even had time to consider a snappy retort, Goz pulled out his secret weapon- a Potarra earring! Mez, too, had one ready to go. They fused themselves together.

"Together we are…" The new entity, a purple version of Goz with glasses, said, "GOMEZ!"

"Well, that's great, but you're also disqualified," Justin said way too casually for the situation. The demon looked baffled and angered. "What do you mean?! I'm still Mez!"

"No, you're 'Gomez' and a fusion counts as receiving outside help, since you're two brains fused together and, thus, receiving help from Goz. You've been disqualified, and now you're stuck like that. Good going."

"No, we aren't." Gomez took off both of the earrings and Goz and Mez de-fused.

"Hey, what the fuck?!" Justin blurted. "I thought you couldn't unfuse from a potarra fusion!"

"Who told you that? The Old Kai? That man doesn't know his own name half the time, don't worry about what he says," said Mez. "But seriously, why can't I fuse with Goz? You see how stupid he is, there's no way it could count as outside help!"

"Then why did you fuse together in the first place…?"

"…Oh."

"Yeah, looks like Goz isn't the only idiot here. Crane, I'll see you tomorrow, everyone else get the fuck out."

**THE END**


	36. Crane Hermit Tournament Guy and Ox King

**Disclaimer: Holdenball Z, which is just DBZ with Goku replaced by Holden Caulfield, is not owned by nedthejanitor, you goddam phonies.**

**This line-up of contestants today comes courtesy of jcogginsa. Thanks, bro-heem. Or sis-heem, whatever.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!  
_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm F. Hugh. I would ask you for all of your names, but it would take too long and I don't care. Today, we have our returning champion, the Crane Hermit…"

"I wish to be called Crane Master!"

"…The announcer from the Martial Arts Tournaments…"

"Uh, I have a name, if you want to-"

"Last but not least, we have the big-ass goddamn Ox King. You may have noticed by now, we had to separate the third podium from the others a little bit because Ox King takes up about three or four feet of floor space."

"Hey, at least I was nice enough to move my podium myself," Ox King said in his defense.

"This is true, but that's only because you were the only one who could move a podium in a quick amount of time… well, besides the vast majority of the DBZ cast. And two regular humans, because let's face it, that podium's not very heavy. But now is not the time to begin a podium debate. It's time to look at today's categories. They are:"

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**WHEN STUFF GETS SERIOUS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**MEME-EST DBZ LINES**

**THE JERKIEST MOMENTS EVER**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Crane, you have the board."

"The Jerkiest Moments Ever for $100."

**Frieza killing this helpless victim was the impetus for Goku to reach the level of Super Saiyan.**

BZZ! "Ox King."

"Frieza killed- uh, I mean, 'who is Krillin?'"

**Crane: $0  
The Tournament Announcer Guy (no way am I looking up his real name): $0**

**Ox King: $100**

"That is correct, Ox King, and may I just say, nice save. You now have control of the board, so please pick a category."

"Oh, let's see… I guess When Stuff Gets Serious for $200."

**Shit got serious when it was realized one of the initial two androids was this man.**

…BZZT! "Okay, the answer was Dr. Gero. Let's try again. Ox King, pick another category."

After much self-exploration (not that kind you fucking pervs), Ox King said with a defeated sigh, "I'll take the Jerkiest Moments Ever for $200."

**While talking to his son who lay next to him on the ground, an injured Goku was kneed in the gut by this fighter.**

…BZZT! "Once again, everyone failed to buzz in. I'm starting to contemplating making the amount of time allotted for a quiz prompt limitless until at least one person buzzed in, but then we'd all be here until the next apocalypse. Ox King, you still have the board."

"I don't know how to pronounce that fourth category but… Meem-est DBZ lines?"

"Meme-est," Justin corrected. "Just say 'me' twice."

"Meme-est DBZ Lines. For $100."

**In the most famous of meme lines, Vegeta revealed to Nappa that a power level on his scouter was above this number.**

…BZZT! "Oh, for fuck's sake, you have YouTube in this universe, right?"

"Yeah, but our lives aren't a TV show like they are where you're from," Ox King said. "The only stuff that's on YouTube that's about any of us is Martial Arts Tournament footage."

"Now if you want to ask us about Spongebob memes…" Crane added, to the laughter of the other two contestants. "Well, does this look unsure to you?" Then the hermit made an attempt at the grumpy Squidward face, causing additional laughter from the other contestants, particularly Ox King, who laughed oafishly and copiously.

"If all of you could please never do any of the things you just did ever again, that'd be great," Justin said. "Ox King, the board is still yours."

"The same category for $200."

**Vegeta uttered the weak comeback "Sad for YOOOU" during the end of his fight with this character.**

…BZZT! "Why did you pick this category again, Ox King, when it's clear you don't know any of these answers?"

"I don't want to just give up on a category after two tries," Ox King said defensively.

"Well, does that mean you're going to pick it again?"

"Yes."

"…For how much?"

"Oh, uh, $300."

**A quote from Piccolo during the Buu saga: "The _s are inert."**

BZZ! "Ox King."

"What are balls?"

**Crane: $0  
The Tournament Announcer Guy (no way am I looking up his real name): $0**

**Ox King: $400**

"Hell of a question for you to be asking, Ox King, considering your balls probably weigh as much as Sherman tanks. But you are correct. We're all very proud of you. Please pick another category."

BZZ! "Tournament Guy, we've gone a long time on this show with nobody buzzing in when they weren't supposed to, why'd you have to go and wreck it?"

"Because I have an issue with your ability to host," The Tournament Announcer said. "Namely, your sarcasm and rudeness toward your contestants. Speaking of that, and since you must not know, my name is Chauncey. It even says so on my podium!"

"Yeah, but man, Tournament Announcer guy is how we've _known _you for the longest time. It's who you are. Don't make us have to adapt to change, our old conservative hearts can't take it."

Chauncey was getting pretty annoyed. "Damn it, sir, stop ignoring my comments! I'm saying you're unfit to host this show! I'm saying I want to jockey for your position!"

"Oh, do you? Would that be because you only get paid when there's a world tournament in town? Rent on the ol' cardboard box coming up due? Didja have to downgrade from uncooked instant noodles to your own hair? It'd explain your receding hairline."

Chauncey's teeth gritted. Boy, he was getting pissed. I wouldn't want to be Justin right now. Sometimes I'm not sure if I am or if he's another person entirely, but that's another story. "At least I'm good at my job when I do it! And for your information, sir, I live in a nice home!"

"Yeah, I bet it even has three lamps. Look, no one cares if you think you're a better announcer guy than I am. If you think that so damn badly, act on it after we're done with the game. As it stands, you've taken up a shitload of time desperately trying to remind everyone that you exist. Let Ox King pick a category."

"Fine. But this isn't over."

"Oh, joy. Ox King?"

"I'd like the same category for $500."

"Ooh, someone's gotten a little confident! I like that."

**When Semi-Perfect Cell angrily asked where Super Vegeta got his amazing power, Vegeta answered "I do a lot of push-ups and sit ups, and I drink plenty of _."**

BZZ! "Ox King!"

"What is milk?"

**Crane: $0  
The Tournament Announcer Guy (no way am I looking up his real name): $0**

**Ox King: -$100**

"Oh, I'm sorry, but that's incorrect. You're thinking of the Ocean dub."

"…What?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it. Anyone else?"

BZZ! "Crane?"

"What is juice?"

**Crane: $500  
The Tournament Announcer Guy (no way am I looking up his real name): $0**

**Ox King: -$100**

"Congratulations, that is correct!" DING DONG! "And that sound means we're out of time. Crane, you're the only one here who doesn't suck, so you're champion again."

"You suck hardest of all," Tournament Announcer retorted.

"Alright, _Chauncey_, you think you have some hosting secret under your belt?"

"Yeah. It's called not being a dick."

"Okay, bitch, let's see you do my job. Tomorrow, I want your ass here at 2 PM sharp, and you're going to host DBZ Jeopardy."

"You're on."

**THE END**


	37. Justin Cell and 18 Exhibition Match

**Disclaimer: This ain't even a real episode of DBZ Jeopardy anyway, you ain't getting a proper disclaimer. **

…

**Oh, fine. Drag-Bowling Z, the exciting new sports show where the male cast members all don women's clothing and bowl together, is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… KINDA… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome tooooo Jeopardy!" Chauncey the zealous World Tournament announcer yelled into his microphone, causing ear pain for the audience. Piccolo had it worst of all, the poor green son of a bitch. "Are you ready for some, uh, quizzing?!"

The audience was already somewhat unenthused, as they are wont to be, and Chauncey stumbling over his words was no help. They clapped a little, just to avoid the awkward silence.

"Alright! Well, our show's _real_ host- more like real _sucky _host, am I right- has handed me the microphone for this one special show and-"

"They could infer that, dude."

Chauncey shot a dirty look at Justin, who stood behind the first podium with his arms crossed. "Would you kindly wait until I introduce you before you speak, sir?" He asked Justin, struggling to keep his optimistic announcer voice.

"Yeah, as soon as you get good at my job. Just get on with explaining the _other _reason why this is a special show."

Chauncey turned his head away from the microphone and mumbled some swear words.

"Today's show is going to be a special, so Crane will not be participating! Don't worry, he'll be back again tomorrow! Now, without further ado, let's introduce the contestants! First, we have our usual host, you know him, you probably feel some kind of feelings for him, it's Juuuu-"

"Please, please, God, don't do that," Justin said with a scrunched face.

"…stin. Sorry. Force of habit," said Chauncey. "Standing next to him, we have Perfect Cell!"

"I'm only here because the blonde kid pleaded with me to return," Cell said.

"And finally, we have the lovely Android 18!"

Android 18 smiled slightly at the compliment. "I'm here for the same reason as Cell."

"You guys don't have to say 'pleaded', you know," Justin said bitterly.

"What else would I call you getting on your knees?" Cell asked.

18's eyes widened. "He did that with you, too?"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, he did. And it was awkward as fuck."

"Anyway…" Chauncey injected, while Justin quietly thanked him, "it's time to see the categories on today's board! Today, we have:"

**IN WHICH THIS SHOW GETS A LOT SEXIER**

**BETRAYALS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**SEMI-PERFECT CELL'S SHITTY LUCK**

**ABSORPTIONS**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"This category board makes me think today's going to be a great game! It's time for the game to start! Justin, since you gave me the chance to host, and since you insisted, I have no choice but to give you the first pick from the board! What will you pick?"

Justin glanced mischievously at Cell and made a quick decision. "Semi-Perfect Cell's shitty luck for $500."

**Semi-Perfect Cell's very last act before disappearing forever was to accidentally blow up this small planet.**

BZZ! "Perfect Cell, let's hear your answer!"

"What is King Kai's planet?" Cell answered smugly, knowing he'd just turned the tables on Justin.

**Justin: $0  
Cell: $500  
Android 18: $0**

"Damn you, Cell, and your quicker hands," Justin muttered to himself.

"That is correct, Perfect Cell, remarkable job! Now it's your turn to pick a category! What will it be?"

"Absorption for $100."

**Android 20 first demonstrated his ability to absorb energy by taking it from this Z Fighter.**

BZZ! "Justin, your answer please!"

"Who is Yamcha?"

**Justin: $100**

**Cell: $500  
Android 18: $0**

"You answered correctly! Great job!"

"Your enthusiasm is chaffing me," Justin growled. "If I don't hear some cynicism soon, I'm going to start ass-bleeding."

"Whoa! Talk about TMI, am I right, everyone?!" The crowd made little noise. "Very good! Justin, it's once again your turn to pick a category!"

"I'll take 'In Which This Show Gets a Lot Sexier' for $500."

**In one of the very first episodes of the show, Bulma exposed herself to this character.**

BZZ! "Justin!"

"Who is Master Roshi?"

**Justin: $600**

**Cell: $500  
Android 18: $0**

"Wow! Congratulations, Justin, you've taken the lead!"

Suddenly, a loud, angry noise erupted from the studio audience and a furious Bulma came rushing down the stairs towards Chauncey. "YOU!"

"Ahh!" Chauncey screamed in surprise when Bulma slammed her hands onto the man's shoulders. "Uh- security! Security!" But there was no security, and even if there were, like hell it was going to interfere when Vegeta was watching like a hawk from the audience.

"How could you tell everyone about that?!" Bulma screamed, her eyes brimming with tears. "How could you tell everyone?!"

"Ma'am, I don't-"

Bulma started to shake Chauncey, causing his rad yet unnecessary sunglasses to fall off his face. "I'll never be able to step foot in public again because of you! You've ruined my life!"

"Don't be so melodramatic," Justin sneered. "Not that many people watch this show anyway. Your friends, on the other hand…"

Bulma screamed with frustration and marched over to Justin's podium, glaring him straight in the eyes. "You're the one who writes all these questions right?! You little twerp, how dare you slander me like this!"

"It's not slander if it actually happened," Justin deadpanned.

"SHUT UP! I will see to it that my lawyers send you AND this host a stern e-mail and my husband sends you both a stern Gallik Gun right at your houses! VEGETA!"

Vegeta's head snapped up- Bulma's screaming is how he gets to sleep lately. "Yes, woman?"

"We're leaving!"

After they fulfilled their promise of leaving, the studio was left shell-shocked. Rarely had they experienced such yelling.

"Well, uhh… now that our brief interruption is over, let's get right back to the game!"

"You're doing it wrong, again," Justin said. "You have to make some kind of sarcastic statement about what just happened. 'Brief interruption' doesn't cut the fuckin' mustard."

"You have your hosting style and I have mine," said Chauncey back in a lower voice.

Before the argument could continue, the entire studio audience as well as viewers at home got assaulted by a DING DONG! "And that sound means the round is over!"

"As well as the game," Justin was quick to point out. "Today's an exhibition match, so no Final Jeopardy."

"I was just going to say…" Chauncey said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, and uh, Tournament Announcer, I won today because you let me distract you. That's another lesson you should learn- don't let motherfuckers distract you."

Chauncey appeared to take Justin's advice to heart, but he was probably all salty inside. "Now that the game is over, please vote for the better host! The cell number to text your vote to is-"

**THE END**


	38. Crane Hermit Pilaf and Snake

**Disclaimer: BragginDoll Z, the show where Goku does battle with an overly arrogant Talking Tina, is not property of nedthejanitor.**

**Today's two new contestants come to you courtesy of brighttalonrose, so 5+ e-points to you. Thanks for the suggestions, and keep them coming if you have more good ones!**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Tom N. Atrix and today's probably going to be about as full of bullshit as the last 37 days," Justin began on a high note. "You'll have to forgive me if I come across as too cynical, but after that love show yesterday I feel the need to double down for a day. Well, I say we introduce the contestants, so they can waste your time too. First we have our returning champion, Crane Hermit."

"I still insist you call me 'Master Crane.'"

"I still insist you suck my dick and slow your roll before I think of a really dirty name to call you. We have, as our second contestant, Emperor Pilaf. Although, I'm going to call him Pilaf, because he won't tell us what the fuck he's emperor of."

"It's very important, though!" Pilaf insisted. "It's a pretty obscure nation, you've probably never heard of it."

"Yeah, you're wacky. Our third contestant is Princess Snake, who won't tell us what the fuck she's princess of. Apparently, between 'Master Crane,' 'Emperor Pilaf' and 'Princess Snake,' today's some kind of unwarranted prestige lightning round. I, for one, welcome our new not-actually overlords."

Princess Snake giggled. "You're cute."

"I know your game, bitch. Let's see the categories."

**ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF WEAK CHARACTERS**

**BETRAYALS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**SPACE**

**SOLAR FLARE**

**THE EYES HAVE IT 2: TRAUMA BOOGALOO**

"Alright, let's have no more hesitation. Crane, you have control of the board."

"Solar Flare for $100."

**This was the first character to use the technique on the show.**

BZZ! "Crane!"

"Who is Tien?"

**Crane: $100**

**Pilaf: $0  
Snake: $0**

"Correct. You have an early lead, much like anyone else who correctly guesses a prompt at the beginning of the show. You can pick yourself another category."

"Solar Flare for $500."

"…That escalated quickly."

**Name the three characters Imperfect Cell used Solar Flare against to get away from an uneven battle situation. **

…BZZT! "Well, surprisingly, nobody could get this one. It's almost as if the $500 questions are really hard, huh? The answers were Piccolo, Krillin and Future Trunks, or Trunks would have also worked. Crane, another category please."

"Solar Flare for $300."

**Krillin used this technique on Namek to evade this powerful opponent.**

…BZZT! "The answer was Frieza. Christ, Crane, if you keep this up you'll be the only one at the end of the game with… any… money…"

Justin saw a smirk slowly develop on Crane's face like he was the Grinch. "Oh, great, I've gone and told you the wrong thing. Go ahead and pick your category."

Crane looked long and hard at the board, pretending he was having a difficult time deciding. In actuality, he was trying to elongate his choice as much as he could so he could keep his lead. Then Justin piped up. "Crane, just so you know, if you take longer than a minute to pick a category, I get to pick it for you and you lose $100. Just keep that in mind."

Crane growled. "Fine. Solar Flare for $200."

**Great Ape Vegeta was incapacitated when this warrior used a Solar Flare on him.**

…BZZT! "Jesus, people. The answer was Goku."

"Oh, I love Goku!" said Princess Snake. Somewhere in the audience, Chi-Chi snarled and elbowed Goku in the ribs. But Goku was too busy eating ribs to notice. You ever see one of those cartoons where someone will stick a whole chicken leg in their mouth and pull out just the bone? That's how my man Goku eats ribs.

"If you guys keep fucking up like this, someone's going to win with only $100. Do you seriously want that? Crane, pick another category."

Crane, once again, made sure to hesitate until nearly the last second, which was more than enough to drive everyone else in the studio up the fucking wall. "As emperor, I order you to pick a category!" screamed Emperor Pilaf, but Crane easily ignored him.

"Solar Flare for $400."

**Semi-Perfect Cell used the technique to stop this warrior from getting in the way of him absorbing Android 18.**

…BZZT! "The answer was Future Trunks. Now, at long last, we can move on to another category. Crane, without further ado…"

Crane started hesitating again. But Emperor Pilaf and Princess Snake were having none of that shit. "Are you going to do this every time?!" Princess Snake said angrily.

"Either pick something or let one of us pick!" Pilaf added.

"Shut up, you fools!" Crane barked. "There's no rule that says I can't take my time deciding the next category!"

"You mean besides manners?" Snake huffed. "I swear, you are such an unpleasant little man. Now, Goku, he wouldn't be doing that if he were up here right now. He'd pick immediately and look so… damn… sexy…"

Once again, Chi-Chi elbowed Goku in the side, but Goku was too engrossed in his gigantic side of beef to care about any of Chi-Chi's bullshit. That man ate.

"Alright, we don't have much time so-" KLANG! "Ohh, that crashing sound means the host gets to pick the category. I am picking The Eyes Have It 2: Electric Boogaloo for $500."

Some grumblings occurred in the audience- this category had gone for weeks without being picked!

**This peculiar feature of Super Saiyan 3 eyes is what helps to set them apart from Super Saiyan 1 and 2 eyes.**

…BZZT! "Unfortunately, no one managed to get that one either. I would say I'm surprised, but I don't think any of our three contestants even know what the fuck a Saiyan is, much less a Super Saiyan."

The contestants looked confused at each other, shrugging. Well, except Snake. Snake was too busy seeking out Goku in the audience so she could wave at him. Chi-Chi saw this, and she elbowed Goku in the junk. He didn't notice, because he was too busy eating some junk he found under his seat. That motherfucker will eat pretty much anything, is what I'm saying.

Justin was ready to step in and demand the next category. But before he could, out of seemingly nowhere came a breaking sound followed by screaming from the ceiling just above the studio.

Mai and Shu came dropping to the ground like two bricks, smacking the ground with sickening cracks and somehow still managing to avoid any serious injury. Because, let's face it, injuring any member of Pilaf's team is like kicking a puppy that just bit you- it may be a bit of an asshole, but give it a break, it's too stupid to understand any differently.

"Pilaf, what the fuck?! This game's over, Crane won!"

**TO BE EXPLAINED LATER…**


	39. Crane Hermit Mai and Shu

**Disclaimer: Thatcherball Z, the story of Margaret Thatcher's stint as PM narrated by Goku, is not owned by nedthejanitor. **

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Seaman Lee King. Today, more guests! Whoop de fucking do! First, our esteemed champion the Crane Hermit, who will be remembered during his days as champion for his sheer, audacious… luck."

"I want to be called-"

"Oh, and he'll also be known for his insistence upon a title that, in the context of the current Z Fighters, is woefully undeserved. Now, today we have another show that's a little bit special, and not just in the usual way. Our other two guests are Mai and Shu…"

"Um… hi." Mai said quietly.

"Hello!" Shu waved at the camera like anyone in his situation would do if they'd been recently dropped on their noggin.

"These two shlubs are going to work to pay off their debt," Justin explained. "They destroyed a good chunk of my ceiling doing what the fuck ever they were trying to do, and all of the money they earn in this game is going to go toward fixing that. For every dollar they're missing by the time they're done, they'll spend one day in jail. Any questions?"

No one had any questions. "Excellent, so let's start the game. The categories are:"

**ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF WEAK CHARACTERS**

**BETRAYALS**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**SPACE**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**AEIOU**

"For those of you curious about that last category, well, it's your prerogative if you want to pick it and find out. Crane, pick one of these suckers."

Crane's face was stuck in a disapproving scowl. None of these categories looked very good. "Betrayals for $100."

**Android 16 cemented his final betrayal against Dr. Gero by attempting to use the bomb in his body, which was meant for Goku, to kill this creation of his.**

"God damn, is that a long prompt," Justin observed. "Anyway, who wants to guess?"

…BZZT! "Well, apparently nobody. The answer was Cell and… it's just dawned on me that all three of you are characters from the original series and you're taking place in a show that's named DBZ Jeopardy, after the following series. Today is going to be a long, long day. Crane, pick a category."

Shu raised his hand, causing Justin to groan. "Well at least you aren't using the buzzer. What is it?"

"Can I use the bathroom right quick?"

"No, Shu, you may not. Crane, pick a category."

"Uh… oh, whatever, AEIOU for $100."

**Before Cell, Dr. Gero's series of powerful cybernetic fighters were all known by this name: A...**

BZZ! "Crane Hermit!"

"What is Android?"

**Crane: $100  
Mai: $0  
Shu: $0**

"Well, congratulations, you are correct. It's not much of an accomplishment, considering your answer was handed to you by the last prompt. But whatever. Pick another."

"Same one for $500."

"Welp."

**The Native American child of one of General Tao's victims: U...**

BZZ! "Crane!"

"Who is Upa?"

**Crane: $600  
Mai: $0  
Shu: $0**

"Very good, you certainly defied my expectations with that one. I guess your brother Tao must have bragged to you about that one, the sadistic bastard."

"Wow, he just killed the kid's dad right in front of him?" Mai asked. "That's… kinda awful, and our boss once tried to kill a bunch of teenagers and their animal friends by cooking them alive."

"For real," Shu added, "your brother needs mental help."

"Okay, enough," Justin sighed. "You're both just feeding the man's ego. Crane, the board still belongs to you."

"I want the same category for $400."

**The man who formerly lived on Fire Mountain: O...**

BZZ! "Mai!"

"Who is Ox King?"

**Crane: $600  
Mai: $400  
Shu: $0**

"Well done, Mai. Only $4,600 left and your debt will be paid. You get to pick a category now."

"Accomplishments of Weak Characters for $100."

"How frighteningly fitting."

Mai fumed. "I picked it for Shu!"

"Hey!" Shu yelled in protest.

**Tien managed to keep this villain at bay long enough for Androids 16 and 18 to escape.**

…BZZT! "No one knew that one, I take it. That's fine; it's not the first time this has happened. Well, wait, that doesn't make it 'fine,' but don't take it too hard. The answer was Cell."

"_I can't believe there was a question about Tien I didn't know the answer to," _the Crane Hermit thought to himself. _"I feel as though I've completely lost track of him!"_

"Hey, Crane, stop staring at nothing with your mouth all open and shit, it's creeping everyone out."

Crane's face turned red. "Well, don't look, then!"

"It's hard not to when your drool is so close to shorting the podium. If you fuck up that podium, I guaran-fucking-tee your money is going to go toward that for a long time."

"And I suppose you think you can make me pay for it the way you made these fools?" Crane smirked, gesturing to Mai and Shu with a sideways nod of the head.

"I can!" said Goku's cheerful voice from the audience. Crane nodded his head and said a quick apology to the host. He was well aware at this point in his old age that even the Goku he saw at the tournaments could whoop his ass, much less the Super Saiyan 3 Goku of present day.

"Okay, we're running out of time, so hurry up and pick a category, Mai."

"The same one as last time for $200."

"Ah, utilizing the time-worn strategy of 'camp on one category until someone else answers correctly and starts the whole process over again with a completely different one.' A bit lengthy name wise, I admit, but who's counting? Nobody, because there's no reason to. Okay, here's the prompt."

**If it weren't for this character talking to the people of Earth, Goku would never have completed the Spirit Bomb that killed Kid Buu.**

…BZZ! "Mai buzzes in at the last second!"

"Who is Mr. Satan?"

**Crane: $600  
Mai: $600  
Shu: $0**

"Excellent job, I didn't think you were going to know that one."

Mai was pleased with herself, having matched the champion's score. "Well, I remember Mr. Satan asking everyone for help to kill Majin Buu, so I-"

"Yeah, no one cares about how you came to the conclusion."

As Mai fumed again, the DING DONG signaling the end of the round went off.

"Ah, it's time for Final Jeopardy! Shu, you have to go, and you better damn well hope Mai wins this or else you're going to jail for 5,000 days."

Shu gulped with fear, leaving.

"Right then. Mai and Crane, your category for Final Jeopardy is…"

**OOZARU**

"Place your bets, please…"

…

"Okay, enough of that shit. Here's the prompt."

**The first time Goku transformed on screen, he was at the mercy of this villain.**

"Start guessing, and don't stop until I tell you to."

…

"Alright, no more. Let's see what you both wrote, starting with Mai…"

**$1**

**Who is Emperor Pilaf? **

"As tempted as I am to dock you points for the smiley, I can accept that answer. Congrats, you better hope Crane didn't know the answer."

"I didn't," Crane sneered. "I also bet $1."

"That means you lose, by two dollars! The smallest margin, I believe, in DBZ Jeopardy history!"

**THE END**


	40. Mai Van Zant and Smitty

**Disclaimer: Gradin'Ball Z, the spin-off series focusing on Gohan's tenure as a high-school teacher grading terrible student essays, is not owned by nedthejanitor. But, once again, that sounds like it'd be a lot of fun to write about. Nedthejanitor should put that on his list, after he makes the list.**

**Thanks for reviews and contestant suggestions! Only ten chapters to go after this…**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Suxen Spitz. Today's our fortieth episode, and personally, I think we're more likely to win a Grammy than an Emmy. We have a new champion this afternoon, in Mai!"

Mai nodded curtly. "It's nice to be back. Though, it'd be better if I could keep my money…"

"You can keep it after you pay off the entire debt you owe, provided you get to that point. Our other two guests are courtesy of hell, like many of the others: Van Zant and Smitty."

"Aye!" Van Zant barked.

"Good afternoon," Smitty said with a slight bow.

"You may recognize these two horrible people as the reason the entire population of earth, save for a handful, was destroyed by Super Buu, a being that would not have been released if they'd just left Fat Buu the fuck alone."

"If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change shit!" Van Zant said. "Well, except that whole 'getting killed' part."

"How delightfully selfish of you to say. The categories today are…"

**DUMBASS MISTAKES OF STRONG CHARACTERS**

**WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK**

**WHAT COLOR IS THEIR BLOOD?**

**SPACE**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

GREATEST BEAM-SLAPS

"Okay, there's your choices for today, Mai. Don't hesitate to pick one out."

"Hrm… I guess When Animals Attack for $100."

**Gohan was lopping chunks of meat off of the tail of this animal during his training with Piccolo.**

…BZZ! "Smitty?"

"What is a dinosaur?"

**Mai: $0  
Van Zant: $0  
Smitty: $100**

"Smitty, you bloody prick!" came the protest of Van Zant. "How did you even know that? You took my fucking money!"

"It was a lucky guess, Van Zant. I'll win the game and give you the money, I told you already!"

"Like fucking hell you will! Do you remember where your fucking money's coming from, you bloated shit weasel? I swear, if you even try to rip me off, I'll burn this whole fucking building to the ground with you in it!"

Justin crossed his arms. "Excuse me? You'll burn down a building full of people who can fly and kill you with one finger? Sheeit. Smitty, the board is now yours, pick a category."

"It better be somethin' I know, Smitty, or I swear to God I'll-"

"What Color is their Blood for $100."

**Starting with Z, Piccolo's blood was this color.**

…BZZ! "Smitty, again."

"What is green?"

**Mai: $0  
Van Zant: $0  
Smitty: $0**

Van Zant proceeded to rage some more. You thought he was done? You thought wrong, nigga. "Smitty, you fucking bloody idiot, you're back down to zero again! Why did you even guess if you didn't know the answer?"

"Because it worked last time! Besides, I remembered King Piccolo from when I was a young boy and I just… well, his skin is green, so I guessed-"

"You keep fucking up like you've been doing, you'll be guessing where I've hidden all your teeth tomorrow morning!"

Justin crossed his arms again. "You know, Mr. Smitty, I might be willing to offer you a job if you want to get away from this asshole."

Smitty did a scowl. "Now, look, I won't have you saying unkind words about the young master. I can handle myself just fine."

"Okay, man. Your call. Pick another category."

"The blood category again. This time, let's try $400."

Van Zant exploded. "What the fuck, Smitty?! If you get this wrong, you'll go down to 400 fucking dollars!"

But Smitty would not be deterred. A brave soul, indeed, to stand up to a man as built as Van Zant. "Blood for $400."

**Frieza spit up this color of blood when Super Saiyan Goku delivered a crushing punch to his stomach.**

…BZZT! "No one knew that one? How fucking surprising, especially when you consider the fact that not one fucking person in this game right now even knows what a saiyan is. Anyway, the answer was maroon, but red would have been acceptable because who the fuck would have even said maroon?"

Mai had a statement, and by God she was going to state it. Like a real senior citizen should. Have I mentioned she's pretty old by this point? Yeah, I've neglected to mention it, so sorry if you've been thinking of the young Mai from Dragonball, but this is wrinkly-ass end-of-Z Mai we're talking here. And if you've been thinking of Mai from Yu-Gi-Oh, then hoo boy, you're in the wrong fucking section.

Uh, anyway, she said, "Well, why don't you just tailor the categories to make them stuff we could know?"

"Yeah, and why don't I just give you the money and service all your genitals while I'm at it? Make your life easier."

"Are you calling me a whore?!"

"Lady, at your age, I wouldn't think of it. Smitty, pick a category."

"Might as well give me blood again, for $200."

**Saiyans bleed this color.**

BZZ! "Smitty!"

"What is red?"

**Mai: $0  
Van Zant: $0  
Smitty: $200**

"That is correct. How did you guess that?"

"Because in the last question, it mentioned 'Super Saiyan Goku' and I remembered Goku from one of the last World Martial Arts Tournaments. I saw him bleed too."

"Ahh, I see, so you put those facts together. That's some good detectivin'."

"Thank you."

It was Van Zant's turn to pipe up. "Excellent going, Smitty. You keep the good work up, I may give you 10% of the prize money instead of 5%!"

It was Justin's turn to p- oh, wait, I used that one. "You're only going to give him $10 out of the 200 he just earned himself, without any of your input?"

"Hey, I said I might give him $20!"

Justin wasn't listening to Van Zant. "Smitty, my offer stands. I don't know how much money this jackass pays you to be his buttboy, but I can do my best to match it. And even if you do get less pay, I guarantee you I'll treat you better. I mean, I'm kind of an asshole, but I can be… well, I can be okay sometimes, depending on whether you talk to Cell or 18."

"And I've already told you, young man, I won't have you bad mouthing the boss! You could never understand my loyalty to his family over the years. Now let's get on with this, you're holding up the game."

"Yeah, I know I'm holding things up a little, but at the same time I'm kinda worried about you."

"That's enough, I said!" Smitty's face was getting a bit red. "One more crack at Van Zant, I'll forfeit this game!"

"Fine, fine, pick a category. Geez, you try and help a guy…"

"Blood for $300."

**What color did Zarbon bleed?**

…BZZT! "The answer was green." DING DONG! "That sound means the first round is up." BRRRRING! "Oh, that's my alarm, I forgot to reset it. Sorry."

After Justin reset his alarm, he got back to business. "Well, since Smitty is the only one with any money, I must declare him the new champion by default. Mai, I'd like to say you did well, but after Crane, y'know…"

"I understand."

**THE END**


	41. Smitty Nam and Monster Carrot

**Disclaimer: Desertball Z, the spin-off show with Nam as the hero instead of Goku, is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

**Thank you to brighttalonrose for your suggestions of Nam and Monster Carrot.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!  
_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Saul T. Cummings. Today, I'm going to begin another one of my sentences with the word 'today.' More importantly, I'm going to introduce today's contestants. First we have our returning champion, Smitty."

"Yes, hi." Smitty said awkwardly.

"Indeed. Our second contestant on today's show is Nam, who you all may recognize as a contestant in at least one World Martial Arts Tournament, and maybe another but I don't remember."

"Hello," Nam said.

"A real talker, this one. Tell us, Nam, why have you decided to participate today?"

"Because my village is poor and dying of thirst."

"Has your village ever considered, I dunno, moving somewhere else?"

"My people have lived in the desert for many, many centuries."

"Well, yeah, tradition's great and all that, but-"

"If we don't have water, do you really think we have the money necessary to move us all out of the fucking desert?"

Justin made a funny face. "Jeez, someone's a bit snippy."

"I apologize."

"Eh, don't kill yourself over it. Next-"

"I don't intend to. Thank you."

"…Okay. Good. So, lastly we have- who the fuck are you, anyway?"

The third contestant spoke up. "I am Monster Carrot."

"You're a giant bunny rabbit."

"How observant. But I am also Monster Carrot."

"Well, I'm glad that's working out for you. How was your time on the moon?"

"You ever see that one Bugs Bunny clip where Elmer Fudd doesn't actually fall until he learns what gravity is? Well, it was like that with me. As soon as I remembered that rabbits couldn't breathe on the moon, I nearly died. Thankfully, I did die, and now I have a halo and live in hell. Hell's nice. Would you like a carrot?"

"Uh, no thanks…" Justin looked like he was ready to run out of the studio. "Let's just have a look at the categories for today."

**DUMBASS MISTAKES OF STRONG CHARACTERS**

**WHEN ASSHOLES ATTACK CHILDREN**

**NAME THREE CHARACTERS WITH THIS SKIN COLOR**

**SPACE**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**GREATEST BEAM-SLAPS**

"Okay, Smitty, the board is yours."

"Uh, I'll take Name Three Characters With This Skin Color for $100."

**White**

BZZ! "Nam."

"Who are Goku, Jackie Chun and Ranfan?"

**Smitty: $0  
Nam: $100  
Monster Carrot: $0**

"Impressive, Nam. And exactly how much of Ranfan's skin have you seen to justify your claim that she's white-skinned?"

"Uhm… lots. I've seen lots of it."

Justin grinned. "It just hasn't left your mind, has it?"

"Not… not really…"

"Ha ha! I understand." Justin was just relieved that someone managed to make some money. With a cast of characters like this one, it was hard to say if any prompts would be answered successfully. "Well, Nam, the board's yours now, so pick something good."

"I want to try the skin color one again. For $200."

**Green**

BZZ! "Monster Carrot?"

"Who are Piccolo, Kami and Dende?"

**Smitty: $0**

**Nam: $100**

**Monster Carrot: $200**

"Damn, Monster Carrot, how did you even gain access to that kind of information?"

"Well, it's quite simple," said Monster Carrot with a tweak of his whiskers. "I watch TV. Hell TV. The Goku Channel, to be specific. It's pretty much all I do, when I'm not offering carrots to visitors from the Torture Council."

Justin's eyebrows went up. Hell was a subject he had some interest in, what with his likelihood of going there. "Interesting. Do they actually take those carrots?"

"Yes, but they don't… really eat them, they, uh… I'd like it if we stopped talking about the Torture Council. I don't know why you brought them up."

"Huh? But you're the one who-"

"I SAID STOP!"

Justin flinched. "Okay, okay, pick a category. God damn."

"Skin color for $500."

**Purple**

BZZ! "Monster Carrot!"

"Who are Android 15, Bills and… uh, shit-" BZZT!

**Smitty: $0**

**Nam: $100**

**Monster Carrot: -$300**

"I'm sorry, but shit is neither purple nor a DBZ character. You may have been looking for King Cold. Or perhaps Cui."

"Nerts!"

"No, Cui. Say it with me: KOO. EEE. Pick another category."

"Skin color for $300."

**Black**

BZZ! "Monster Carrot, yet again!"

"Who are Assistant Black, Mr. Popo and… uhh…" BZZT!

**Smitty: $0**

**Nam: $100**

**Monster Carrot: -$600**

"I'm sorry, but 'uhh' is not a character. Maybe you were looking for that black boxer guy from the World Martial Arts Tournaments. Though, I can't really blame you for not guessing that- I don't even fucking remember that guy's name."

"BLAST IT ALL!" Monster Carrot raged and stomped his rabbit feet in a circle. Eventually, in a matter of seconds, he calmed himself.

"You done, there?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now I know how my brothers felt every time they'd beat eight-year-old me at Mario Kart 64. Pick a category."

"Skin color."

"For $400, here it is."

**Pink**

"I should let you know before you start guessing, you can't say Buu more than once, regardless of his many forms. Okay, go."

BZZ! "Of course, Monster Carrot."

"Who are Majin Buu, Dodoria and Buyon?"

**Smitty: $0**

**Nam: $100**

**Monster Carrot: -$200**

"Congratulations, you managed to get through that entire column, and it only cost you $200! That would be great if this show worked on golf rules, where negative means good."

"Thank you and fuck you."

"You're welcome and back at 'cha. You still have control of the board, so pick our new category."

"Greatest Beam Slaps for $100."

**One of Gohan's many ways of flexing his new Super Saiyan 2 powers was when he slapped this attack of Cell's away.**

BZZ! "Monster Carrot!"

"What is the Special Beam Cannon?"

**Smitty: $0**

**Nam: $100**

**Monster Carrot: -$100**

"Good! You get to pick another category as your award. Hurry up, though, 'cause we're getting close to the end of the first round."

"Same category for $300."

**Vegeta proved his superior power not five minutes after arriving on Namek by deflecting the attack of this opponent.**

…BZZT! "The answer was Cui."

"Darn it!" Monster Carrot yelled. "That's the second time Cui appeared in an answer! This is a conspiracy."

"This is a coincidence. Calm your ass and pick another category."

"Same for $200."

**One of Piccolo's many ways of flexing his new Super Namek powers was when he slapped this attack of Cell's away.**

BZZ! "Smitty."

"What is the Special Beam Cannon?"

**Smitty: $200**

**Nam: $100**

**Monster Carrot: -$100**

"That is correct, congratulations on getting yourself in the game at the last minute! Oh, but you still have a little bit of time left, so go on ahead and pick a category."

"Okay, uhhh…" Smitty looked at the category board and realized he had no idea what he would know of all of that shit. "Just give me the same category for $400."

**When Frieza deflected this fighter's strongest beam, it was less of a slap and more of a kick.**

BZZ! "Monster Carrot!"

"Who is Vegeta?"

**Smitty: $200**

**Nam: $100**

**Monster Carrot: $300**

"Good for you! It's amazing how you knew that, but you don't know who Cui is."

"Well, the thing is, I only started watching at the time Goku arrived on Namek and was fighting Jeice and Burter. Cause, see, they'd only show reruns of the stuff before that, so they'd always get up to that point and start over again with Raditz for some awful reason, and after the fiftieth time they did that, I swore I'd never watch those old episodes again after the new ones started eventually. So… yeah, I've forgotten most of that stuff."

DING DONG! "Well, Monster Carrot," Justin sighed, "while you were babbling the last seconds of the first round expired. And for the first time in what feels like several weeks, we're going to have all three contestants participating in Final Jeopardy! Now, I'm stoked for this, so let's get right on with it. The category is…"

**CHIAOTZU**

"Now place your bets!"

…

"Excellent bet placing! Now let's see the prompt…"

**Chiaotzu sacrificed himself by exploding in a futile attempt to destroy this villain.**

"Now place your answers."

…

"Even better answer placing! Man, those words didn't feel like they belonged together, but who cares! It's the moment of truth. Monster Carrot, your bet was…"

**$1**

"Only a buck? Well, with what you just got through telling me, it's understandable. Your answer was…"

**Who is Nappa?**

"Good job, you managed to guess that correctly!"

Monster Carrot, who had been sulking a bit up to that point, lit up like a joint (happy 420 everyone). "Really?! Yay!"

"Yep. Now let's see Nam, you wagered…"

**$1**

"Aw, jeez, Nam. Well, I guess you probably don't know who Chiaotzu is. You answered…"

**Who is King Piccolo?**

"A valiant attempt, but I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Unless Smitty did well, and I'm sure he didn't, it looks like we have a new champ. Smitty…"

**$1**

"Jesus, is this the Unbelievable Pussy Panel or what? Did y'all leave your tutus at home? Do I need to call your grandmothers to pick you up after the show? God damn. You answered…"

**Who is Buu?**

"Also incorrect! Monster Carrot is- hey, wait, SMITTY NO-"

But it was too late; Smitty had taken out a pistol and shot himself in the head, unable to face Van Zant with his failure. A deafening roar of terror issued out of the audience, but Justin had just one thing to say:

"Can someone go out and gather the dragonballs?"

**THE END**


	42. Monster Carrot Burter and Pigero

**Disclaimer: DragonbuttZ, the Furry Network's newest original wank-fest sitcom, is not nedthejanitor's. **

**Thanks yet again to brighttalonrose for the suggestion of Burter and jcogginsa for the suggestion of Pigero. Y'all both keep it real.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Wolf N. Downcox. The N stands for 'no.' Before we begin, I'd like to discuss yesterday's tragic suicide. We revived that fool. Now, with no further announcements, let's start the show. Our contestants are new returning champion Monster Carrot…"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Monster Carrot said in his best Fat Albert impression while he raised them in the air like he just didn't care. His ears, I mean.

"Please never, ever do that again. Today's second contestant is Burter, who I can't believe we haven't had on the show yet since we're in the throes of trawling the bottom of the character list for one-episode guys like… well, Monster Rabbit."

Burter, of course, did an absurd pose. What did you think he was going to do, shave his head? Fool's bald. "Burter of the Ginyu Force!"

"Yes, thank you very much for letting everyone know what, uh, force you belong to. That's important information. Our final contestant is Pigero."

"Yeah…" The now middle-aged Pigero said with as much forced enthusiasm as he could… force.

"Yeah, indeed. I didn't even remember you existed until today. Pigero, for those of you who aren't aware, was that one guy that Gohan met while he was training with Piccolo. Pigero was the guy trying to keep a village full of orphans from being adopted. And he was portrayed as a hero for this. Dragonball Z, ladies and gentlemen."

"Smart ass…" muttered Pigero.

"Today's categories are…"

**DUMBASS MISTAKES OF STRONG CHARACTERS**

**WHEN ASSHOLES ATTACK CHILDREN**

**TIME**

**SPACE**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**THE CELL GAMES**

"Monster Carrot, you can start us off."

"I would like The Cell Games for $500."

"Starting off with a category only you would have knowledge of? You smooth bastard, you."

**The very first person to challenge Cell.**

…BZZT! "Well, you're all wrong. It was… uh…" Justin looked at his cards briefly. "Ah, here it is. Curoni. I should probably get him and Piroshki to be on the show. That'd be pretty funny. Anyway, Monster Carrot, the board is still yours."

"Same category for $400."

"Still confident? Damn, son, you're either brave or… well, actually, you don't get penalized like you do on the original show for picking a category and then not trying to answer. So, you're just wasting everyone's time. Like me."

**One of the Cell Jrs briefly held this character hostage in an attempt to prevent Gohan from killing him.**

BZZ! "Burter!"

"Who is Baldy?"

"Specify which one."

"Who is Krillin?"

**Monster Carrot: $0  
Burter: $400  
Pigero: $0**

"That is correct! I'm impressed, Burter."

"It was a guess. I figured, if anyone's weak enough to get held hostage, it's baldy."

"And you would be right. Pick yourself a category, Burter."

"I'll take 'When Assholes Attack Children' for $100."

**Cell made a concentrated effort to beat an explosion of power out of this youngster.**

BZZ! "Burter, again!"

"Who is Gohan?"

**Monster Carrot: $0  
Burter: $500  
Pigero: $0**

"Damn, Burter, you're really on top of things today."

Burter did a celebratory pose, and Justin's goodwill immediately vanished. "I've seen that kid explode with power before."

"That you have. Take another pick."

"Same one for $200."

**Krillin was killed for the very first time by this henchman of King Piccolo.**

BZZ! "Monster Carrot."

"Who is Tambourine?"

**Monster Carrot: $200  
Burter: $500  
Pigero: $0**

"Congrats, you're back in the game and you have the board. Pick something real swell."

"I want the Cell Games again, for $300."

"Haven't had enough of losing in that category yet?"

"Shut up! I'll answer correctly, those two were just flukes!"

"Jesus. You know, it's always a fluke with you people."

Monster Carrot's face turned red, but you couldn't tell because he had fur. "You people?! I will have you know something, us rabbits have contributed-"

"I meant DBZ characters, you fuckwit."

Goku stood up in the audience. "Us DBZ characters have contributed greatly to society! Also, Monster Carrot isn't even a DBZ character; he's a DB character! Much less Z-ier than us!"

Justin put his hands up like that Neil DeGrasse Tyson meme. "Okay, fine, I get it, I'm sorry. It's not like you weren't a 'DB' character once, too, Goku."

"Good point. I'm sorry too."

"Thank you. Monster Carrot, please just pick a category."

"I already did!"

"Oh… what was it?"

"Cell Games for $300!"

"Ah, trying your bad luck again, hrm?"

Burter snapped. "You've already snarked on his choice of category, just fucking get on with it!"

"…'Kay."

**Goku used this move in tandem with the Kamehameha wave to destroy half of Cell's body.**

BZZ! "Pigero?"

"You need to check your facts man. Hercule was the guy who defeated Cell, not Goku."

**Monster Carrot: $200  
Burter: $500  
Pigero: -$400**

"Pigero, your answer was wrong in many, many different ways that would take too long to explain to you. So I'll just say your 'answer,' for lack of a better word, was incorrect and lost you an extra 100 because you didn't phrase it in the form of a question."

"…Uh, okay, then."

"Anyone else want a crack at it?" BZZ! "Monster Carrot!"

"What is the Instant Transmission technique?"

**Monster Carrot: $500  
Burter: $500  
Pigero: -$400**

"That is correct."

Before Justin could get another word out, Monster Carrot turned to Pigero, bending over the podium to see him. "Hey, man, do you really not remember when Goku blew up half of Cell at the tournament and Cell just got back up?"

Pigero smacked his forehead in a 'duh' moment. "Oh, yeah! I remember that now! It was pretty impressive, but man, I'm glad Hercule stepped in. That Goku guy was clearly not good enough to finish the job."

Justin could tell that Monster Carrot was itching for a serious debate with Pigero, and while that was obviously something he had coming, it couldn't come here and now. After all, without Hercule's blackmail checks, there's no way Justin could pay his rent. Hell, he couldn't pay them WITH the checks. CDs are just too damn expensive these days.

"Monster Carrot, stop dicking around. Pick something right now."

Monster Carrot eased away from the podium and sighed. "Whatever. Cell Games for $200."

**The number of Cell Jrs that were unleashed upon the Z Warriors.**

BZZ! "Pigero!"

"What is seven?"

**Monster Carrot: $500  
Burter: $500  
Pigero: -$200**

"Oh, look at Pigero everyone!" Monster Carrot said mockingly. "He knows how to count to seven, but he doesn't know person who really killed-"

Justin's fist crashed onto the podium in a last ditch effort to shut up the zealous rabbit. "If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: shut the fuck up, Monster Carrot. If you interrupt one more time, I'm draining your earnings over the course of the game and having you Final Flashed by Vegeta. And you wish I meant the energy beam."

"Sorry," was Monster Carrot's meek reply. Because whether you're a man, woman, or of another species, there's one thing you share with all living creatures- the desire to not see Vegeta's cock. This is the exact reason Bulma was legally reclassified as her own special species- she carries the distinction of being the only earthly lifeform to willingly submit to Vegeta's meat and two veg. Honestly, I'm tempted to just keep dragging this paragraph out just to find out how many euphemisms for penis I can remember from the top of my head (heh, head), but enough of this buffoonery, Let's move back on to DBZ Co- er, Jeopardy.

"Pigero, you now have control of the board," Justin announced, "so get a move on, we only have time for one more prompt."

"Cell Games for $100."

**A crippling gut punch caused Cell to throw this up.**

BZZ! "Monster Carrot!"

"Who is Android 18?"

**Monster Carrot: $600  
Burter: $500  
Pigero: -$200**

"Correct! Another $100 for Monster Carrot, and that's the end of the first round! Sorry, Pigero, but Final Jeopardy will be going on without you."

"That's okay with me," said Pigero as he donned sunglasses seemingly out of nowhere, "I was just here to troll Monster Carrot anyway. Mad props to Gohan for killing Cell. Smell ya later." Then he jumped into a car that had suddenly materialized right behind him and drove through a wall of the studio, falling several stories to his death as a result.

Justin blinked. "Well, can't say I was expecting that. Let's move on. Today's Final Jeopardy category is…"

**PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEFEATED GOKU**

"Begin betting." … "Betting over. Here's the prompt."

**This item was the only thing stopping General Tao's Dodon Ray from killing young Goku.**

"Begin writing answers." … "Answering over. Here's the- oh, sorry, I got into a rhythm. It's time to check answers. Burter…"

**$100**

**What is his tail?**

"Oh, I'm sorry, but that's not correct. It was a valiant effort. Let's see what Monster Carrot wrote…"

**$600**

**What is a Dragonball?**

"Congratulations, Monster Carrot, you've gained $1,200!"

Monster Carrot did a triumphant waltz in place. "I am the smartest rabbit alive!"

"The sad thing is, that's actually true."

**THE END**


	43. Monster Carrot Curoni and Piroshki

**Disclaimer: WagginBall Z, the adorable new Animal Planet special where likely-suicidal dogs are dressed up to look like DBZ characters and paraded around on national television, is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm I.B. Packen and we're going to have a great show this evening. Let's get right to the point. Our first contestant is returning as champion for the second time. Give it up for Monster Carrot, and by give it up I mean give up trying to feign enthusiasm for these fucking introductions."

"Uh, yeah," Monster Carrot said with real awkwardness. He had no idea how to follow up the host's frustration over introductions.

"Uh, yeah," Justin mimicked. "Next up, we have Caroni."

The audience looked confusedly at a blank podium as Justin did an inward sigh and recited his lines with as little enthusiasm as possible. "Oh, no, where is the second contestant. Do we need to look-"

On cue, a door opened on the floor right behind the podium and out jumped Caroni, who went up so high he almost touched the ceiling. As he fell, he let out a piercing falsetto wail and landed… _almost _where he needed to land. Unfortunately, "almost" only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades so Caroni fell crotch-first on the podium. His piercing falsetto wail turned into a blood-curdling tenor shriek and he dropped to the ground, clutching his genitals like they were his only child. In a really roundabout way, they could even be called that.

"Well, that spectacle was embarrassing from every possible angle. Let's move on to the third contestant, Piroshki, and hope that doesn't happen again."

Piroshki, who was already at his podium, screamed his name and grabbed the podium from both sides. He successfully ripped it from the ground as Justin looked on in surprised fury.

"What the fuck?! Put that down right now! Drop it!"

Piroshki grumbled and set the podium down just like it was.

"Push the buzzer so I know it works."

He did. It worked.

"Draw something for me so I know the touchscreen works."

Piroshki drew a penis. It worked.

"Consider yourself lucky, motherfucker. Let's look at the category board before any more equipment comes close to being ruined."

**DUMBASS MISTAKES OF STRONG CHARACTERS**

**RED RIBBON ARMY OFFICIALS**

**TIME**

**SPACE**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

EMO SHIT

"Time for shit to kick into high gear. Monster Carrot, pick a category."

Piroshki randomly buzzed in. Careful observers could note Justin's eyelid twitching. "Yes, Piroshki?"

"Why not Piroshki pick an category?"

"Because Piroshki hasn't won a game yet. Piroshki hasn't even answered a fucking question yet. Piroshki's one and only action so far has been to nearly destroy one of these podiums. This means that Piroshki so far has almost earned negative dollars and should shut up and let the game get started."

Piroshki pretty much stopped listening after the first sentence. "Okay."

"Good. Monster Carrot, please start us off."

"Space for $100."

**A storm in the middle of space caused Goku's gravity machine on his spaceship to jump up to this number.**

…BZZ! "Monster Carrot."

"What is 100?"

**Monster Carrot: $100  
Curoni: $0  
Piroshki: $0**

"That is correct. Pretty funny that you gained 100 by answering 100. Actually, it isn't funny at all. Pick another category."

"Space for $200."

**Despite Frieza's insistence that Saiyans can't breathe in space, Vegeta was able to for a short time while he was destroying this planet.**

…BZZT! "The answer was Arlia. Monster Carrot, I'm surprised you didn't know that."

"Are you kidding? I skipped pretty much everything between Raditz and the Saibamen. Good God, how could anyone have watched all that? Wasn't it like twenty episodes? A lot of good animes don't even get that many episodes in total!"

As someone who did watch all that, Justin crossed his arms and huffed. "Hey, it's not like we had anything any better to do! Pick another category before you insult my child self further."

"Space for $300."

**Because of this thing in space, Garlic Jr was able to escape the dead zone.**

…BZZT! "The correct answer was Makyu star. Is that another season you skipped, Monster Carrot?"

"Yeah. Because, fucking seriously, going from Frieza to Garlic Jr?"

"…Got a point there. Pick again, Monster Carrot."

"Space for $400."

**Cooler's sun-ravaged body was absorbed into a bunch of space junk and became this space entity.**

…BZZT! "Oh, come on, Monster Carrot, not even the Cooler specials?"

"They ain't canon."

"Yes they are. Urgh. The answer was The Big Getti star. This has been a four prompt round so far and nobody has tried to answer any prompts except the first one."

"Get better prompts, then," Curoni sassed.

"Oh, like you'd fucking know any of them anyway."

"Hey, you're the one who invited Piroshki and I."

"…I concede to that point as well. Man, if today were debate class, I'd get an F. Let's get this show back on the rails, Monster Carrot. Pick a category."

"Do you even need to ask what I'm going to choose?"

"Well, as a formality, yes."

"Space for $500."

**Name three planets from the show that aren't Earth, Namek, New Namek or Vegeta.**

BZZ! "Piroshki?!"

"What are Arlia, Shick, and Yardrat?"

**Monster Carrot: $100  
Curoni: $0  
Piroshki: $500**

"God damn, Piroshki, I'm stunned," said Justin as Monster Carrot pouted, only narrowly having missed buzzing in for that answer. "How on earth did you actually know all those?"

"I was freelance astronomer before becoming student of Hercule."

"Wow, never judge a book by its cover. I'm very impressed, Piroshki."

"That's what all the bitches tell me," Piroshki said with a high-pitched giggle.

"What the fuck. Well, anyway, we have time for one more category, so pick quickly."

"Emo Shit for $100."

**Vegeta cried as he prepared to be murdered by this villain.**

BZZ! "Mons-"

"Frieza!"

**Monster Carrot: -$100  
Curoni: $0  
Piroshki: $500**

"Sorry, but you failed to answer in the form of a question."

"NOOO!" Monster Carrot bellowed in rage. "YOU CAN'T TAKE MY CHAMPIONSHIP AWAY FROM ME! I'LL TURN YOU INTO A CARROT! I'LL-"

He couldn't finish, for Piroshki had just sat on him.

**THE END**


	44. Piroshki Grandpa Gohan and Cpt Yellow

**Disclaimer: DraftinBall Z, the show where the Z Fighters spend all their time arguing about sports teams instead of saving the earth from villains, is not owned by nedthejanitor. Thank fucking God, because his nerd fingers would lock up every time he had to write dialogue.  
**

**Thanks to jcogginsa for suggesting Grandpa Gohan and FINALS ARE OVER YOU BITCHES HOW YA LIKE ME NOW excuse me that just slipped out. **

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Johnny Cockring. Today we have two new contestants, like every other day except the first one where we had three new contestants. Excited? Didn't think so. First guest is returning champion Piroshki."

"GRAAAGH!" Piroshki let out a manic yell and beat his chest with ape-like precision. Justin just sighed with relief that he didn't pull the podium out of the ground once again.

"Excellent introduction. Our second contestant is Grandpa Gohan, who is- why the fuck are you wearing a rabbit mask anyway?"

"I enjoy the way I look with it on," said Grandpa Gohan over the cheers and clapping of Goku in the audience.

"Well, I guess we all have our little quirks, like wearing rabbit masks and being dead. Finally, we have with us Captain Yellow, whose claim to fame is being murdered by Bora."

"Hey!" Captain Yellow barked, which was weird since he's a big cat. "You aren't even going to go over my accomplishments?!"

"Obviously you haven't watched this show before. Let's see the categories."

**DUMBASS MISTAKES OF STRONG CHARACTERS**

**RED RIBBON ARMY OFFICIALS**

**TIME**

**DEATH AUDIO CLUES**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**OOOH, WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?**

"Man, that one new category is really morbid," Justin mused aloud. "Piroshki, now you actually get to pick the first category. Make it a wise choice."

"…The third one for $100."

"…You don't know how to read, do you?"

"No. Too many hits to head."

"Then how did you pick Emo Shit last time?"

"You read categories and I remember that one."

"Alright, fine. You picked Time for $100, is this okay?"

"Yes."

**This is how long one day in the outside world lasts in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.**

BZZ! "Grandpa Gohan."

"What is one year?"

**Piroshki: $0  
Grandpa Gohan: $100  
Captain Yellow: $0**

"Good work. Have you actually gone in there before?"

"Yes, but oh, it was much too difficult. I couldn't stay in there but for a few days."

"A few days inside the chamber or out?"

"What do you think?"

"…In?"

Grandpa Gohan smiled. "Someone's underestimating me. That's a very dangerous thing to do."

Justin pursed his lips, trying to figure out if he should be amused or intimidated, until at last he realized he didn't give a fuck. "Pick a category, please."

"Ooh, dear, let's see. Why not Time again for $200?"

"Yeah …why not?"

"Exactly."

"Okay."

**Trunks gave the Z Warriors this much time to prepare for the Androids. **

…BZZT! "Oh, it appears that no one knew the answer to that one. The answer was three years. Grandpa Gohan, pick again."

"I don't lose any money for that?"

"No, this isn't real Jeopardy. We have some different rules."

"What blasphemy! You should consider making that different!"

"Look, man, we have reasons for that. If we docked points every time some DBZ character who only showed up in one saga didn't know the answer to a prompt, nobody would have anything by the end of the game. We're dealing with a very particular set of information here. Now let's not discuss this any further- I'd rather not waste any more time."

"Time? That reminds me, Time for $300."

"Cool."

**Cell-**

"Hold it right there," Captain Yellow demanded. He pulled out an AK-47, and everyone- well about half of- okay, nobody ducked or screamed or anything like that. Let's get serious here; no one in that room has any good reason to be scared of an assault rifle. "I'm taking that category board over and I want the second category for $500."

Justin sighed. "No, Yellow. You don't get that."

Captain Yellow pulled the trigger but the gun exploded in his hands, for Grandpa Gohan bent the barrel of the gun upward without Yellow even noticing. Captain Yellow was rendered unconscious and two contestants remained.

"Well, that was humiliating for Captain Yellow. Let's go ahead with the same prompt."

**Cell gave the DBZ warriors this amount of time to train for the Cell Games. **

BZZ! "Piroshki!"

"What is nine days?"

**Piroshki: -$300  
Grandpa Gohan: $100**

"I'm sorry, but you're a little off. Anyone else want a shot?"

…BZZT! "I guess not, jeez." Justin sighed. "The answer was ten days. Gohan, another category please."

"Well, I'll take Red Ribbon Army Officials for $100, in honor of that large cat-man that was just expelled."

"Wow, that's really stupid. Neither you or Piroshki can answer any of these questions because you weren't around for that shit."

"The contestant is always right."

"Actually, in my experience, the contestant fucks up a whole lot sometimes."

"Just give me the prompt please, young man."

**This Red Ribbon Army general had the power to freeze and control certain objects.**

…BZZT! "Yeah, see, what'd I just get through saying? None of you guys could have known that one."

Grandpa Gohan sagely crossed his arms. He was still wearing a fucking rabbit mask, though, so he didn't look like a wise man. "Well, it doesn't hurt to try."

"In this case, that's true. But if you were on the real Jeopardy program, it would have."

"You aren't good enough for the real Jeopardy program."

Justin looked hurt for a brief second. "Wh-whatever dude, just pick another category."

"Time for $400."

**The amount of time the Z Warriors had to prepare for the arrival of the saiyans.**

…BZZT! "Once again, no one answers. You guys are setting some kind of a record for least amount of answered prompts, I swear to God. The answer was one year. Grandpa Gohan, once again the board is yours."

"Oh, the whole board is mine? Can I take it back to the underworld with me?"

"What the fuck? No, that's not what I meant. You're still allowed to pick one of the categories."

Grandpa Gohan scratched his chin, which was stupid because he was just scratching a mask. "Time for $500."

**The amount of time between the Cell and Buu sagas.**

BZZ! "Piroshki!"

"What is seven years?"

**Piroshki: $200  
Grandpa Gohan: $100**

"Excellent work, Piroshki, you've managed to jump out of the hole and into the lead with just one prompt. Now the category board is yours, but hurry up- we only have time for one more before Final Jeopardy."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that," Grandpa Gohan said. "I don't plan on sticking around for Final Jeopardy."

Justin's expression froze and he cocked his head to the side like a curious puppy, "…Run that by me again?"

"I don't want to play Final Jeopardy. I just appeared on the show to have a little fun. Everyone knows Final Jeopardy sucks anyway."

"Final Jeopardy does not suck!" Justin sharply replied. "Final Jeopardy is a perfectly good ending for the game! If you aren't going to take this seriously, then get out!"

Grandpa Gohan shrugged and walked away, having never taken that silly rabbit mask off.

"Well, I guess this makes you the winner again, Piroshki."

"…I don't feel like I really earned it."

"Well, that's because you didn't."

**THE END**


	45. Piroshki Sauza and Spice

**Disclaimer: ThugginBall Z, where Goku shoots a Kamehameha out of his piece (homie), is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

**Well, folks, we're at the home stretch. After this, just five more chapters before the end. Thanks again to people who review. **

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Dwayne N. Balls and I'm almost done with this bullshit. Thank goodness, because all of these joke names are starting to confuse my senile grandparents." Justin pauses for a second. "Senile grandparents, if that statement offended you, just remember: toothy bedroom apples. Our returning champion, Piroshki, joins us live from right behind that first podium."

"Hi," he said curtly, a man all business.

"Hi to you too. Our second contestant is Sauza, the leader of Cooler's Armored Squadron."

Sauza flicked some hair back out of his face all pop-star like, and all the ladies in the audience swooned. Well, actually, only one lady swooned. And it was Puar. And she was swooning at pictures of Gary Busey on her smartphone. But for Sauza, it counted.

"Very good. Finally, we have Spice, the leader of Garlic Jr's Spice Boys, joining us."

Spice's arms had been crossed for the last… ever since he showed up on set, and it worried no one, but it was still strange. "Yeah, yeah, nice to be here."

"With an attitude like that, I expect nothing short of great things out of you. Let's take a peek at today's categories. They are these:"

**DUMBASS MISTAKES OF STRONG CHARACTERS**

**THE TEN DAYS BEFORE THE CELL GAMES**

**FUCK GT**

**DEATH AUDIO CLUES**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**OOOH, WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?**

"Okay, Piroshki, you have the board."

"The Ten Days Before The Cell Games for $500."

"I might have known."

**The tree Goku brought his friends to collect apples from had a hole in it because of this character.**

BZZ! "Sauza!"

"Who is Frieza!"

**Piroshki: $0  
Sauza: -$500  
Spice: $0**

"Nope, that's pretty damn wrong. Anyone else?"

BZZ! "Spice."

"Sauza is an idiot. It's obviously Garlic Jr."

**Piroshki: $0  
Sauza: -$500  
Spice: -$600**

"Who are you calling an idiot?!" Sauza snapped. "You didn't even answer in the form of a question!"

"It's just lucky for you I don't understand your accent, otherwise you'd be in some shit, little man!"

Both squad leaders stared each other down, making growly faces but not doing much of anything. You know, like pretty much every Dragonball Z fight.

"We have to move on," Justin said. "While you two were arguing, the prompt ran out of time. The answer was Gohan, just for reference. Your bosses aren't responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened. Piroshki, pick again."

"The same category for $400."

**This character had a birthday during the 10-day wait.**

BZZ! "Oh, Sauza, I wonder what you're going to answer with."

"Who is Cooler?"

**Piroshki: $0  
Sauza: -$900  
Spice: -$600**

"Ooh, you answered with your actual boss this time, rather than your boss' little brother. You still were wrong. I'm going to go ahead and make this easy for both of you, though I don't normally do this: none of the prompts in this category have anything to do with Frieza, Cooler or Garlic Jr. It won't help you much, now that you and Spice are collectively $1,500 in the toilet, but still. Anyone else want a shot?"

BZZ! "Spice?"

"Who is Krillin?"

**Piroshki: $0  
Sauza: -$900  
Spice: -$1000**

"Nope. Piroshki?"

"No idea."

"The answer was Gohan. Piroshki, the board's yours again."

"The same category again for $300."

**This character vowed to destroy Cell and showed off his strength by ripping a phone book in half.**

BZZ! "Piroshki."

"Who is Mr. Satan?"

**Piroshki: $300  
Sauza: -$900  
Spice: -$1000**

"Congratulations, you managed to dig a question about Hercule out of the category. You still have the board."

"Eh… I don't think I get more than one about Mr. Satan, but give me Cell Games category again for $200."

**This character was the first one Cell told about the Cell Games.**

BZZ! "Spice?"

"Who is Gohan?"

**Piroshki: $300  
Sauza: -$900  
Spice: -$1200**

"Okay, more advice for Sauza and Spice, since I've never seen two characters get so far into the fucking hole; you don't have to answer a prompt if you don't know for sure. There's no rule saying you're required to take a shot at it. In fact, it's better if you don't unless you're absolutely sure."

"Well, if were so far in the 'hole' anyway," Sauza retorted, "what does it matter if I or Spice continue buzzing in?"

"Because it's not entertaining to watch you two bumblefuck your way through prompts you don't know and dig yourself in deeper because of it."

"And I suppose it's more entertaining to watch three people just stand around and not even try to answer for ten seconds straight?" Spice asked.

For the first time, Justin felt as if he had lost an argument, or at least one particular point. "Shit, I can see where you're coming from. But still, guys, if you want to win, wait until something comes up that you do know. That's how everyone else does it. Now, the prompt has run out of time. The answer was Trunks, and Piroshki, you still have the board."

"Same category for $100."

**This is the person who actually won the Cell Games. Hint, bitches: It wasn't Hercule.**

BZZ! "…Piroshki. I hope you aren't just buzzing in to defend your boss-"

"Who is little delivery boy?"

Justin rubbed his chin. He turned and yelled to the people behind the category board, "can we count that?!"

"Sure," came the muffled reply. "We all know who he means."

**Piroshki: $400  
Sauza: -$900  
Spice: -$1200**

"Well, okay then. Congratulations, you now have a $1,300 lead over Sauza and a $1,600 lead over Spice. Hey, guys, are you listening?"

Sauza and Spice were once again pissed at each other. "You stepped on my toe, you idiot!" Sauza screamed.

"What was that," Spice calmly asked, "I couldn't hear you over your terrible put-on accent."

"Put on?! How's this for put-on, asshole: in five minutes, you're going to have to put on your burial suit."

Spice turned and got right up (well, down) in Sauza's grill. "Who's going to get buried, you fucking smurf? That's some tough talk for someone who comes up to my belly button!"

Justin, meanwhile, just stood behind his podium with a look on his face that was like, "what can ya do?" After all, everyone knew by this point Piroshki was going to win.

"You want to take this outside, Goku-hair?" Sauza breathed into Spice's face.

"Bring it on."

Then, out of nowhere, Sauza mashed his lips against Spice's. The audience, Justin and Piroshki collectively took on eyes the size of dinner plates as moans became audible from the two leaders' general direction. Spice broke it off to say, "we really should take this outside. These people are treating us like a peep show."

Sauza nodded and they both flew through the ceiling. Justin was still too shocked to be pissed off about the new hole in the ceiling.

"Well, uhh… good for them, I guess. That's all the time we have- see you next time."

**THE END**


	46. Piroshki Tutor and Guru

**Disclaimer: YackinBall Z, Bra's personal vlog account where she rants for videos up to 30 minutes long about shit almost no one cares about, is not owned by nedthejanitor. **

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Shawn U. Maddik. First of all, to address the end of yesterday's show: we already have the hole in the ceiling patched up with some of Goku's help. So, y'know, crisis averted."

Justin paused for applause (hey that kinda rhymes). None happened.

Now, next order of business: we don't have very many episodes left, so I just want to savor this little moment. After all, it'll be one of our last together."

Three seconds later, "savoring done! Let's move on. First we have Piroshki back for some more trivia and antics, which is my child friendly word for bullshit, and the fact that I just said 'bullshit' rendered the 'antics' thing completely purposeless. So, yeah, Piroshki's here."

Piroshki flexed, showing his gigantic arm muscles… or at least, gigantically hidden beneath several layers of fat.

"Second contestant: that asshole tutor from the first episode of the Trunks saga."

The tutor gasped. "How rude! Never have I been called an asshole so quickly."

Justin's brows rose. "Somehow I doubt that."

"Why you insolent! You'd be getting a lot of punishment if the people working backstage didn't take my whip away from me!"

"Wait, the people backstage took your whip, but not the guy's machine gun from a couple days ago? Well, whatever. Why do you even carry that thing around with you? Are you some kind of freelance dominatrix?"

"Not anymore! I mean, uh, no."

"Very nice save. Third and finally, we have Guru's big fat ass taking up the rest of the room!"

Guru said nothing in response.

"Well, alright. Man of wisdom, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see today's categories."

**DUMBASS MISTAKES OF STRONG CHARACTERS**

**GOHAN AT HIGH SCHOOL**

**FUCK GT**

**DEATH AUDIO CLUES**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**OOOH, WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?**

"Piroshki, you know the drill," Justin said.

Piroshki looked confused. "Uh… what is drill?"

"Okay, maybe not. Pick a category."

"I take… Oooh! What does this button do?"

"…For how much?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just picked the button category, how much are you going to play for?"

"Oh, no, I just wonder what button does," Piroshki said, scratching his head as he looks at the buzzer clenched in his other hand.

Justin looked at Piroshki with utter confoundedness. "Piroshki, I've been doing this job for over a month and I've never come so close to just banging my head over and over against my own podium. That button is for when you want to buzz in and answer a prompt. You've been using it for fucking days. How you managed to forget its function is so far beyond me I'm going to have many, many sleepless nights contemplating it the way one might contemplate the origins of the universe. Now, please, pick a category."

"The button one, $100."

"Okay, then. I should mention that you don't have to answer in the form of a question for this particular category."

**(A picture of the controller used to paralyze the androids appears on the screen.)**

…BZZT! "The answer was that it shuts down the androids. Piroshki, pick another."

"I'll take dumbass mistakes for $100."

**Because of Vegeta, this villain was able to evolve to its final form.**

…BZZT! "That was Cell. Piroshki, again."

"…What?"

Justin did a forehead slap. On himself. "Pick a category again."

"Oh. Uh, same one for $200."

**Goku gave a bit of his energy, which was immediately used against him, to this villain.**

BZZ! "Guru!"

"Who is Frieza?"

**Piroshki: $0  
Asshole: $0  
Guru: $200**

"Nicely done, Guru. How did you know that?"

"Guess."

"Are you telling me to guess or are you saying it was a guess?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Pick a category now."

"I would like the same one for $300, please."

**Gohan, despite having super speed, was unable to catch this small object during the Buu saga. **

BZZ! "Asshole tutor guy!"

"What is a proper respect for higher education?"

**Piroshki: $0  
Asshole: -$300  
Guru: $200**

"You just came on this show to air your grievances about Gohan, didn't you?"

"You invited me here, you fool!"

Justin thought for a minute. "Oh, yeah, I guess I did. Look, man, I'll be blunt, we're really digging at the bottom of the barrel for the most obscure one-shot characters we can find at this point."

"What does that make me, then?" Guru asked. "I was the whole reason everyone went to Namek in the first place. No me, no Namekian dragonballs."

"Guru, honestly, I haven't had you on the show up to this point because you've always looked like the kind of person who would smell really, really bad and give everyone old mothball-smelling rock candy they don't want. Also, you're like 4,000 pounds and you take up half the damn room-"

"Well, let's see you birth hundreds of children and keep your figure!" Guru snapped, hurt evident in his voice.

"Fair point. I can see I touched a nerve, so I apologize. Now let's move on with the game. The answer to the last question was 'an earring.' Guru, pick again."

"Mistakes for $400."

**Trunks lost his fight against this opponent because he kept pumping up his body and became too slow.**

…BZZT! "Oh, no one buzzed in? How stunning. Well, the answer was 'Cell.'

DING DONG! "And that sound means the end of round one. Since Guru's the only person with any money, he wins by default. Piroshki, we have to let you go. I'd like to say we have some lovely parting gifts for you but, well…"

"Is okay," Piroshki said with a good-natured hand wave. "I understand. Bye bye."

"Bye, Piroshki. Asshole tutor guy, we have to let you go too. I'm not even going to bring up the possibility of you getting parting gifts."

"Hmph! Like I'd want something from you, you punk! And for your information, my name is-"

**THE END**


	47. Guru Pintar and Jimmy

**Disclaimer: Wagonball Z, the Oregon Trail playthrough where the player's fucking wagon keeps breaking down and he has to trade all of his clothes for parts, is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm Jack Inhofe. Let me tell you one of my favorite things about this show ending: I no longer have to come up with name puns. One might argue that I don't have to do it anyway, that it's my show and I can introduce myself with whatever I want. To those who say that, I say: I am no quitter. When I start something, I finish it. Let's introduce today's contestants. First is Guru."

Guru, once again, didn't respond. The contestant next to him poked him to make sure he wasn't dead, and his efforts were rewarded with a slight grunt sound.

"Our second contestant is Pintar."

"Ha ha!" Pintar let out a triumphant laugh, which, since he hasn't even won anything yet, wasn't fitting and made him look a little crazy. "It's time to see that brain size matters!"

"You're really self-important about this size thing, aren't you?" Justin remarked.

"Ha ha! Small man, do not question my abilities!"

"Whatever. Our third contestant is Jimmy Firecracker, known for his reporting during the Cell Games."

"Hello, nice to be here."

"Indeed. Categories, please."

**OUCH!**

**GOHAN AT HIGH SCHOOL**

**FUCK GT**

**DEATH AUDIO CLUES**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**OOOH, WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?**

"Guru, your pick."

"Ouch!" Guru said immediately.

"For how much?"

"…What?"

"You picked Ouch, didn't you?"

"No, I was just reacting to being poked."

Justin smacked his forehead. "That happened one minute ago!"

"Still hurt."

"Didn't we do this joke already?"

"…What?"

"Never mind. Just please pick."

Guru looked thoughtful. "I'll take ouch for $100."

**Early in his fight with this character, Frieza ripped one of the fighter's arms off.**

BZZ! "Guru!"

"Who is my son, Nail?"

**Guru: $100  
Pintar: $0  
Jimmy: $0**

"That is correct, Guru."

"Ha ha!" Pintar butted in. "You may have an early lead, but I shall steal victory from you yet, big green man!"

"Guru, you can ignore Pintar." Justin said. "He has a footprint on his butt that's still throbbing from the time Krillin kicked his ass at the 25th tournament."

Pintar immediately shut up.

"See? Pick a category."

"I want Ouch again for $200."

**Yamcha got a hand put through his stomach from this villain. **

…BZZT! "The answer was Android 20. Please pick another category, Guru."

"I've noticed this has been happening to you a lot, lately." Jimmy interjected. "Have you thought about doing something about it?"

"Well, yeah, but what can I do? This is close to the end of the series, man, we haven't been picked up for a second season. I'm too busy thinking about my next project."

"I've been meaning to talk to you about that," Jimmy said. "How about we have a talk after the show?"

"Whatever. I just need to get on with the game right now. Guru, category time. Chop chop."

Pintar jabbed the bigger creature with his finger again. "I think he felt asleep."

"It's 'fell' asleep, you shrimp," Guru bellowed suddenly. "I'll take Ouch again for $300."

**Android 16 slowly ripped the tail off of this creature. **

BZZ! "Guru!"

"What is that bastard Frieza?"

**Guru: -$200  
Pintar: $0  
Jimmy: $0**

"Well, congratulations to Guru for completely destroying the lead he had over the other two contestants," Justin whined. "Why did you answer that?!"

"Answer what?"

"The goddamn prompt!"

"I was asking a general question. What is Frieza? What race is he?"

"Uh… I don't know for sure. I've heard people throw the word 'icejin' around, but that sounds a little ridiculous, to be honest. Then again, it wouldn't be the first time this show was ridiculous, so they may be- god damn you, Guru, we do not have time for this conversation! Does anyone else want a shot at this prompt?"

At the very last second, a BZZ! sounded. "Jimmy!"

"Who is C-Cell?"

**Guru: -$200  
Pintar: $0  
Jimmy: $300**

"Yes, Jimmy, C-Cell is c-correct. You now have a $500 lead over the champion and control of the board."

"Fantastic!" Jimmy exclaimed. "That was just a lucky guess, too! I'll take-"

"Oh ho ho ho!" Pintar interrupted, putting his hands on his belly and doing one of those guttural, exaggerated fat guy laughs. "Now this little man thinks he has the bull by the horns! Well, he shall soon see that-"

"Pintar, you have not answered one fucking prompt in the time you've been here. If you want any significant chance at beating Jimmy, you're going to have to let the game go on instead of monologuing like a dumbass."

"…Very well, then. Your move, little Jimmy man."

"Ooookay, thank you," Jimmy said in a 'that's one crazy dude!' type of voice. "I'll pick Gohan at High School for $100."

Justin raised his eyebrows. Or, rather, his eyebrows rose. The former sentence makes it sound like he lifted them with his fingers and that would look fucking stupid and possibly racist. "Interesting pick."

"Well, I can faintly remember that name from somewhere…"

"Gohan?"

"No, High School. I was so wasted through the whole thing, I barely remember what years you go for."

"…You are most certainly someone to emulate."

**A girl forced Gohan to go on a date with her over this embarrassing article of clothing.**

A low growling sound occurred in the audience, obviously originating from Gohan. Everyone waited the question out until the last minute until…

BZZ! "Guru!"

"What are his undergarments?"

**Guru: -$100  
Pintar: $0  
Jimmy: $300**

"Nice. I hope you were answering the prompt and not, y'know, just randomly asking that."

"Goodness, no!" Guru said with all of the outrage in his voice, which only made it rise a single decibel above normal.

"I'm glad to hear. You now have control of the board, and it's not too late to catch up to Jimmy. Pintar, do you have anything to add to that?"

"No…" said the humiliated man as he realized he probably had no chance of winning.

"That's what I thought. Guru, category time."

"Ouch for $400."

**Gohan had his left arm disabled during the battle with Cell because he was trying to protect this man.**

…BZZT! "The answer was Vegeta."

"Wait, what?" Guru asked. "Gohan almost died to save Vegeta?"

"Erm, maybe not 'almost died', but yes, he did put himself in the way of-"

"After I unlocked that boy's potential, he had the nerve to protect the man who killed a village full of my children?!"

"Guru, shit changed a lot from when Vegeta was on Namek to when Gohan fought Cell. Hell, Vegeta-"

"Hey, fat shit!" Vegeta yelled from the audience. "Why don't you speak up a little bit, I don't think I've heard enough of your annoying babbling!"

"Never mind, Guru, Vegeta's a dickhead. Now-" DING DONG! "Oh, we're out of time. Jimmy wins."

Guru screamed, "Damn you, Vegeta!"

**THE END**


	48. Jimmy Bardock and Vinegar

**Disclaimer: Dragonbald Z, the show where having less hair gives you power instead of the other way around, is not nedthejanitor's property.**

**Thank you to jcogginsa for suggesting Bardock! What will you ever do with all these e-points?**

**IMPORTANT THING: I would like everyone to tell me over PM who his or her favorite champion was. The three who get the most votes will participate in the final Gauntlet of chapter 50. **

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!_

Justin walked out on set several hours late and got booed to hell and back.

Oh, excuse me, wrong Justin. Let me start over.

Justin, the host of DBZ Jeopardy, walked gingery out and gripped onto the podium when he got to it like he was depending on it to keep him from fainting.

"Hey, everyone," he said in a raspy voice punctuated by a very dry cough. "As I'm sure you've realized by now, I am really sick. So I'm not going to be able to host to my maximum capacity today."

"Does that mean we can go home?" Oolong asked from the audience.

"Maybe, man. I'm going to see how well I do for the first prompt or so, and if I can't really muster up the sauce to do it, we'll all go home early. Hey, wait a minute, nothing's stopping you from going home right now, so why are you asking?"

"Roshi drags me up here every day and I'm really tired of it."

"Give me a break you stupid pig!" Roshi growled. "Doing this means we get to see Goku and our other friends every day."

"No, it's for you to try and bum a free meal off of them when you can!"

Roshi exploded. "I don't see you not eating when you're at the table, you-"

"Oh, God, just shut up," groaned Justin. "You're making my head feel even worse. I have to introduce the contestants now. First, it's Jimmy."

"I can take over if you need," said Jimmy.

"That wouldn't work. You need to be a contestant, especially now that you're the new champion. Just hang tight, I'll get through this. Next up, we have Bardock."

"Greetings."

"No need to be so formal, man. People who are too formal sicken me a little bit, and I'm sick enough anyway."

"Would you prefer beatings?"

"No. Lastly, we have Vinegar of the Spice Boys. The last time we had one of the Spice Boys on, things got just a little too spicy. I hope not to see that again, because as I've already stated, I'm sick enough without that mess."

"Don't worry," said Vinegar, "I wouldn't make out with either of these two jokers if you gave me an extra grand."

"What's that supposed to mean, you big, ugly redneck?" Bardock said.

"Whoa, hey there, crazy hair, I'm just sayin' I'm into the ladies. It don't make no never mind to me what your preference is, I'm just sayin'."

"Oh. Okay."

Justin shook his head at a pace so slow it was almost impossible to tell his head was even moving. "Let's just look at these categories. We have:"

**THE MOST USELESS FUSIONS**

**FUN WITH FIREARMS!**

**FUCK GT**

**DEATH AUDIO CLUES**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**OOOH, WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?**

Justin wiped some sweat off of his forehead and hoped it was his fever starting to break. "Jimmy, you get first dibs on the board."

"Alright, I'll take Firearms for $100."

**A farmer took his shotgun and used it against this villain very early in the show.**

BZZ! "Bardock."

"Who is Raditz?"

**Jimmy: $0  
Bardock: $100  
Vinegar: $0**

"That is correct. Normally I don't ask this… well, actually, yeah I do, I do all the time… but, how did you know the answer to that prompt?"

"I talk to Raditz a lot in the underworld. He's not very good company most of the time, but he did tell me about the very first earthling he killed."

"Wow. One sadistic asshole," Justin said, punctuating his statement with a terrible cough right into his microphone so everyone could hear it. "Bardock, the board is now yours."

"The firearms one for $200."

**Van Zant, the bastard, used a rocket launcher to destroy the makeshift home of this reformed villain."**

…BZZT! "Oh, look, it's our first dud prompt of the game, what a tremendous shocker." Justin paused to cough. "All sarcasm aside, it actually is kind of a weird thing, since we made it over halfway through the game before it happened. Bardock, pick a category again."

"Death Audio Clues for $100."

"Ohhh, boy. Okay, this is probably the hardest category my team and I have ever created. Are you sure you're up for this one?"

"I already picked it. Wouldn't it be sort of like cheating to renege?"

"Did you just say-"

"RE- nege."

"…Okay. But just a warning. Also, before I forget or before the rest of my throat tissue turns into chalk, you don't have to answer these prompts in the form of a question. Just say the name of the person you hear being killed in the clip."

"My God!" Jimmy exclaimed. "Don't children watch this show?"

"Man, after 47 episodes of it, they really shouldn't be."

**(An audio clip plays of Jeice screaming in agony as Vegeta blasts him to bits.)**

…BZZT! "Let's just never speak of that again," Justin rasped after looking at the creeped out faces of the contestants and many of the people in the audience. "Bardock?"

"Let's go back to firearms for $300."

"Yes. Let's."

"Wait, before you do that," Jimmy interrupted, "who was that an audio clip of?"

"Jeice. It's no one you know. Why did you even want to know?"

"Journalistic curiosity."

**General White shot Goku when the boy's back was turned, an act which sent this character into a rage.**

…BZZT! "It was Eighter. Next category."

"Uh, firearms for $400."

**One of Dr. Gero's androids who had a firearm.**

…BZZT! "The answer was Android 17Just blitzing through that category," Justin paused for a long, violent snort, "aren't we?" He then paused again to spit on the floor, a big green mucus chunk punctuated with a bloody center.

"Seriously, I'll take over your show for you, if you need me to." Jimmy said. "You seem way too ill to handle your responsibilities."

"No, man…" Justin wobbled a little bit. "No, man. No, man, I'm fine. I just needa… need to, y'know… get all better and stuff. It'll happen."

"You're barely maintaining coherency."

"How am I supposed to, when you use all them fancy book-learner words? Barditch, just pick a category."

"Um, it's Bardock."

"Sorry, Bartholomew."

"Bardock, you jackass!"

"Look, Bar-Bar Jinks," Justin started as he leaned over his podium, "a rose by any other name still has only $100. You need to focus on getting this show on the road. How's it going to be?"

"…I'll take-"

DING DONG! "And that sound means we're out of time."

After saying that, Justin immediately collapsed on the floor.

**THE END**

**(could you tell that I wrote this while I was sick?)**


	49. Bardock Beers and Mori

**Disclaimer: HagglinBall Z, an entire show based around Goku desperately trying not to pay sticker price for a junk car in someone's front yard, is not owned by nedthejanitor.**

**Note: when I said the three top-most voted-for champions would participate in the Final Gauntlet, I actually meant two. The third guy's going to be whoever wins in this chapter. AND DON'T YOU JUST SKIP TO THE END TO FIND OUT WHO WINS EITHER!**

_THIS… IS… JEOPARDY!  
_

"Welcome to Jeopardy, I'm… miraculously not dead," Justin said with a fake wonderment. "Is everyone ready for a show?"

Cricket chirp, cricket chirp… "I'm ready!"

"That's the spirit, Bardock! Our first eager contestant is returning champion Bardock!"

"I only said that so you wouldn't feel bad."

"Hush, dead saiyan, don't spoil my post-illness high! Our second contestant is Bills, but… I can see he wrote something else on his podium."

"I will be referred to as Beers," said Bills/Beers. "In honor of my father's second favorite social activity next to beating me up."

"Wow, that got dark quick," Justin observed. "I guess we're going to need a trigger warning now. Since Beers here has a power level even greater than that of Goku and Vegeta combined, we're going to humor him with his wish to be called Beers. Our third contestant is Mori, the current elder of Namek."

"Yo," said Mori.

"And with that, we have our game. Let's look at the category board."

**THE MOST USELESS FUSIONS**

**MOTHER**

**FUCK GT**

**BULMA'S HAIR**

**SPECIAL BEAM CANNON**

**OOOH, WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?**

"Bardock has the board."

Bardock stared at the board, doing what many other people in his situation have done: waste a lot of time trying to figure out which category was more likely to offer a prompt he could answer.

"Bardock, you only have fifteen seconds," Justin piped up.

"Mother-"

"For how much?"

Bardock sighed as he realized the mistake he'd just made. "Motherfucker" was not the most advisable swear for that particular moment. "$100."

**Goku fathered a child with this powerful and strong-willed mother.**

…BZZT! "Holy shit," Justin exclaimed with the most palpable frustration. "That's the easiest question I've ever seen on this entire fucking show and none of you knew it. Like, I'm not even going to bother telling you what the real answer was because it's something everyone should know. How on Earth can y'all not know that?"

"I was dead when my son was an infant," said Bardock.

"I was in a long sleep," said Beers.

"I just plain ole don't give a fuck," said Mori. "I was on Earth for about four months, and not once did I ask Gohan who his mother was. Because I didn't know what a mother was. Honestly, I'm really just on this show to gaze at these beings you earthlings call 'womens.'"

"Wow, Mori. Wow. I both admire and am disgusted by your honesty. Bardock, pick another category."

"Mother for $200."

**Trunks' time machine was built by this brilliant inventor who also just happened to be his mother.**

…BZZT! "Well, lookie there! Another unanswered prompt! It was Bulma, you idiots."

"Excuse us for being too dead to know things, asshole," said Bardock. "Knowing all of this useless bullshit doesn't make you any smarter than any of us."

"Just pick a category and quit whining already. We're already about halfway through the show."

"I'll take Mothers for $300."

**Goku was stunned when he found out that this fighter could give birth to a daughter like Maron.**

…BZZT! "So, okay, do we all just need to give the fuck up and leave early or what? Because it doesn't seem like any of you know any answers and I have better shit to do than stand here and watch the most boring episode of DBZ Jeopardy that has ever been broadcast."

"Yeah, no you don't," said Bardock.

"Okay, fine, you may be right. But my point remains valid. The answer to the previous prompt was Android 18. Bardock, pick another category, and I want you to think long and hard about it before you decide to pick-"

"Mothers for $400."

"…Fuck me."

**Gohan and this woman gave birth to Goku's half-saiyan granddaughter. **

…BZZT! "I hate every last one of you." Justin grumbled.

"I didn't even do anything," Mori yelled. "Excuse me for not knowing every stupid thing about one particular group of earthlings! Christ fucking hell Almighty!"

Justin paused just before he made his retort, realizing something weird. "How did you learn a curse like that on Namek?"

"I didn't. I was stuck on Earth for about 130 days, remember? I learned a lot of strange Earth swears from Vegeta."

"Okay, then how did Vegeta learn them?"

"Dr. Briefs."

"…Interesting. Well, I guess Bardock's going to want Mothers for $500. Am I right?"

"Well, the thing is, I was thinking of picking something else, but since you put it that way…"

"Son of a bitch."

**The hair color of Bulma's mother.**

BZZ! "Mori!"

"What is a fine-ass blonde?"

**Bardock: $0  
Beers: $0  
Mori: $500**

"Wow, uh, nicely done, Mori. I see you actually did manage to remember something from your time on Earth."

"What can I say? I loves the bitches."

"I loves the misogyny. Please pick another category."

"Bulma's hair for $100."

"Okay. I should note that these particular prompts are going to come in the form of True or False questions, so just answer with 'true' or 'false' when you buzz in. If one person buzzes in and guesses incorrectly, the prompt is over. Okay? Everyone got that."

"Yeah," said Bardock.

"Sure," said Mori.

… "Beers, hey! Did you hear what I said?"

Beers looked up from his arm, which he was grooming. "Could you repeat everything from the last ten minutes? That is, if you want to."

"No, Beers, I cannot do that. Why don't you pay attention when you're on public television?"

"You haven't said anything about fish or mice, right? Not interested."

"Let's just move on with the game."

**True or False: Bulma's hair was long when Vegeta returned from his excursion into space looking for Goku.**

…BZZT! "Oh, come on! Even if you didn't know the fucking answer, you still had a fifty-fifty chance of getting that! If Gordon Ramsey were here, he'd call you all fucking donkeys and make you leave the premises!"

"And then I'd kill him," Beers said.

"Exactly, and that's why Chef Gordon isn't here right now. I actually asked if he'd be interested in taking over as host, but he called me a fucking fat idiot and told me about the last time he cooked for Goku."

DING DONG! "And that sound means we're out of time and Mori is the new champ. Join us tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!"

**THE END**


End file.
